First, a summary; I am lonely. Really lonely. I'm a family guy, yet I'm out of my house. My W is in the house with my 4 kids. All of my money goes to the mortgage, and the mortgage on another house, in the town we moved from 18 months ago, 2 weeks after I found out about her affair with my best friend. we tried to sell that house but the market stinks, and we over-improved it. So no buyers. As a result, I have no income to spend and I've been living at a friend's house for the past 4 months. I hate my situation.
When we moved we weren't really sure what the financials were going to be, but we discussed her getting a job to help out. Well the money is tight, and she hasn't gotten a job, and as someone on this board put it, I am "financing her affair". In other words, I pay while she continues to live as she likes.
The most recent dust-up comes because we have a person interested in paying us to rent the old house, which is now vacant. Initially I thought that was a good idea, then I went to check on the house. It was like a dream. I walked through the house I worked so hard on, all the kids rooms just as we left them 18 months ago. Afterwards, I refused to agree to sign the rental lease, thinking I would like to consider keeping that house and possibly return to it. Maybe even soon. It would be a nice place for me and the kids.
My W hates this idea! She's really jacked! Here's what she wrote to me:
Quote:
I am planning to meet with my attorney in the next week to discuss this with her so I know exactly what my rights here are, but I have a pretty good idea that you can't just decide to up and quit your job and move to [our old town]. I know for sure you can't take the kids from me. She has been on vacation and I believe she is getting back later this week. I know that you have made some quick decisions about this, i.e. not renting the house as we had planned and wanting to move back, but you can't make those decisions for me or the kids. Personally, I think you are acting extremely irrationally about all of this. Why would you want to go back to [our old town]? Don't you remember wanting to get away from your family? Don't you remember complaining about how miserable your family was? Don't you remember thinking that [our new area] was a better place to raise kids for a multitude of reasons??? Don't you remember that the reason you wanted to move to [our new town] was for job opportunities at [your company]??? There were no jobs in [our old town] that didn't involve tremendous travel. The economy has gotten progressively worse there since we have left. Don't you remember that just one month ago you still loved it here when we had this same discussion? I still think all of that is true. I don't see much draw at all to going back there. I think you are acting purely on emotion at this point and you are not thinking at all about what is best for the kids and that is why there is no way I think this is a good time to go back to [our old town]. Here, the kids are happy and well adjusted, I'm happy, your job is going well, the schools are great, we have a better quality of life than we'd have there -- even if we're divorced. We'll still be divorced in [our old town], [Sir]. That part won't get better, but the rest of it is so much better here. Let's really try to think of the kids first. They need stability. They do not need to be shlepped back across the country on this emotional whim of yours. Sorry. I'm not going for that.
Overall, you can see the tenor of the conversation. It's tense, it's heated, there are lots of !!! and ????. Let me tell you, it isn't like this for any of our other interactions, in-person or otherwise. Some of my other thoughts on this.
I never tried to "take the kids from her" or threatened same. That is her own paranoid fear.
"you can't make those decisions for me or the kids". She really doesn't get the whole concept of divorce. We still have to talk all the time, it's just that we'll be operating from a position of separation rather than togetherness. She seems to think she can decide what she wants and I am her captive. I need to retain my job. I can't make the unilateral decisions but she can.
I haven't threatened to "quit my job." I asked my employer and they'll be happy to employ me from my old town, as before. Also, I talked to another company, and I have another opportunity there, with little travel. Also I have contacts in the old town. Finding a job won't be hard. It's not true that there are no job opportunities. There are plenty for a smart, educated person.
as for her calling me "irrational" - I want a place, a home. I want a place where I can spend time with my children. I told her this. It's as if she didn't even hear it. (She rejects my feelings, over and over. This is a pattern from her that has continued since 16 months ago or so.)
"the reason you wanted to move" - her words make it sound like it was my idea to move. She said I complained about my family. She alleged I wanted to "get away from my family" (meaning, my siblings). None of this is true. I didn't want to get away from my family, at all. We get along. We're close. Their kids and my kids are "best friends." It's family. I spent tons of time with my siblings, and my kids with theirs. Everyone always enjoyed it. her statement that I wanted to "get away" is just wrong. It's revisionist. She wanted to "get away".
she's right that I do like the new area. There's lots to like! It's just that it hasn't worked out financially. I cannot afford the life I want to lead, here. I could afford it in the old town. as a single parent, I could use the support network that is still in the old town for me. I know neighbors and friends there. And of course my siblings.
the schools were waaaay better in the old town. She knows this.
I guess what I am asking for is, advice on how to handle this response. Keep in mind my goal is still to reconcile with my W and kids.
Some options:
leave it to the lawyers. This feels antagonistic to me, not what I want. maybe I have to do it.
tell her openly how I feel. (I hate this situation. I miss the kids. I want my family back!) Ask her again to stop seeing OM. This feels like it is absolutely against every DB principle I know.
enlist a neutral third party to discuss it. maybe a mediator.
If I could swing this into her agreeing to allow me to move back into the house, with her and the children, it would be a huge step. Even if the initial stated goal was just to allow me to spend more time with the kids under our current financial situation.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
