Piecing - H still contacts OW

[Heartbroken]

Hello OC,

You sound SO STRONG! WOW! I think you are becoming a DB guru!! You are seeing the small positive baby steps and this only helps with your overall PMA - so keep counting the positives!! Have a great week and make sure to end the visit on a positive note!!

Happy Monday!

HB

[imLIN]

OC...like I mentioned to you before...my H kept some contact that I didn't know about at the time...but in the big picture of things I think it was to make sure she was ok...you know that whole "Knight in shining armor" thing...they came to their rescue and now they need to make sure they didn't abandon them...

As long as things are going okay with you both...and you can see little steps here and there...I would leave the issue of OW completely alone...I know it nags at you...believe me, I still wonder at times...but I know in my heart now when H says he loves me that he does...and I have no worries that SHE means anything to him anymore...in fact the few times I have mentioned her name he will say something like "who?"...as if he is truly not even aware of her existance anymore...

So hang tough...you can bet those guys at dinner will have an impact on H...they will be telling him what a lucky guy he is...he will eventually have to admit to himself he is...maybe not to you verbally...but you will sense it...trust me!

Lin

[ourcrisis]

Thanks, HB and Lin. I need the support.
Having a very hard time today because I am leaving today back home. H will come back in a week to help me pack. Then all the negative thoughts are hitting me right at this moment. Things like OW will appear the moment I leave the airport to spend time with H. Groundless thoughts really, but you all know how wild our imagination can be sometimes.
I am now thinking "H is not concerned about my happiness because he knows contact with OW makes me unhappy. Keeping contact with OW makes OW happy. Why is he putting her happiness in priority and knowingly ignore my unhappiness? If that's the case, just go with her..." Lin, I think you already answer my question. Just have to bang that explanation into my head, SIGH!!!

[imLIN]

I don't think he is thinking one's happiness over another...he is reacting...and remember, they do have feelings for OW...and this takes time...I know it hurts to realize this..

[Heartbroken]

Hello,

So many 'what ifs' - so he is slowly weaning himself off the OW and like another person said to me on these boards - it's easy for them to want to be with the OP - it's all fun and carefree (or so they think) and then to really come back to the LBS they know it will be harder and a heluva lot more work and effort. We can make it harder or easier on them.

I know we (LBS's) have given them so much more than we may ever get back from them but that is our decision. Either we are in this to work it out at any cost (even to our emotional selves - to a certain extent) or we need to get out -- there really cannot be some point in between. The question others have told me about is: Will what you are going to say or do to your H bring you closer to him or push him further away - what is YOUR goal????

My hope is that someday when my H is completely out of his fog (at I am seeing more of that each week) he will be grateful for all the love and support I gave him unconditionally during this crazy time. It's a hope --not so much an expectation. I often question myself on why I continue and why I try so hard and it comes down to I just cannot imagine life without my lover, my best friend my life's partner...

Take it day by day and figure out your goal(s)... What is it YOU want.

You're doing great!!

HB

[ourcrisis]

HB and Lin,

Thanks for all the support and advice. I am the type of peoson who does way better with confirmation and support. Many of these advices you (or others) have given me before and/or I have read them in books. But it helps SO MUCH more that you say it over and over again to me as a reminder. I guess I am the type who needs repetition :-) I guess that's why one of my sons always say, "Mom, you told me yesterday already!!!"

HB, just realize that I have been slacking a bit in confirming H's niceness (like not showing a positive response when he strokes my hair and such). Have to get back on that. Thanks for the reminder to work on bringing H closer to me.

Glad to hear that your H is coming out of the fog. I know you are strong and wise. Your H will see that he has a great wife and will get out of the fog eventually.

[ourcrisis]

I just had a thought today. The holidays are coming. And then there will be new year. Emotions for everyone is running crazy for sure.

So, I have been thinking crazy things, both good and bad. Like what H did last year, what OW may be thinking/doing now, what H is thinking/doing now. No doubt H and OW are doing the same thing, riding the emotional roller coaster.

It is unlikely that my H will say anything to me during the holidays. He is not the type who would declare his love/hatred verbally. BUT (a BIG BUT) if he says something, what would be a good response?

- What if H tells me that "I have not contacted OW for 1 month now."
- "I am still thinking about OW a lot. But I am here"
- "OW is very emotionaly lately (holidays!!!). I cannot dump her now. I need to talk/see her"
- "I am not sure if this is working out. I think about her too much."
- "I am going on a business trip to XXX soon" (then do I push if he is going to see OW?)
- NOTHING. No gift. NOTHING.

I am on a ball. How about other H's possible statement during the holidays?
- "I am glad I moved back. It has been a good X months"
- "I am not sure if this is working out. I am still thinking about D"
- "ILY but I will be moving out after the new year"

Chime in and give us what you think a good response to some or all of these may be. Happy Holidays

[ourcrisis]

Journaling and may be someone has some insight?

I had a weird dream last night. About a year before A, we got ourselves a new pair of rings (anniversary rings) and we have been wearing those and kept the original wedding band in the safe.

I realized that my wedding ring was missing about a year ago. Not sure if I misplaced it or what happened. But it's gone. At that time, I figured, oh well, that probably signals the end of our M anyway. H's wedding ring is still there.

Last night I had a dream. In my dream, I found my wedding ring again. And I found another identical ring without any engraving on it. What is that supposed to mean? It may be a good sign to find my ring in the dream. But the other ring, does it mean OW? I didn't tell H about my dream. I have been having very sad emotions lately and I have enough trouble to stop myself from snapping at him (which I did a few times already over little things). I am determined to have a good new year!!!!

Happy New Year everyone. As my MIL just told me. "LOVE YOURSELF"

[imLIN]

Dreams are just that...don't put any ideas of OW ring into this...I have weird dreams all the time...so does H...sometimes they mean something...usually what we are dealing with at the time will cause us to stress and dream things related...you probably are doing that...and it means nothing...

Take care...and don't worry about it...love yourself...Lin

[Heartbroken]

OC,

I agree with Lin 100%! I feel we can even 'steer' our dreams if we try hard enough! I thought you were going to say you dreamt where the ring was and found it!

Don't be so hard on yourself - you are just at a low point on this crazy roller coaster ride but it will get better! You are such a strong wonderful woman and you need to keep believing in yourself and YOUR choices! Good things are going to happen to you in 2008! Take care of you!

I got an ILY at Xmas so everything here is going GREAT! The only downer is his OW is going nuts - she is blaming him for leaving her M and sending me voicemails and emails that he had sent her! If anything now he finally sees what she really is made of and her lack of any kind of character! We are finally a team fighting together to save our M!!! He thanked me so much last night for not giving up! Your day will come too!!

Have a happy new year!

HB