Another "Late Night Freak-Out" post. Feel free to ignore if you want. I'm posting here because everyone I know is asleep (incld.online friends) . . .
Oh bloody hell I'm so messed up.
Whenever I'm in a quiet time alone (like now, bedroom, at home, before bed) I feel so f**king alone I think I must be unwell.
And, numerous times a day, "self destructive" (s-word) thoughts bebop through my head. Nothing I'd act on (oh, it'd f**k up my parents way, way too much and I've got this fear of Hell), but I won't deny that they bounce in and out.
I was definately using W as a sanity/anti-depression bouy. I relied on her too much to make my "happy" in some way. or I at least used her to shield the worst of something.
Hell. I dunno. I'm not going to actually do anything, but these thoughts popping into my head more than a dozen times a day are scary.
I realize that I desperately crave human contact. I don't want to be alone. But the second i part from that, everything seems hollow. Last night i went to a local pub for some food and a beer - we parted at their apartment (a block from mine) and 20 feet after I'd gotten past where they live -- BAM! depression came rolling back in, even though I'd been having a perfectly fun time with them.
And why the hell do all these "relelations" come late at night, not when I'm in my therapist's office, or somewhere where these thoughts will help?
...further, hell, why am I scared to bring things up like this in person with someone, but OK with posting it here on this forum? Where I've subjected too many people who read my threads to these f**king-emo postings where it looks like I don't want ot help myself?
