H never came back from Iraq

[MichelleLT]

The "I want my cake and eat it too" is part of my frustration. He keeps saying he doesn't believe in D, and has dawdled on filing for six months now, but won't act like my H and continues to have the PA. I just keep telling myself that he's acting out because of everything going on with him, but it doesn't matter how non-judgmental or supportive of H I am, it's never enough. H has pulled the ILYBINILWY and the "too little, too late" with me, so then why not file? Does H really expect me to be his faithful wife forever while he's out screwing around??? He can't have both. He has to choose.

As for his behavior, it would be great if he was having a good time. If he was just doing what he's always done with working part-time or full-time at whatever catches his fancy that would be fine - he's never been the 9-5 office type and I've always known and accepted that. It's a lot more than that. He's working on becoming an alcoholic and has gotten into some self-mutilation with the encouragement of OW who "was" a razor-blade deliberate-self-harm cutter. The other issue is that he wants a high standard of living and spends a lot of money on clothing and bar stuff. Not to mention that he's gone through phases where he replies to posts on the one-night stand forum of Craig's List (both guys and girls, but mostly guys) with pictures of the welts that he's made on himself and lots of explicit sexual stuff - although he claims he's never met any of them, he's always backed out at the last minute. He hedged about one person though, so not sure what happened with that. And that happened when we were still living together, before the affair, and before I found out he was unhappy, and it's happened again while he's been with OW (although she at least got a pathetically weepy e-mail apology begging her forgiveness).

It's been almost exactly 2 years since he left Baghdad, and I miss the guy that went over there cuz he didn't come back. Instead H got replaced with some insecure, depressed, alcoholic unsuccessful dreamer with a long list of places to see and things to do that he has made zero progress on. I miss the guy who always made me laugh, who was protective and sweet, who loved to cook for me, and who didn't care about money. We were so much happier when we were both completely broke college students.

Plus, to top my night off, going out to dinner with my dad for his birthday ended with an hour long lecture about how I'm letting him screw up my life and that I just need to walk away so I don't have any emotional baggage in the years to come and how divorcing his first wife was the best thing he ever did (he's been married to my mom for 32 years although I can't say necessarily happily for the last 5). I just hope we can leave the topic alone on this vacation because I do not want it ruined.