Did I Screw Up?

[Jen1967]

OK, So now H says he wants to come to son's birthday party Wednesday at my house with my parents. (H hasn't seen my dad since H moved out. My dad despises him now.) I looked at him funny because I got the paper from his L saying he has no desire for reconciliation. Just this weekend I started enforcing the every-other-weekend thing, which seems to be scaring H outta his mind because he loves the kids. I also was internally torn because my dad hates him so much he could do something physical. But I didn't want to burn that bridge and make H think he could never come back, so I didn't want to say he couldn't come to party when my folks were here.

So when I made a face about the party H goes, "What???" I go, "I'm confused. You want to come here when my PARENTS are here?" He: "Yes, I have a right to see my son on his birthday. I can't believe you'd have a party with your parents instead of me, his father." I go, "You moved out. You don't want to reconcile. I got a letter." He goes, "Yeah, so?" Me: "I thought that meant you wanted to go forward with your paperwork. You know, you could take S and have a party with him, and I can have separate party for him." He goes, "Fine! Forget it!" And starts to walk away. Yes, this is a 46 yr old man acting like a teenager. I said, "I'm confused. The other night at dinner you seemed unsure, then I get this letter." He says, "No, I told you at dinner I want the divorce." I said, "Yes, you did say that's where you are right now, then you said you didn't know what to do. But now that I got this paper it seems you've made up your mind. So I was just trying to follow your lead with what you're trying to do." He said, "When I first gave you paperwork you said slow it down, so we did for 3 months. I haven't seen any changes so I'm saying keep the paperwork going." I said, "I'm still confused. You said at dinner you saw changes in me." He said, "Yeah I do, but I don't want the paperwork to stop. I want it to go forward. I feel like you are trying to change my mind." I said, "No, I thought I was supporting your decision by separating our time with the kids. I'm trying to do what you want by following the custody agreement you gave me. I have to say I'm confused."


He left with the kids. I felt like I pushed too hard and said too much, but I really didn't know what else to say or do. I wasn't going to bring up the letter, but when he all of the sudden said he wanted to come to the party I was giving with my folks, it threw me. He always does stuff like this to me when I'm trying to GAL. But I don't know what to do about the birthday party. So I called his cell phone 45 minutes later and said, "I guess it would be ok if you came to the party, I was just trying to follow your decision, whatever that is. He said, "OK!" all happy-like. Then he said that we could talk later to remove my confusion, because he doesn't want me to be confused about it. Yikes. He's probably just going to reconfirm that he wants D. My dad will want to hurt him and won't come to party if he knows H is there. But I wondered if H is testing the waters to see if family would accept him back. The reason I say this is I had originally (before deciding to do the every other weekend thing) told him he could come over after parents leave, but now all of the sudden after he had the kids all day to himself (handful!) and realized he wouldn't see kids for another 2 weeks he wanted to come over while my parents were here. What's up with that????
I don't want to cave to H with my newfound "moving on" stance because the reality of not having a built in family might bring him home, but I also don't want to stop any move he's making toward family, if that's what he's doing. Impossible to tell.

I feel like every time I try to move on with my life and show that I am making decisions for myself he tries to throw a wrench in it. If he wants to move on, why won't he let me???? If he's so sure he wants out, why does he stop my progress? Mind you, I don't want out. I'm at my wits end and nothing is changing while I am the doting wife letting him come over here as he pleases. I am shaking it up a bit. I hope it works.

But the truth is, I am starting to believe he truly wants the D and that there was never any chance. I think all the talking and crumb-giving has been for some reason other than hope or a chance. His actions are all away from me. I just don't think he's coming home.