I agree with your last post totally, and I must say, I did exactly the same thing. We went to MC, and I followed the advice 100%. I never used to leave work when our kids were sick, and always made her do that. That was one of many things that built up resentment. But, like you, as soon as I found out that was an issue, I went to the opposite extreme to make it up to her. I stayed home/left work EVERY time one of our kids was sick, to the point that my boss started to comment. I like you started planning activities: Broadway Shows, nights out. Same result as you. To the point that last Christmas, friends of ours said they thought I was "an abused husband", because I compromised myself so much.
I wasn't trying to say that you or I were perfect, or did nothing wrong. I think we were just hard working guys trying to do the best for our families and keep a lot of balls in the air at one time. I suspect your wife, like mine, was difficult to live with anyway. My W. has alienated close friends who we’re known for many years, because they may have said something she didn’t agree with. I can think of at least two women, who have no idea why my W. no longer speaks to them. I did the same as you. W. wanted to go to nursing school. Great...I support you. I'll pay $1000 per course for you...She quit after 3 courses. Could I have gotten mad? Sure. Could we have both been uber-alpha males? Sure. Where would that have gotten us? I believe in the same place we are now. We're NOT perfect, but I have to say, we're just human beings with flaws like any other person. Did we do enough to have our partner destroy any hope for our kids to have an intact family? I don't think so, but that doesn’t matter. You sound a lot like me. The game we played was like "Whack-a-Mole" When W.'s bitched about an issue, we focused on fixing it with laser-like precision. But guess what? That mole stuck its head out of another hole! Same approach, right?
The article I posted about is what we’ve both heard before. Men just sometimes don’t get it. My W. said the same thing about “teaching me to listen”. This is such bulls&it on both of their parts. I nor you are mind readers. If you want something…ask for it. There’s another article that was attached to the one I psoted, that said run your marriage like a business. Make it public what you need. Have a good New Year. I’ll look in on you later!
Yup, the mindreading thing is always a biggie! My W expected that I know whatever she needed without ever being told. I should know what she feels and what she needs, we should be melded into each others psyches, I guess! I remember saying to her "sometimes I will know what you need and sometimes you'll need to tell me, that's the way life is" It didn't go over well. Mindreading was a major issue in our M, especially since her OP seemed to be so damn good at it...oh yeah, she didn't have kids, mortgage, bills etc and she could spend her every waking moment pondering "what does Mrs. Whatis need today?" I was fighting a blazing fire with a squirt gun. It's funny though, she never seemed to know what I needed or felt but that was just another indication, according to her, as to why we shouldn't be together. That was her answer for any of her own shortcomings, just more proof we shouldn't be together. It was never "hey, lets work at changing some of this stuff"! That would require work and work ain't romantic. But that is that, as I've said before, W and OP will have to live with what they've done to our family, I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could to create a loving M and family. I failed but there is no shame in that, I gave it all I had.
FLTC, here's one you'll enjoy! It was a while ago and W came home from work obviously upset, I was cooking in the kitchen:
Me: You look upset, is something bothering you? W: If you were me, what would be bothering you right now? Me: I'm not you so I have no idea W: Well, why don't you ask me some probing questions? Me: Or you could just tell me W: You're a social worker, so if I was one of your clients would you expect me to walk into your office and just tell you? Me: Firstly, you are not one of my clients, you are my W and you can choose to tell me or not, it's up to you!
What a stupid interaction. Btw, in case you are thinking this, it turned out that the issue had absoluely nothing to do with me, it was a work issue! She was just looking for someone to lash out at, so pick the guy who showed some caring, go figure!
You also kidnapped the Lindbergh baby...Oh, no wait a minute, that was me. Homerun on the "it's just another reason why we shouldn't be together". I got this one last year: "We need a cornerstone to build our relationship on" 20 years of marriage, 3 kids, mortgage and a daughter out of control....ugh! With a little more anger, your W. could be mine. Why couldn't she just say what the he&& was bothering her? I think it's really a case of NOTHING can be right..at all.
Well, I just got back from an evening out with the family. We went downtown to look at Christmas lights and store windows with my parents. Yes, me, my XW, my kids and my parents. Wow, W and I spend more time together now that we're separated than we did when we were married! ha ha ha. W asked me if I'd like to come over for New Years Eve dinner and I declined saying I had other plans for the evening, which I do. A woman friend asked me to come over to her place for a small gathering of friends and I'm going. I told W I'd drop over about 10:00 pm and bring in the New Year with them, she said that would be fine. I wanted very much to say yes to the dinner invitation but it's not prudent to look too available and eager. I also kept what I was doing and who I would be with to myself, keeping my activities somewhat mysterious. I do wonder whether W is just trying to keep up the "we are family" charade while also continuing to keep OP in the shadows so that everything in her little world remains the same. Who knows, but I'm going to do what works for me here, there won't be any Whatis panting to get back together, uh uh. I'm building my own new life here, she can work to be part of it or not, I'm not waiting with abated breath, that's for sure!
Well, tonights New Years Eve dinner was Pear and Brie pizza. A recipe from the newspaper, so I went out and bought the ingredients and presto! I'll take one to my party tonight and the other to W's for late evening snack...oh, I also had some for dinner. Happy New Year DBers, we shall overcome!
My W expected that I know whatever she needed without ever being told.
Was your W ever able to read your mind? Was she ever able to fulfill your needs without your saying anything? I had this same problem with my H. Ugh! Very frustrating!!!!!
Wii, I am so glad your dad is doing well. Awesome!!!
Take care, and Happy New Year!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Being Me, you ask whether my W was ever able to read my mind? Of course not, but that's just another reason we shouldn't be together! Ha Ha Ha!!!! Last night I went to my friends house until about 10:00 pm and then went over to W's to bring in the New year with her and the kids. It was a nice evening. Today I chose not to go to her/our friends place for the day, it just felt like too much together time as we usually spend the whole day and evening there. I went to visit my parents for a couple of hours instead. W needs to know that everything is NOT as it was before, despite whatever little fantasy she has cooked up in her head. I will do what I am comfortable doing, I will not cater to her every whim about "family". If family meant so much to her than she should have made better choices before we separated, she didn't so now she can live with building a new family that will have to take into account what I am able and willing to do. She may be very good at shutting out her feelings and carrying on but that's her trip. I have feelings and am proud to say I let them show once in a while! Our family is a work in the making, the old family is dead, what is is and what will be will be!
Well, tonight I took someone pretty special out for dinner, myself! I decided it was time to celebrate getting through Christmas and New Years in one piece. I took myself to a Steak and Seafood place and had a wonderful meal, and the company was superb! While I was eating I was debating whether to attend a classical music concert in the next few weeks or save myself for a dance performance I'd like to see or do both! Suddenly, I almost burst out laughing, here I am thinking about classical music and dance performances, WTH! It dawned on me that I really am a man that women should be dying to spend an evening with. Since this devastating experience of the past few years I have become someone entirely different and far more interesting too. I've opened myself up to things I never considered before. It's just too bad W doesn't want a piece of it, yet in many ways I have become the man she said she wanted. Who would have thought in a million years that I would be taking Latin Dance (starts in two weeks) and going to Men's Group Church meetings? I've taken this bull by the horns and I'm going to run with it, I will make a good life for myself. W what W?
