W still angry with me, but the intensity lessens

[fb2]

Lan, I'm sure its much harder for you than it seems. Any idea why she's holding back?

[Lanzo]

fb2

Could be she's holding back cos she's observing the changes and wants to see if they are real, if they will last.

Could be she still torn between me and OM,or she trying to get over OM.

It will probalby turn out to be somthing different cos whenever I speculate about W she always surprises me.

So I have to be Patient, Patient, Patient.

[Lanzo]

Dear All,

I saw the New Year in together with W.

At the point of midnight we shared a glass of champagne and a hug, a hug which was luke warm, and unenthusiastic. I wanted to cry but couldn't find the tears.

Let me back things up a little, W spent the previous night in other town at relatives with FIL & D6, the town where she first met OM. However at this point I make no assumptions or accusations. When W returned she had a face like a slapped ass, she was in a down mood, she didn't want to take up any of the many new year celebrations offers which we had, she just wanted to stay indoors in her night gown and watch a movie.

We watched a movie up until 11:50pm, we shared the champagne at midnight. I think I was hoping for some sort of declaration about us making a go of things in 2008 but it never came from her and I didn't say anyting. As W said earlier in the evening Jan 1st, just another day, people just carry on as normal. W stayed up watching TV after that and I went up to bed to write this draft. I think W was expecting me to fall asleep, as she came up at 2:00am but I was still awake.

When she got into bed I asked W if we could hug a little before we fell asleep, she said No. So I asked her a question she asked me on Christmas day which was "are my expectations of you too high at the moment" she replied Yes. No more was said I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

2008 a new year, it's not started well but I need to hide my disappointment and get back to basic DB principles. I pray I can make it this year.

PS: there are some positive events from the evening ie W giving her approval to some new flooring I laid and discussing with me decorating the house together this year. So I have to accept it isn't all doom and gloom (but it feels like it). Plus I just read this quote from Brit.

W has been a lot more open to more touching and flirting recently, but I know that if we get back to that sort of relationship, it's going to be a long time. It was the first thing to go, and it'll be the last thing to come back (maybe).

So as I said before I have to be Patient, Patient, Patient.

[Lanzo]

New goal for 2008, improve the improved communications with W, also create an atmosphere where we can express our true feeling.

OK I made a start. This morning I brought W a cup of water to take with her meds, I wished her a happy New Year again. I then told her that last night when I asked for a hug, I wasn't pushing for anything more than that. I just thought that as were we entering a New Year I wanted to feel a closeness to her as we are on much more friendlier terms than we have been for a long while. I take no offence from her saying No, I won't be sulking all day, and we carry on with this friendlier relationship.

I told W that it is important that we speak of things like this rather than hold them in as this only creates the atmosphere of resentment, mistrust and misunderstanding which we've had for years. This was always my problem. All the time I was talking W was nodding in agreement and making good eye contact but she didn't say anything back.

So speaking out as I did was a big 180 for me normally I would sulk and go off in a huff. In return was W showing me empathy ? I'm not sure, but anyway I feel better after that short chat.

[Lanzo]

Hi All,

One of my previous correspondents told me to focus on what W is doing for me rather than what she is not doing, with this in mind I can see I'm still in the game. Here are some positives

W talks to me without the anger (occasionally it resurfaces).
She will sit in the same room as me.
She has let me share her bed again. (No touching of course)
She walks past me after her shower wrapped with towel. (She used make sure I out of the way before leaving the bathroom).
She doesn't cover up when I enter the bedroom and she's in a state of undress.
She will sit with me at meal times and talk. (light stuff, she now backs off from R or D talk)
She will cook meals for me. (After the bomb she told me not to touch any food in the house).
She considers me when she buys the weekly groceries.
She will give the occasional hug. (very occasional, no kisses).
She will join me if I make suggestions (Shops, Coffee etc)
She put a lot of thought into my Birthday & Xmas presents.
She has said she would consider counselling. (last year she said no f-ing way)
She has said she doesn't want to sell the house.
She has discussed decorating the house with me.
She did mention joint car insurance to save money.
She lets me drive her new car.
We brought a photoprinter together. (for shared memories)
She does show concern for my well being on various issues.
She still wants to do various family activities together with D6
She is now reconsidering the whole sitch After I said the M is over.
She told me it's over with OM (I'm not convinced, see snooping note below).

At the moment the only danger to this steady progress is me. I snooped over xams and got caught, I apologised for invading W privacy, we discussed it and we move on. Although I think this will remain a big issue for W. That backslide could have cost me dear, maybe 2 months ago it would have, but I'm still in the game, still in the game and fighting for my M.


If anyone had seen this level of progress in there sitch but haven't yet reach the point where they can move to piecing, please share your experiences with me.

[Lanzo]

Five post in a row without feedback. Bump. Sorry to pester but I need some word of affirmation.

[GFI]

Hi Lan

Like many others I expect I keep checking in on your sitch.

My gut feeling is to spend some more time dwelling on those positives without pushing too much - IMO there's a lot of really good stuff there and some consolidation time might be useful.

Best - GFI

[Lanzo]

Thanks GFI,

I know there are people following my sitch but I just need to hear from someone occasionally to confirm I'm on the right path. To be honest I need to hear something everyday, but occasionally will do. For example I was gonna start pushing for R talks, but just a little comment like have you just made helps me realign my focus and now I'll back off.(please explain consolidation time for me). Also I guess this is another reason I snooped over xmas, I wasn't sure I was going in the right direction and not much BB feedback. Plus W was being moody so I thought her comment of OM being done was untrue. I mean her cell phone is locked, I know I can't get into it but I tried. I think a combination of boredom and daring had gotton to me.


Last night when W got into bed she made some small talk and actually lay facing me. But for me, asking for a hug and being turned down at New Year I wasn't going to suggest anything but I honestly thought she was going hug me. Alas it didn't happen.

The positive thing is she's stopped with "the Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed".


So anyone following my sitch it's ok to throw in your 2 pennies worth occasionally.

Thanks

[GFI]

Hi Lan, all IMO,

By consolidation, I meant give your W time to get used to the positives that you have articulated, try them on for size if you like. I think you should be careful not to let things slip though or get too comfortable - you need to keep your DBing wits about you but not push things too much. I think you'd benefit from having her become comfortable with the positives, enough to like them and value them before looking to make more progress.

Perhaps give yourself an aim - to keep up the positives till say end of next week and then re-evaluate. That way you still have something to work on but not in a way that may compromise the ground you've gained so far.

Best - GFI

[Lanzo]

Hi GFI,

I'm at a point where I have survived the bomb, I have withstood W's intense anger, and believe me she was angry with me. Angry with me for HER PA, angry with me because I moved out for 2 months, angry with me because I moved into the spare room when I came home, angry with me for just about anything that was wrong in the world.

Since then I've worked hard and the anger has died down. I can see all these positive changes and I have been looking for guidance on how to use them wisely without blowing things. That's why I'm trying to talk to people who are past the initial shock and panic stage and have moved a similar distance to what I have.

The dilemma I have now is I know W happy is for me to do the talking to convince her the M is worth saving, even though we've both said it's done. (My little 180 about the "M is over" got noticed) But she isn't saying or giving any signs to convince or reassure me that she wants to work on the M. This leads me to think I need to push, but DB principles say wait until she comes round in her own time. But I don't want to wait in limbo for ever not knowing where she's at. OK, I'll answer my own statement now, Time is on my side, be patient, GAL etc.

Also if I look at W she isn't exactly running from me now so I know my chances are better than zero. Knowing what W is like, at this moment she is happy to do family stuff with me, but a physical relationship is miles off until a lot of our deeper issues are resolved ,but she isn't moving towards resolving any of these. Me like most men could handle some physical stuff while working on the M.

So I still have a lot of things going round in my head but I think at this moment in time I have to wait, which is even more reason why I need feedback to what I'm posting.

With that said.

Yours or any feedback is greatly appreciated.