respond or stay still?

[heartbreak2]

it was a really weird feeling just can't explain it.

at one point I started running negative thoughts through
my head when the kids were at his condo.
Like all the lies and stuff... sort of like my validating
why he can't come back... but yet.. I will take him back.

just an odd place to be at.

I worked outdoors and once the rain started I came in and worked on
drawing out my new gardens and looking up plants and making a dream list of what I would like.

now waiting for some of the online nurseries to have sales !

the widow across the st. brought me a bottle of wine and thanked me for all the stuff i do for her and just for being here.
The only neighbor that has looked out for me.
She invited me to dinner last Sat. when he kids were all here.
It was nice to be around a lot of happy people.

ok tonight I am going to make a list of things that NEED to be done here before d comes back with the girl she is visiting.
D's 18th bday is in 16 days and well... need to get this place looking better. I gave up on it for too long now. Time for more change.. time to make this my house with what I want in it.
no one to tell me no.

what is so unexplainable is the up and down i am feeling now. I get days and days of feeling good about me and focused and moving forward and getting things done yet the rug gets pulled out from under me for no reason at all sometimes and I don't want to do a thing.

part of me has started to wonder if he might pull back from D again? if he wanted out so bad then why did he put it on hold so that we can do the settlement. Then why has he given me most everything I want. I am serious here... he is paying big time alimony and then agreed to give me 10% of his net job related earnings for life after the 10 yr alimony is up.

initially his L was totally against all of this. So why did he agree to it ??

oh wait... guilt..???

I have stayed with no visual contact with him and only txting or emailing if I have to. But last wk I did have to call him a couple times and he answered every time which is unheard of. He always lets it go to VM.

he wrote me a prescription for antibiotics because my dr. was on vacation and I had a bad sinus infec. was the first time I had asked him to do anything for me but I was sick and took a chance.