Yes, to say that I am confused greatly understates my present state of mind. Christmas Eve takes the cake, though. And to say that she is embarrassed AND doesn't remember 'much' only adds to the confusion; in my mind anyway. Perhaps she knows exactly what she was and is doing and getting exactly what she wants and I am simply blinded by my feelings for her. Who knows? I don't.
I have been given 'advice' all over the board by friends, many of whom have known her much longer than I, and they are even more confused by her erratic, confusing, contradictory behavior and words. Much of the advice is centered around my own co-dependence/sickness where it comes to my XW and (as they see it) my need to stay free and clear of the 'spell' she clearly has over me.
I was feeling much more stable and settled in my own place for 1.5 years as our journey to the big D marched on. THEN, BF3, or DH3 as I like to number her BFs, came into the picture and she fell hard for this loser-troll who eventually showed enough of his true colors to remove the 'attraction' glasses she was wearing while she was 'with' this, uhhhhhh, person.
XW was deathly afraid of DH3 due to his threats, intimidation and verbal, physical, and psychological abuse. XW would often say that she was going to call on her 'good' male friends to escort DH3 out, but when push came to shove, she only called one person...me, alone. (SIDEBAR: During our time apart XW has befriended or re-acquainted herself with old male 'friends' ALL of whom are clearly less than desirable 'friends', yet they are all lumped together in her words as "GOOD FRIENDS!" Such GOOD FRIENDS that she can't rely on any of them to help her in her time of need. NONE!) This happened several times, but I was not concerned for my safety, I was concerned for her safety and my children's safety due to her stupid choices.
Regardless, towards the end, DH3 began telling XW that he was going to hurt me if she didn't do what he wanted. She said she was afraid of what he would do and I pointed out that every time I went over to 'save' her he gave me a wide berth, plus he had a few opportunities to be alone with me to 'start something' and made the wise decision to keep his mouth shut and keep his hands to himself. I told her, HE is afraid of ME. Trust me.
In any event, she did not want to move back home without me because, for whatever reason, with me comes her feeling of safety. Mind you, I never laid a hand on that little troll, but I always got the calls to come and 'save' her from the ramifications of her choices. Will someone please illuminate WHY I am the person she calls when she was so hell bent on divorcing me and had soooooooooooooooo many GOOD MALE FRIENDS?
A female friend of mine said, "She didn't divorce you (in order) to get back together with you." This statement was made right after I moved back in with XW and our children. I am sure there is a lot of truth in that and I am also sure that only XW truly knows why she 'needed' me to move back in, at this point.
Tonight my friend says it's because XW wants to 'try' again. I don't truly know and I've often been told I'm 'kinda thick' when it comes to me recognizing a woman has an interest in me. Plus this woman is my XW! I'd love for it to be real, that she is giving us a 'try' with me living with her again and her being able to look at the possibilities of us working out without needing to commit to a romantic relationship with me and w/o needing to make a 'public' declaration that she wants to try to work things out with me; to see if my 'changes' are real or just BS. To 'save face' with all of the people she character assassinated me with if she had a change of heart.
I also don't fully understand the depths of HER pain, disappointment, and distrust from my affair, because she won't talk to me about anything real and I DO NOT push it. Certainly NO R talk. At this point, I take what I can get from her. I would love for her to forgive me, but I know that she is the only person who can do that. She says she has, but she clearly hasn't. Life and screw ups can be so painful and complicated! I never expected her to forget nor condone my transgressions. Some 'things' are inexcusable, but nothing is unforgivable.
I know that there is very little positive I can do for our relationship at this point, except work on making myself more attractive TO HER and take care of our children. Now, I DO know that there's a whole lot I can do to mess up anything that is happening right now that even remotely looks positive.
Now more confusing stuff, as pointed out by my friend. I was asked why all the bed 'swapping' has been happening over here 'all' the time? XW is asleep in my bed right now because she was watching a movie with our D7 and D7 began acting 7! XW became annoyed and irritable (tired from feeling ill). I saw it happening and saw the annoyed look on XW's face and I approached her and quietly asked her what I could do to make the situation better for her.
XW's response was irritated and pointed, telling me that she no longer wanted to watch a movie with our D7. I asked her what she wanted to do and she told me she wanted to watch Pan's Labyrinth on DVD. I asked her what room she wanted to watch the movie in and I thought I heard her say in her room. I asked her where the DVD was and she told me it was in HER room. I went to her room to get the DVD and waited for her but she never came. Apparently, she said she wanted to watch it in MY room. I brought the DVD into my room and started the movie for her and left the room.
I checked on her later and she was asleep. I let her sleep more and then awoke her to get her assistance to apply 'pink eye' medication to our S2's eyes. She was awake enough to tell me we could do it in the morning and stayed in my bed. This doesn't bother me, but my friend's 'take' on the 'bed swapping' and me moving back in with my family are mutually exclusive. They both can't reasonably co-exist. NOT wanting to get back together (but wanting me to move back in) PLUS the level of comfort and ease with the 'bed swapping' in our home because she wants to 'try' again. Nope; definitely mutually exclusive. Hopefully, someone can help me clarify my 'muddy' sitch, at least in my mind.
We've been separated/divorced for 2 birthday and holiday seasons and have spent all of them celebrating together as a 'family', broken as it is and has been. Now for the kicker. XW told me tonight, while I was cooking myself dinner, that she was going to make a fantastic dinner for the family (me included) on New Year's Eve! WOW! The last 2 NYE's she did her own thing and I spent them with our children. Regardless, I am really happy about having all of us together on NYE this year.
Please offer any thoughts and/or words of encouragement as I try to reconcile my R with my XW. Thank you.
p.s. I know, this post wasn't shorter than the first 2, sorry. Less background, more current events/feelings going forward. Thanks.
Letting Go Tom; JUST DO IT! previously hopeful_husband
my A: Fall 05 W found out: Feb 06; separated immediately W pursued D, final 7/11/07
