All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Jen_Jam]

I feel really down now, perhaps I had expectations today or maybe i'm just disappointed with myself for inviting him over b/c I feel he now has the advantage.

or another way of looking at it is that you have been the bigger person, been more magnaminous ... remember forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. To truly love someone is to give to them and expect nothing in return.
Look on this too as a baby step which could possibly lead to more rewards in the future. Remember the timescale - mine took nearly 2 years, this is a long haul ride but eveything in life which is worth having takes patience and commitment.

In my sitch/threads - I actually had 2 bombs. One in Sept 2005 where H moved out and another at the end of march 2006 when H said ILYBINILWY and "we can't stay married" but didn't move out. I started posting here after the second bomb, hence no real record of when H moved back. But when he did move back again I stated a calm boundary that if he moved out again that it would mean he was gone for good. i also stated I would accpet he needed time to come to a decision but I wasn't willing to be subjected to him coming and going while he decided. he accepted this.

What made him come back? it was all his own decision. He felt it was wrong to be moved out, he was only dossing down at a friends place and he doesn't have the money to rent his own place. he came to the conclusion himself that the situation he had put himself into was bad, but he didn't have a clue how to fix our M. While he was away I gathered my friends around me and went out a lot. Sometimes H and I would meet up, other times he would let me down at the last minute. It was a rough time, what helped me was each time H would say he would meet up with me i'd have a back up plan in place, so I knew I would still have something to look forward to.

As for him re-commiting to the M, well he didn't actually do it as such. My H liked not talking and taking a "wait and see" approach. This was very hard for me to get through, but I did with GAL, and learning to like myself. IOW, I kept my focus firmly on me. I wrote a diary every day too so that I could spill out my feelings.

Since the bomb, H and I have talked a little of what went on. He told me it was mostly in his head, that he had to come to terms with getting older, having responsibilites etc all by himself. When I met H he lived very much day to day. he was in a crummy bedsit and spent all his money as he earned it, had debts on credit cards. With me, we bould savings, bought a flat then a house, we lost weight (we both got really fat), gave up smoking. All the things to point to a healthy and financially secure future. This freaked H out. Looking at his upbringing, his Mum is lovely but she did everything for her kids. My Mum is lovely too, but from age 13/14 I was cooking for myself, doing my own laundry, earning my own pocket money. I was brought up to be more independent than H. H still had to learn a few lessons on taking care of himself. And he didn't like it, but realised there is no alternative (unless he wanted to live his entire life in debt).

Did I bring problems to the M? Yes. i was mean, sarcastic, selfish and bad tempered. And demanding. These problems didn't take me a heck of a lot of effort to solve, but I was really annoyed that once i'd "cured" mself H didn't run back with open arms. I just had to wait it all out and let him come to terms in his own time.

I didn't let him off the hook easily though. I did state very clearly that if he did want to get a D he should think long and hard about it and make sure it was really what he wanted. Turns out it wasn't what he wanted. He also had a problem with avoiding conflict too - he has had to learn that he needs to state his needs/wants. Be more assertive. Assertive is good in that it never demands or shouts, it just states its needs calmly.

Hope this helps and your NY party is fab. it could help you here to have a gratitude list - make a list of the things in life which ARE good. Helped me a lot.

take it easy and "speak" soon