All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Evie]

Jen & Saffie,

Thanks for your posts and replies and advice.

Well a lot has happened since the last post and H returned from his holiday.

Jen you are right about getting a reaction later and not necessarily at the time, I have noticed this has happened in the past and when H does reply he replies in a way that he makes it seem it was his idea!!

Xmas was good under the circumstances, I didn't have any expectations so I made it My christmas. There is a lot of positives from the past week and I also want to post some questions to the board as well.

H stayed over on xmas eve. Xmas day the kids and I left H at home to go to my moms for lunch. H had gone when we got back at 6.30pm. Received text off H hoping we had all had a great day. Now if I wanted to be bitter and make him pay then I could have left him to stew in his own juices, but nobody deserves to be on their own on Xmas Day, so I text H and invited him back, he did eventually come over and stay again, sharing with S2.

Somewhere along the way a day or so later, we arranged to take the boys to the cinema and to cut a long story of mis communication short we didn't go. H sent a text and I could tell he was angry as he thought I had delibrately not contacted him. I phoned H to explain my side of the story, but a lot was said which upset me and I had to go out for a walk to calm down, leaving the kids to sort themselves out for 1/2 hr. I left the mobile at home, but when i got back i had a few missed calls and text messages from h. This started almost 24 hours of texting!!!

I'll condense what H said, but he stated that it was his worst xmas ever, that he feels really quilty for hurting me so much, that he bears no resentment, anger or bitterness towards me. He said he had time on his hands and his mind was playing tricks on him, he said he had to much time on his hands to think and couldn't wait to get back to work. He said he thought he was having a nervous breakdown and didn't feel confident or positive atm and the only thing keeping him going was the boys, and the only normality he has is the inside of his car ( i replied that I thought he may have mild depression). He said he realised that lack of communication was his biggest fault and he hated himself for it. H never thought that the seperation would be so emotional or traumatic. He blames work, finances, lack of space (from the kids) and lack of time together. He said he has no regrets and the only grudge he bears is towards my Xh & wife, who he said he feels that they have made us pay all of our time together for me leaving XH. It made me really sad when he said that the house no longer feels like his and that he feels really uncomfortable and unable to relax in it. He said I have decorated and added cats which arn't his. (I asked him to help me decorate the bedrooms so that S1 could move into his own room, he said he would, but he didn't).

When I listened to all of what he was saying, he sounds vulnerable but selfish, it's all about how hard he works to keep this house going so that the kids and I can stay here and he has to live in shoe box!!. He said he realised it was all his own fault. He said that he knew I had great friends whom i could talk too and who I went out a lot with, that he only has 2 friends, one he now hates and the other is a depressive who chages with the wind.

I tried to stay detached,I pointed out that this was want he wanted, he left me and we are just trying to get through this as best way we can, that yes the raw pain of his rejection was still painful, I asked him what he wanted and what he was going to do about it, his reply was mainly down to money and not been able to get a bigger place.

I know 25yrs adviced no pursuing and also no sympathy. I have noticed that 'less is not more'. When H had the boys to stay over during the week, I text him the next morning to see if he would like to take the boys ice skating and I would drive and pick them up. H texted 'yes, what time?' straight back. He also asked me to go to the cinema and then out for dinner with the boys, he said it would be really nice if I came. It was birthday also and he made a special trip into the city to buy my present, he had spent alot to, again I had no expectation of a present so was quite over whelmed when I saw what it was. His card was generic and just said 'best wishes', no 'with Love' or kisses, But i got a card and a present which I didn't expect. I also planned my own birthday this year b/c he has really let me down the last 3 years, so he was suprised when he found out what the plans were and also (i think) that he wasn't involved.

After your reply this morning Jen I decided to text H and invite him for Tea tonight. He replied straight away, 'yes, that would be good, about 4pm?'. Now part of me wanted to go dark and not initiate any more contact, b/c I felt I had made a huge effort this past week. But then on the other hand I thought, this is the last sunday b/c i'l be working every sunday from next week and won't get the chance and also I wanted him to be invited to the hub, see and feel the warmth and love. Not sure if I've done the right thing or not or if it will help achieve or not achieve the ultimate goal?

H still texts a lot, he seems to open up more in texts, but when we see him, he doesn't seem the person who says what he says in texts?

I'm also upset about what he said about feeling uncomfortable in the family home, Will this prevent him in the long run from returning?

He also said a lot of positive things about me, but nothing that indicates that his feelings have changed (early days yet, I guess?)

Jen - your right about the patience, I have a time frame on this in my mind, also I think we need a lot more growing and he is obviously thinking more.

Must go now H is due any minute. Sorry its so long.

Looking forward to hearing from, sorry I have rambled and my writings are hard to understand.

XE