Long and Bumpy Road 2be continued...

[JennyF]

From everything I've heard on these boards, a month is not a long time.
When kids are involved I've heard it referred to as "going DIM" instead of dark. Maybe this a better way of looking at it.

But I think the key is that you may not see progress in him over that time...it's yourself you need to be most worried about.

Is it reasonable to ask for this NC with her if he wants to contact me?
I am just afraid that he will continue cake eating as long as I let him.

I think you have to be careful with this one. Asking him for anything will probably make him feel that you're making demands on him and I think that will push him away. I think the NC has to be your choice and your execution between you and him...don't worry about him and OW. I know it's easier said than done, it's true. And really, what good will it do?

When you say 'cake eating'...exactly what is he doing that is making him a cake-eater?
J~

[Startingover2]

No, he got it. Maybe the way I went about it was wrong, but I do feel the same. I really don't want to have anything to do with him if he is still in contact with OW.

[blindsided1]

Today must be the day of hardships for us all. It's all I can do to stop myself from texting H when I'm upset about something. What a great thing it would be if my H cared half as much about how I'm feeling and doing. I don't hear from him for days on end.

I know it sucks when you send something and then second guess it. Let it go. You can't change it. I'll be interested to see how he responds.

[Startingover2]

Well, I never heard from him yesterday or last night. I am not surprised. He is hunting and I am sure he wasn't wanting to deal with this. He will be home tonight sometime.

I keep thinking about whether I did the wrong thing or not. I have been db'ing for 18 months now and it really hasn't brought him back. It's only allowed him to cake eat. I am not saying that dbing is wrong but I think I am getting to the end of my rope. I just feel like I don't want to go on doing the same old thing.

I was talking to a gf last night who got married after 8 long years of being off and on with her bf. They just got married a year ago today! It lasted until March of this year (3 months) and he decided he didn't want to be married anymore. She was 5 months pregnant. He now pops in and out when he feels like it and there are no boundaries. He is seeing someone and it kills her. I listened to her pain last night after she spent the day with him and the baby and then he ups and drives away to spend the night with his new gf. She has been at this with him for 8 years now.

At what point do you say enough??!! Maybe I am just in a bad place now, but for me at this moment it feels like if I let this continue it will. H has the perfect life. He can mentally/emotionally move on when he feels like it when he goes home but I can't. I worry I will be stuck here forever.

I was reading on another board that I belong to that says for R to truly happen there has to be NC with OW. NONE. That you do 180 and not let them cake eat. I don't know what is right in my sich right now. Very confused and down.

[Startingover2]

Jenny, I just saw your post from yesterday.

H is trying to live 2 lives without the two crashing together. He says he wants to work it out with me, go slow, etc, but still has OW and a different life on the side. He wants his family when he wants it and then disappears. I have seen text messages to and from OW and they are not just friends. There is a dependency on both sides. I even saw one from her encouraging him to tell me he was sick and spend the night with her.

He wants to work on us...fine. Then she has to go. If he wants to be single...fine. Then I am gone.

[Startingover2]

I just heard from H. Got my usual "how are you feeling?" I responded with "much better"

Not sure what is happening. Either he forgot about my text from yesterday or he is avoiding it. I will give it some time and see.

The more I think about it the more certain I have reached my fork in the road. Like I said before, maybe sending a text during his hunting trip about OW was not the time but I still feel the same. Something has to be done one way or the other. No more wishy washy in between. I am ok with either. Of course I would rather have my family but I have given him enough time and chances. If we are not going to make it I would rather start going on.

For some reason I do feel better when I have this mindset. I am no longer waiting on H to decide.

[blindsided1]

Whatever you decide to do, I know you will do what's best for you and the kids. I'm sorry to see that you are still in this place after 18 months. That scares me as well. Last night I got a real good glance at how cocky and full of himself my H is. I don't know what to do either. I've only been in this sitch for 2 months and it's destroying me. As my Mother always says, "things have a way of working themselves out." Something has to change eventually. What that is? Who knows. I wish you luck. Have a good day today and I hope it gets better for you. I really do.

[Startingover2]

Thanks Blindsided...I always want to type BS for your name, but don't want it to sound bad...lol

You won't believe this text I just got from him:

-If you can, can you run and pick up my meds at the pharmacy? I won't be back in time.

OMG! Did he not hear me yesterday? When I was his wife and even when I thought we were in R, I would do those kinds of things for him, but not now. Hes got guts asking me that. I haven't responded and will come up with an excuse for why I cant.

[blindsided1]

Just don't respond. Tell him you were napping and it got too late. My H does the same crap. He asked me about two weeks ago to go pick something up from school for him, at night mind you. The only reason he asked me to do that is because he thought I was with someone else and was testing to see if I would be home that night. He's pretty transparent sometimes. And, Yes, BS would sound a little bad. How about blind. Because I swear sometimes I act it.

[Startingover2]

I never responded and I never heard from him again. He is such a user. That was one of the first times I have turned him down to do something for him. I bet he is scratching his head. I loved doing things for him before...I was his wife. But now, no. Especially with the way he is acting. I am sure he doesn't want to spend the $$ for his own meds.

Uck. I had to go to my mom's for awhile last night and OW's parents live on my way there. When I drove by her parents house OW's car was there. I just get this sick to my stomach feeling everytime I see her.

New Year's Eve....probably spend it alone again and go to sleep at 9.