Did I Screw Up?

[LL44]

You did great!!! You stuck to what HE is imposing, not fighting him, just following the rules. You are forcing him out there.

Here's the thing, cuz I used to worry about pushing my H away...aren't they really already 'away'?? I mean, really, they are so far gone that its time for us to realize that only *they* will realize they want to come back, nothing we say or do. You are being cordial, flexible and emotionless around him, that's all you can do for now.

[Jen1967]

Thank you! I needed that. I'm just worried about the part where he won't see them until 2 weekends from now. I am still a little worried it looks like I'm not being flexible.

[Jen1967]

OK, So now H says he wants to come to son's birthday party Wednesday at my house with my parents. (H hasn't seen my dad since H moved out. My dad despises him now.) I looked at him funny because I got the paper from his L saying he has no desire for reconciliation. Just this weekend I started enforcing the every-other-weekend thing, which seems to be scaring H outta his mind because he loves the kids. I also was internally torn because my dad hates him so much he could do something physical. But I didn't want to burn that bridge and make H think he could never come back, so I didn't want to say he couldn't come to party when my folks were here.

So when I made a face about the party H goes, "What???" I go, "I'm confused. You want to come here when my PARENTS are here?" He: "Yes, I have a right to see my son on his birthday. I can't believe you'd have a party with your parents instead of me, his father." I go, "You moved out. You don't want to reconcile. I got a letter." He goes, "Yeah, so?" Me: "I thought that meant you wanted to go forward with your paperwork. You know, you could take S and have a party with him, and I can have separate party for him." He goes, "Fine! Forget it!" And starts to walk away. Yes, this is a 46 yr old man acting like a teenager. I said, "I'm confused. The other night at dinner you seemed unsure, then I get this letter." He says, "No, I told you at dinner I want the divorce." I said, "Yes, you did say that's where you are right now, then you said you didn't know what to do. But now that I got this paper it seems you've made up your mind. So I was just trying to follow your lead with what you're trying to do." He said, "When I first gave you paperwork you said slow it down, so we did for 3 months. I haven't seen any changes so I'm saying keep the paperwork going." I said, "I'm still confused. You said at dinner you saw changes in me." He said, "Yeah I do, but I don't want the paperwork to stop. I want it to go forward. I feel like you are trying to change my mind." I said, "No, I thought I was supporting your decision by separating our time with the kids. I'm trying to do what you want by following the custody agreement you gave me. I have to say I'm confused."


He left with the kids. I felt like I pushed too hard and said too much, but I really didn't know what else to say or do. I wasn't going to bring up the letter, but when he all of the sudden said he wanted to come to the party I was giving with my folks, it threw me. He always does stuff like this to me when I'm trying to GAL. But I don't know what to do about the birthday party. So I called his cell phone 45 minutes later and said, "I guess it would be ok if you came to the party, I was just trying to follow your decision, whatever that is. He said, "OK!" all happy-like. Then he said that we could talk later to remove my confusion, because he doesn't want me to be confused about it. Yikes. He's probably just going to reconfirm that he wants D. My dad will want to hurt him and won't come to party if he knows H is there. But I wondered if H is testing the waters to see if family would accept him back. The reason I say this is I had originally (before deciding to do the every other weekend thing) told him he could come over after parents leave, but now all of the sudden after he had the kids all day to himself (handful!) and realized he wouldn't see kids for another 2 weeks he wanted to come over while my parents were here. What's up with that????
I don't want to cave to H with my newfound "moving on" stance because the reality of not having a built in family might bring him home, but I also don't want to stop any move he's making toward family, if that's what he's doing. Impossible to tell.

I feel like every time I try to move on with my life and show that I am making decisions for myself he tries to throw a wrench in it. If he wants to move on, why won't he let me???? If he's so sure he wants out, why does he stop my progress? Mind you, I don't want out. I'm at my wits end and nothing is changing while I am the doting wife letting him come over here as he pleases. I am shaking it up a bit. I hope it works.

But the truth is, I am starting to believe he truly wants the D and that there was never any chance. I think all the talking and crumb-giving has been for some reason other than hope or a chance. His actions are all away from me. I just don't think he's coming home.

[Jen1967]

Argh!!! How can I take a stand to shake things up, not seem like I'm sending the message "screw you", but not pursue him? I am failing miserably at this! I'm gonna lose him!!!

Help! someone say a prayer for me.

[fooled again]

Oh Jen,

I understand how you are feeling. You want to either move on or reconcile, but every time you see any tiny indication of progress, you are ready to give him whatever you think he needs to make it work, and when you do he pulls away. Then when you try to get on with your life, he baits you and makes you feel bad for doing what he said he wanted. I am very closely acquainted with this roller coaster, yo-yo mess of a life you are leading.

As difficult as this may seem, you ABSOLUTELY have to show him that you will survive w/out him, and that if he wants a D, you will move on and find your own happiness. And you will, but you have to believe it too. I have come to realize that this is the only way to do this, is to be strong and confident and know that you deserve better. If you show him you will take being treated badly, he will continue to treat you that way. Show him that you are worth more than that, believe it, and because it's true.

[Jen1967]

fooled again, thank you for the advice. it is very hard to move forward because he does bait me, but also because i feel like he shows no sign of missing me or caring at all. and i fear he takes it as a message i don't need or want him.

i don't know how to show i am not stopping progress with his settlement papers sent to my L. i don't want to file. i don't think he will because then it will be litigated. he wants me to respond with a counter offer out of court and eventually we will come to an agreement we both sign that we then file with the court. no trial necessary. convenient for him, not wise for me. i won't do it that way. but i don't know how to look like i'm doing some kind of legal move forward so he doesn't think i'm holding him up. i am starting to wonder if i'm wasting my time. he seems like his mind is made up.

i'm talking to L tomorrow. maybe we could counter with a ridiculously high offer.

[Jen1967]

UPDATE: H wants to work on M. We went to C once, then H went on business trip. C told him to not talk to OW while out there, H told me he wouldn't. He said he told OW not to call him. He called from trip and said he wants to have long talk when he gets home Friday. He said he needs me, is thinking of me, and misses me. Then he said this pic I sent him is hot. This is a fast turnaround.

He also mentioned taking kids and me on trip in Feb. This is fast. He doesn't live here yet. I'm not sure how to handle all of this.

What seemed to work for me was this: DB for 3.5 months, then when he admitted to A, back off, was not available, looked like I wanted D, said "enough is enough, make a choice", made appt with C, sent him the date and directions. When he asked if I loved him and could forgive him, I said yes. So it's a weird combo of DBing, then playing hardball, moving on, but letting him know I do love him. Strange, but something worked.

Now, onto piecing......

[chocolateeyes]

So it's a weird combo of DBing, then playing hardball, moving on, but letting him know I do love him.

Yep. Amazing, isn't it??

[LL44]

Wonderful Jen, just wonderful!!!

[Jen1967]

lwb,

So, I guess this answers the question I saw you had on my other thread of how things are.

How are things with you?