Well it's been a strange few days to say the least. It appears my parents had talked and decided to, on their own fronts each, to push me to move on. Well my father isn't so tactiful to say the least. When discussing something was said by me in the car, he got really upset and said some things about my W. I got really upset and we had a little yelling match, which isn't all that uncommon for two German descendants.
The next day I asked if I could speak with him. I told him I was going to ask him some tough questions so he could see where I was coming from. His parents, never D'ed, no D's in his family and him and mother have been together for almost 35 years. So this is all very new to him, mother is almost the same with only one sister D'ed and remarried a great guy. So I asked him, what if he found out that Mom was having an A, what would he do. He did say, that he was surprised at my patients and figured by this time, I would have at least punched someones lights out, been arrested or gotten a DUI. We talked and he agreed, he would fight. He said he is amazed at my patience, not something I or anyone in my family is known for. So I have some understanding back with family.
W continues to do what she can to keep me around at drop off's. I keep it cool, and don't bring up the R. She makes sure to tell me that she is going to C'ing, but no appointment yet. She tells me her plans, who she is hanging out with, and I just say it sounds like fun. I don't tell her much about my life and leave it at that. But she gets all dressed up and looks great.
S is not very nice to her in front of me. He kicks and screams the whole time when I drop him off to her. Don't leave, I go with you, no to mommy. Won't go near her, holds my leg, really sad to watch.
I've also begun to feel like a WAS myself. In the sense that I am not rewriting our R, but I am suddenly remembering all of these bad things that happened, that make me wonder if W has had multiple A's throughout our R. Within the last 2 years I can think of two instances where I thought something was going on, so much so that at one time I was buying a special kit to test for ummm! I know it is a dumb thought, but I'm really starting to wonder if I chose poorly. But in front of W I play it cool, so no worry.
Just not sure what I want to do or where I want to go. All I do know is that I have neglected myself lately, and I'm getting back to focusing on me again. Went to a movie with some friends tonight, and also got back on the bike again today. Doing things I enjoy. I need to get out and do some snowshoeing this week.
