I'm in deep right now and need to vent a little here.
He's home. The guy. For a few weeks.
I'm going to see him tonight..at his house.
I don't need people to tell me "don't go, it's wrong" etc. Well, you can, but I'm not going to listen. It feels like the absolutely right thing to do. I want to go. I need to go. I need to feel him again. That he's real.
This is crazy. I'm going crazy I think. And I've never been more gleeful. That's the F-ed up part. I want this more than I've wanted anything in...who knows how long.
So this is it. Might be the turning point in the road that I am taking full responsibility for, and will be living with the consequences of, certainly.
I'm tempted to just tell H everything right now. But....my best friend told me not to. She says it would be selfish. You would just hurt him. You're not having sex anyways so what difference does it make. And what if the guy just wants to F you, then what? Why ruin your M? What if he goes back and gets killed in the next few months? Then you lose both ways. Just keep it to yourself. If you make that choice, you need to live with those consequences yourself. and on and on.
So I am freaking out...just a tad.
I'm fully aware I love the dramatic, so this is about as good as it gets right? Or as bad as it gets, depending.
But all I know is I feel dead as a person in this M. I can't do. I just can't. I've seriously tried. I know I am talking to this guy again (obviously) but I didn't for a very long time. I swear. I was really focused on the M. It didn't change. And here we are again...
So I am going to see this guy again tonight, for the first time in over 2 years. And I am going to tell him to his face how I truly feel. I really have no idea what he is going to say. Well, I have some idea but I don't know what to believe anymore. But again, I don't really care. I just want to enjoy the moment. Because that's all we really get, right? The present? I just want to feel that feeling again. I just want to feel some passion again.
Oh boy, I'm in deep for sure.
I'll let you know how it goes, one way or the other.... Thanks for letting me get that out....
