Just bought a 1 way non-refundable ticket to Dtown

[fooled again]

Hi Hurtin,

I was just reading your thread and I feel for you. It's like you're not allowed to be content or to find some balance in your life. They keep coming back in every once in awhile to shake us up like we are human sno globes.

My suggestion is to not try to use your W or your M or even the things she has done to you to find your strength. Instead think about yourself and all the really great things about you that make you this great person, what you're good at, what a great Dad you are, what other people have said about you that's positive, things you like about yourself. Try to create a picture of yourself in the future as if you have moved on without your W, when you are ready to date again, and what other women would find attractive about you. That way you are focusing on you and your W can't take that away from you with the mind games that she is playing b/c this picture is about you and has nothing to do with her.

That's what I have been trying to do for myself for the past couple of weeks. My H isn't doing exactly the same thing as your W, but his tune has changed from wanting me back and wanting to communicate and work on our M to letting things coast and needing space. I got really excited and proactive when he wanted to work on our M, and as time went on and not much improved, I became worried, anxious and suspicious. Now I'm not sure why he is so lukewarm, but I suspect it may have to do w/ OW contacting him over the holidays. Since I can't do anything about that (we are S), and worrying about it just makes me crazy, this week I decided to do exactly what I suggested to you.

So I've been making a list of what's really great about me, and I've been more outgoing and friendly w/ people, men in particular, not to find someone else, but to boost my self esteem. I'm finding that if I smile and act pleased w/ myself, they notice and smile and chat w/ me and it makes me realize that I am actually pretty great. If my H decides to go back to OW, I am still great - he can't take that away from me. In fact, he loses a great woman. And I'm trying to hang on to that feeling so that no matter what happens, I'll be okay.

It's tough, and I have some crappy days, as you do. Going dark may not be the answer, but being neutral w/ your W and maintaining this "I'm great" state of mind will give you strength that you'll never get from thinking about the terrible things she has done to you. And maybe she won't feel that she has the power to shake you up and she'll either stop doing it, or seriously consider what she stands to lose.

Good luck and Happy New Year.