When I was married, a good part of the problems with xH sound similar to what you are saying about your H... except the opposite. Meaning, I was your H and you were my xH.
There were things, sexually, my xH wanted to do, that I just could not do and had no interest whatsoever in doing (bufu, for one). He also wanted me to be assertive. And some other stuff...
It wasn't so much the 'acts' of what he was asking me that made me reluctant... it was the fact that there was no emotional trust between us, and I could only go so far in taking risks, without him taking a few of his own (and I didn't want to 'cop' or 'mother,' him about it). I was learning to come out of my sexual shell, and I think that he was 1) out of patience and 2) put to a few test of his own that he didn't want to face.
What I hear from you is something very similar. You say you are not angry at your H, but that is all I hear from you. Your respect for him is gone as well, and right about now, you just want what you want, and to he!! with waiting. (Which is completely understandable, btw). And I think sometimes hearing about Mojo's and maybe some of my 'dating' escapades are NOT helping you, either. It feeds the 'restlessness.'
But if you think he isn't picking up on that, don't kid yourself. What are you expecting of H, really? And then on top of all that you tell him you are fantasizing about another man and you were ready to go meet him... but the guy canceled on you, so now H gets to hear the confession?
I think you need to sh!t or get off the pot, and stop punishing your H for what he isn't. I'm not saying that anything that you want is bad or wrong... but to stay in that M, and continue to be angry and resentful of him for what he isn't... and to hold that up to him and even TELL him... wow. If you don't want to be there, leave. (He is doing some hostage holding of his own that isn't cool either). But this 'covert' emotional warfare the two of you are doing to each other really needs to stop.
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I'll respond to you more later when I've got time.
Right now I look like ten miles of bad road, crying all night. I'm a real mess.
Soldier boy is totally blowing me off. No word at all. Not even an "I'm not interested." My whole fantasy of him has been shattered.
I went and cried on my best friends shoulder last night and she said pretty much what all of you said. Thank god he cancelled. He could of just f@cked me one more time and tossed weak bunny to the curb. At least he just gave me the brush-off before it got physical. Look on the bright side and all that. Boy am I pathetic right now. Hate it.
Anyways, H and I really need to figure this out or it's just going to repeat itself. I'm scared sh!tless. I just don't know it we can ever get to a place of contentment and I am so scared to not be a family. I just don't know....
Thanks for letting me be honest with all of you. It really helps to vent this somewhere.
LFL: Not the ideal way to kick off the new year, as I'm sure you are painfully aware by now. [LFL]
Looks like that pickle you mentioned has grown way beyond Zucchini size now.
Hi, Mojo,
What I said does not pertain one iota to this current situation and was not a blanket statement.
This has gone waaaaay waaaay beyond the sexual sticking point discussion of "How do I kick-start my submissive, non-initiating man?"
I was not aware LFL has been playing 2 men and sabotaging her R via regularly interacting with OM. Judging from NOPkins and blackfoot's, among others, previous "you're a keeper, LFL" comments after her posts showing a real respect, love, and patience through frustration ... I wasn't the only one apparently.
It was more for someone like Karen. Though I sense real frustration in Karen I see that she still deeply loves and respects her H -- enough, say, to try and fix this one sticking point in an otherwise healthy R ... so that's why I suggested some ways of kick-starting a guy who might have a real phobia about feeling dirty/depraved at the thought of grabbing her and bending her over furniture without prompting.
He feels like he isn't worthy of receiving nice gifts after all. That's a possible indicator of just how he feels about himself and his own self worth. That stuff can ooze out into a lot of other facets of a man's life, including sexual confidence and comfortability.
No, LFL has lost all respect for her H. He is an emotional wreck and I don't blame him. I would be that way too if I had to deal with such wild unpredictability.
Eddie asked what she planned with OM. Well, Eddie, I'm going to say the fact that he canceled because he had to watch his 3 kids indicates they weren't going to sit around and catch up over tea and crumpets. Call me crazy, Crazy Eddie. Apparently weasel soldier boy grew a tiny, what could be considered as a, conscience perhaps over screwing another man's wife. Yes, indeed, ladies, he's quite the "real man."
But LFL opted to listen to her looneytoons best friend, lie to her H's face about where she would be the day before New Year's Eve, and let H sit at home alone with the kids whose names he tattooed on his arms and more than likely stress and worry over how to win the love and respect from the woman he loves enough to want to seek counseling.
Know how many of my peers hate that idea? Airing our dirty laundry to some stranger with nothing more than an MSW or psychology MA, PhD title behind his or her name? Lots.
As for the weasel OM. I caught a lot of heat the last time I called him that. Don't care. Stick by it. I'm a big boy and it takes a lot more to even scratch my "defensiveness" button. WEASEL.
He contacted LFL after specifically saying he would let her go to work on her M years earlier. I don't profess to be a real man but I know enough about how to act like one to say that if I am going to leave a M F alone so she can work on her M there's no way in hell I am going to contact her again and jack her skull up by seeing if she's still M while I am single. Give me a Fing break.
If and when she's had enough in her R and files d then she can try and look me up. There's a good chance I will be in another r but those are the chances. But to wait around for 2 years for a married woman -- skulking around the carcasss of another man's meal like an omega male jackal is, frankly, pathetic.
Especially apparently an OM back in the States on temmporary leave who stoops to using fear of death in Iraq to twist up an already irrational female. I'm sick of hearing this lame-@ssed justification to cheat.
It's called the military. I have friends in the military. You sign up there is a marginal chance that your country is going to send you somewhere where you might actually just be wounded or killed, Sort of comes with the package. OM wasn't drafted for godsakes.
There are over 100,000 troops overseas and there is a better chance that all of us will be killed by a drunk driver tonight on New Year's Eve than OM's chances of being killed in Iraq or Afghanistan. Now if this were the Civil War (as SouthernGirl might agree) and you were leaving your belle to fight for Dixie there would be a better than 80% chance you would leave her a young widow.
It's why I'm sick of using "alpha" to describe any M behavior because it's too broad. So I'll give you an example of some refinement of what I meant by "prince" and "king."
In the movie, Gladiator, the actual prince, Commodotus, played by Joaquin Phoenix, is an alpha male prince sub-type: immature, no integrity or real principles, and willing to steal another man's wife.
Maximus, on the other hand, is what I call an alpha male king. He radiates integrity, honor, and principles. This is why the king hates his own son in favor of Maximus.
And, best of all, when the odds in the gladiator ring via lions, being outnumbered by other better armed fighters, pretty much ensured a 99% chance Maximus would be slaughtered, no way in hell can anyone suggest Maximus would ever use the excuse that he's scared he might get killed the next day as a reason to mess around with another man's wife.
My 2 Roman cents.
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Just saw this after my last post. I really really really admire you for this...
Thanks for letting mebe honest with all of you. It really helps to vent this somewhere.
LFL
LFL. I saw this in you after your post about what you were about to do -- saying you were "venting" and didn't care what anyone thought about your impending actions.
You are not venting LFL. That was your conscience that wrote that earlier post. Stubborn-azzed woman. Tried to stuff that baby down and bury it with your ego's sense of entitlement but it found a way out. Bravo LFL, bravo. Rascal our egos are. Always trying to disguise the conscience with a word like "venting.: tsk-tsk.
You're a good egg, LFL. Go eat some chocolate and forget about daydreams into Candyland. Don't you know living in the real world pretty much sucks for all of us?
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
LFL, let me add one little thing about soldier boy.
I served 20 years in the military. I retired as a Colonel. The fact that I was an officer and a flyboy was attractive to some women. The one thing that helped me keep my pants zipped was that adultery in the military is a crime...a punishable offense. Get caught sleeping around and you lose...big time. Not just your family, but any chance of having a career. And your name gets published in the Base Newspaper along with the DUI's and wife-beaters. Game over...big time. And all your husband would have to do is blow the whistle and call his commander. When I was a commander, I got that call a couple of times.
That might be one reason you were blown off.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Wow Bomb. I didn't know that. That helps the ego a tad. But still makes it even more perplexing why he would be wasting any time on me at all.
Still no time to respond to everyone but I do have to say I don't get men at all. Not 24 hours after I tell my H I was about to cheat on him, he assaults me (in a good way) while the kids are outside building a snowman. Not the best correlation to be making here. wtf Men.
So I'm feeling better after getting some (obviously) but I still don't trust anything will last. sigh
I need to figure out what my goal is here. Can I be happy with my H long-term?
If I ever do become single again, I promise myself never to fall for anyone prettier than myself, especially those that are also emotionally vacant. Deadly combo. Good advice for any woman.
Ok, gotta get ready for our party. Plan on getting good and drunk tonight.
And I can't believe this...but he just gave me another quickie. That's twice in one day. Double wtf. Maybe he gets off on thinking about me with other men and doesn't want to admit it. Nah. He just loves me and thinks I'm hot. Might be a good new year afterall.
