Lissie, Always great to her from you. Thanks for stopping by!
CL, You make all very valid points (as usual). My H actually has been doing everything I've asked. There was a time when he wasn't, but now he is. He calls when he's going to be late. He leaves his cell phone out in the open (most of the time), he shows affection, etc... But my brain still goes to those dark places. If I DON'T see his cell phone out in the open, I wonder where it is. If he isnt' affectionate with me, I wonder why. If I try to call him during his lunch break and he doesn't answer, I wonder where he is.
So, at this point, I do think a lot of this is my issue. And I know that these thoughts are potentially destructive. My H has always had a problem with lying. So among all the other marital stuff we're working on, the honest thing is at the top of the list. And it's been getting better. He is more honest with me about things that he would have lied about before (i.e. betting on a game, etc...).
And as for my thoughts being "future-oriented" you're dead on. I have ALWAYS had a problem with anticipation anxiety. I am working on it. But I do worry about the future. I look for guarantees in life, which of course there are none.
Now, onto my update for the past week or so...
Christmas was very nice. Then on Thursday, we took the kids up to the Catskills to go tubing. On the way up, I was thinking how I was feeling disconnected. Then I decided not to say something (despite my strong urge to). So, we just enjoyed spending time together as a family. We came home yesterday. And at one point, somethign came up about my brother which is a touch subject for me (another post for another time). And I felt myself getting angry at something H said and I was SO close to starting an arguement over it. I stopped myslef and bit my tongue. I'm so glad I did.
Later last night, my kids went to stay with my parents. H and I were getting ready to go otu with some friends. As soon as I got back from dropping off the kids, H initiated ML. This is always my gauage for if H is feeling connected to me. So, after that, we listened to the URI game, then went out to dinner. Stayed in bed this morning. And I feel like we're back on track now.
SO, there were like 4 times over the past few days when I almost initiated talk, and I'm glad I didn't. Instead, I tried to turn things around with my actions.
I need to work on so many things. But I do still feel good about the progress I've made over the past few years. As long as I can remember that I am a work in progress and I am learning everyday.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Your thread is locked. I think you should DEFINATELY get into counseling. You have trouble holding people accountable, a C can give you very clear guidance. And you said yourself that this is a problem you have with your kids as well. I have spoken to my C about how to discipline my kids and how to get through to them. She really helped me. She gave me clear direction on this. Anyway, start a new thread, chiquita!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Thanks for your counsel Peaceful. I will think about seeing my C again when things settle down...we're taking the kiddos on a quick vacation with my family this weekend, so I've got to get that out of the way before I get anything set. I've got loads of reading to do too, including a book on boundaries.
Yesterday was H's birthday. I really went out of my way for him yesterday, and I think he appreciated it.
Because it was his birtyday, I wondered all day if OW TMd him to wish him happy birthday, as has happened in the past. BUT, I did not snoop. I chose not to. Instead, I chose to make it a good birthday for him. We had a nice day with the kids. Then a nice NYE night with the kids. I DID NOT look at his cell phone.
On another topic, H missed his C session last week because we went away. Anyway, I mentioned to him today that I'd like to go see his C sometime over the next week or so. He said that was fine. His C likes to involve the spouse from time to time to get the family perspective of the progress of her clients. So, that's what I'm going to do.
Anyway, I continue to work on 180s. I continue to try to think things through before saying them (although, I'm not always successful at this). I continue to work on strengthening my faith. And I continue to focus on me and what will make me a happy person.
Tomorrow, I start my permanent stint at my job. I was laid off from my full time job over a year ago. Then last April, my job called and asked me to come back on a consulting basis 3 days a week. They just make it a permanent arrangement, effective tomorrow. So, I will continue to focus on sustaining my 3-day schedule and build my consulting business on the side. I also continue to focus on enjoying my time with my kids. They are 3 and almost 5 and I know I need to savor this time with them. And oh yeah... I need to lose a good 5 to 10 lbs. A year ago, i was so skinny I looked sick. Now, I'm going in the opposite direction FAST.
Anyway... just jotting down my random thoughts. You all continue to inspire me to be a better person. So, than you and please keep the support coming!
Happy New Year!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Wow, I'm so proud of you for your victory over the negative compulsions! I think your strategy of thinking things through before saying them is very wise, and congrats on your job!
PS, Good for you. Keep up the practice. Keep being mindful of your thoughts, words, and actions. Providing a happy birthday for your H was generous and compassionate of you.
Good things will come to you as you continue to cultivate the positives.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
and had a good time. Best of luck at your "new" job, glad to know you are doing great))))
Bleh!