Did I Screw Up?

[SueS]

Yoyo-

I do have to agree. I just wish he would have let me know before I was 40 yrs old and had vested 17 years into a man that now loves someone else.

I guess he did it so I'd be blessed with the miracle of D3. I agree with people that told me that I'd never know true love until I had a child.

Sue

[Ohio_Mark]

Thanks Ohio Mark. I enjoyed a nice audible laugh with your alien spew comment.

I have always tried to provide levity in the face of disaster.... coping mechanism, if nothing else....

Glad to help make you smile!!

[Yoyowife]

Sues,
I couldn't agree more with you... It's been 25 years of my life...4 years dating and 21 years of marriage, but I got two wonderful daughters out of it.

[Jen1967]

SueS, I have often wondered if H has been so unhappy for solong as he says, then why did he wait till I quit my job and I had our 2nd child? But then I realize I wouldn't have my little boy, who is a joy, if he had left before that. And I was meant to have him.

[Yoyowife]

Thanks Ohio Mark. I enjoyed a nice audible laugh with your alien spew comment.

I have always tried to provide levity in the face of disaster.... coping mechanism, if nothing else....

Glad to help make you smile!!

Mark is right, laughter is the best medicene. Many times I have come on here all down and these wonderful people manage to bring a smile to my face.

[Jen1967]

I need goals. I feel like I'm floundering now. I need to somehow focus on something other than him. Even when I go out with people I talk about him or think about us, etc. I need to GAL somehow, not just act like I have a life.

[Jen1967]

Should I mention to H the letter I received from his L saying his client has no desire to reconcile?

[Yoyowife]

I don't think I would bring it up. Remember no talk about relationship. It just gets them all defensive until they are ready to talk about it on their own.

[Jen1967]

OK. Thanks yoyo. (I keep picturing yoko ono with your name. Can't help it.)

[Jen1967]

OK, So H shows up this morning all pissy because of the email I sent him saying I wanted him to take the kids today. I said it nicely, and we had discussed it at Thursday's dinner. I said this morning when he showed up and I had kids on front porch ready to go (he usually comes in), "Did you get a crib?" He: "No! When did I have time???" (he took off from work and went out to a sports bar with her Friday night)Then he said, "Were we even at the same dinner the other night??? I TOLD YOU I don't like you wearing the pants in the house! And you go and send me an email saying to take the kids today!!" I was like, "Uh, we talked about it a little in the car that night and you asked if it would help me to do that, and I said I'd think about it. So, my email was saying that's what I'd like."

He acted like a spoiled baby. But he came on time and called like I asked when the 2 yr old asked for mama. He said the baby didn't nap because he tried to lay down on a bed with him. I can imagine that scene. So when he arrived tonight at 6:15 the baby's diaper was soaked through the jeans (like last time), but otherwise happy. H actually did a good job. I was proud of him for trying and making the kids happy. He actually bought a highchair he said and sippies and blankets and stuff. Sad for me, but who knows, maybe this will wake him up.

Then D8 says, "Mommy, can I sleep over with daddy? He says it's ok." See, he always does this, takes D8 and not S2. I go, "I guess it will be ok this time." H looks confused and says, "Why 'you guess?'" I go, "Because eventually when S2 gets used to sleeping over I'd like it to be either both or neither of them." Then he goes, "Why?" Then the clincher: I go, "Because that's what it says in the custody agreement." Youch!!! It was very hard to say, but he sent the papers and he told me he doesn't need me and won't stop seeing OW, so I'm acting as if I'm movin' on! You should have seen his face. He goes, "O...K..." He acutally looked scared. I'm so afraid this is pushing him away moer, but I don't know what else to do at this point.

Then I said, "So, are you taking them again tomorrow?" He goes, "Uh, I'll have to think about it." Me: "Then D8 will come back in the morning?" He: "Just tell me what you want and I'll do it." Me: "I don't want you upset like this morning. I'm trying to have a conversation about it." He: "Tell me the time." Me: "I'd like you to try it until 6 pm again." He: "OK, How about this: Can I bring D8 back at 9 am, then trade cars with you (I have a van) and take the kids to IKEA to get a crib, then go to apt and put it together, keep them through nap time, then bring them and van back at 6 pm?" I said, "Sounds good to me."

Later I said after he made himself comfortable on couch (didn't want to leave): "I'd eventually like us to work to the Friday at 6 pm until Sunday at 6 pm thing." He didn't look at me, looked hurt? and said, "OK." Then later, quietly, he said, "So, I won't see them again until 2 weeks from now?" I go, "That's what I was thinking. What do you think? I want you to be ok with it." He looks away and says, "I thought the custody thing was just a guideline for us to work off of." (He sent the darn papers!!) I go, well the other night you said you missed the kids (implied statement: and not me) so I thought this would give you time with them and I could have time to work." He looks away. He says, "It seems this is what you want." Me: " I just thought we had talked about it." I said, "So, are you ok with it?" He says, "I'm ok with it." He looked scared.


Later, He: "So, did it help out today for you? Did you have time for yourself?" Me: "Yes, it did." I didn't take the bait. I didn't tell him what I did. But my fingernails were now painted red.

My goal is to force him into reality from his freewheelin' life. I hope it doesn't backfire on me. I wonder what my phone coach would say.