wishing it were easy to get over an a... wishing I could truly believe h when he claims they never even kissed... wishing I could believe h when he tells me they weren't laughing at me... wishing I felt better about myself... wishing I believed h loved me... wishing I didn't have these feelings... wishing that I could put these feelings away... wishing I didn't have doubts... wishing I had a magic wand... wishing it were summer.... wishing I were 21 again... wishing I didn't have to force a smile... wishing I knew what was going on in h's head.... wishing h didn't put up a wall when I get upset... wishing I could hide my feelings from h better... wishing the past didn't happen.. wishing h would be more pro-active in the healing process... wishing I didn't speak up last night... wishing I could put ow and the a and h's leaving, behind me.. wishing I weren't afraid that he'll leave again someday... wishing I had a magic ball... wishing I were ier... wishing I knew what h wanted... wishing I knew what h wasn't getting here that made him leave... wishing h would let me be his friend... wishing I really knew what the hell I was doing here rather then pretending I know... wishing h and I could talk about issues without h getting angry wishing I knew how to just relax.. wishing it were may (then I'd be in disney with the kids) wishing I didn't love h so much... wishing I knew what I wanted from h...
I am so confused I don't know what to do...things are going well...h doesn't like to talk about the a or his leaving...he's put it in the past and has decided it wont happen again...me, I wanna know why...I wanna know what I did or didn't do so that I don't do it again...I want to know if h is happy...I want to be happy...h just keeps telling me to be myself...I keep saying what if you don't like me...I was being myself and you left sooooo? how can I feel comfortable being myself??
last nights arguement could have been avoided....could have ended...could have been made up for...but nope...instead we both woke this am....feeling...ugh!!!
another night of watching news...on the couch....I was feeling like a fool (as I do some nights but don't let it show) but this night h asked...I spoke...things went on from there...my questions...h's anger....it's a mess...eventually after my bringing up that issue again...h said "I thought you looked nice and I thought I was warming up to you but I got shot down" uhm??? h never told me I looked nice until I brought up the issue....was not apparent to me that h was warming up to me...was acting the same as he had the three prior nights when he fell asleep on me on the couch...how was I to know...I said to h...well then it's a misscommunication...I did not know that...why don't we go up to bed now...h says...I'm going to sleep...well then LL went on a tirade...
I'm tired of dealing with this crap and feeling like I have to deal with it myself!!!
if I let h know how I feel...sometimes he can handle it and is comforting...reassuring etc...and other times he just gets mad...making me mad...and a way we go!!!
