Decide what are the deal breakers...so get the important things sorted at the beginning.
I have to agree. I have never officially pieced (did a few years ago before I knew anything about DB). The deal breakers will be key to determining if YOU can accept W back in your life and if she can handle your expectations. It's not making demands, it's plainly stating what you can and cannot accept.
I'm not sure what would be the best approach to getting it plainly stated though. I am sure you DON'T want to give her a list and say "can you live up to this?" Probably best to cover it through open discussion.
Latest Thread
Me: 39/W: 37 D13-D11-S8 M/T 14/20
EA confirmed: 9/13/07 D-Bomb: 9/19/07 OM Gone since 12/18/07 W wants to fix marriage: 3/16/07
How was the sledding with your D? My D is Vermont with a friend and her family this week. Went snowboarding yesterday for the first time. She texted me today complaining about how sore she is! I bet! I wish I was with her. We've always been real close. So you talking of sledding with your D hits home with me. Hope you had some laughs ... threw a few snow balls.
We had a blast! Sledding always brings out the kid in me.
Had another rough day obsessing about W, havent spoken to her in 2 days so Im beginning to wonder if our meeting tomorrow is going to take place after all.
It seems like she dangles the carrot for me and then gets her security knowing I still care then she backs off and lives it up with OM. When I detach again, here she comes again.
I know I need to recognize these patterns and not get sucked into them. Everytime she expresses interest, I get my hopes up so high and then I get hurt all over again.
It seems like it would almost be easier to tell her I cant wait any longer and to not text/IM/call me unless its about our daughter. At least when I dont speak to her, I start to move on but everytime she contacts me, the clock starts all over again.
H4C
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Still no contact from W... Im beginning to think she just wanted the reassurance that I still care (Ive been dark for a while).
She acts like she misses me, gets her reassurance and then runs off to the hills again. When that happens, my detachment goes back to zero. I have to start all over again from the beginning.
I know I need to learn to not get too excited when she expresses interest, this sucks.
Ive also been having a hard time staying asleep again, keep waking up with anxiety.
I think Im really going to try and stop idealizing our relationship and try and focus on the negative things that have happened. Try to view her in a different light. Lately all Ive been thinking about are all the good times, the way she smells, sitting next to her in church, hugging her.
We're supposed to be meeting today to discuss us, Im really not sure if she will even contact me today at all. I will not contact her.
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
I think Im really going to try and stop idealizing our relationship and try and focus on the negative things that have happened. Try to view her in a different light.
When I do this, it helps me detach, kind of remove emotion from the situation. It might be good for you to step back a bit from the situation before you talk with her.
I have NO idea how healthy this is, but whenever I feel like I am getting close to H, I will picture negative things, try to remember the things he has done/said to me. Like I said, I have no idea if I should be doing this, but I do.
SO it looks like our meeting to discuss us isnt going to happen. Its now 4pm and she still hasnt called. I feel hurt all over again.
I really think she just likes to play with my head for reassurance that Im still around.
Its really weird, everytime I start to detach and havent had contact with her for several days, she texts me and says she cant stop thinking about me. Everytime I feel like Im gaining confidence, she shows up and resets me back to zero.
Its coming to the point that I might have to tell her to leave me alone once and for all so I can heal, but I still love her and I would love to discuss our chances of reconciliation.
Any suggestions?
Hurtin: 32 WAW: 30 D: 8 Bomb: 10/05 Sep: 12/05 Back together 8/07 Bomb (OM): 11/07 Filed for D (me): 12/07
Hurtin, So sorry... who knows why she didn't call. Perhaps she got cold feet/nervous, or perhaps she's confused herself. I think the D papers really got her thinking.
Others here may have a different opinion, but I would pull away from her more ... really detach. You said yourself that you gain confidence when you do that. Draw an imaginary force field between yourself and her and don't let her cross it. Don't let her play with your feelings/emotions. You even want to ask her not to text you (unless it's about your D). Or just ignore those messages. Go dark.
Sit tight for a couple of weeks and build up your emotional/mental strength. If she gets really serious about discussing reconciliation at least by then you'll feel stronger, and you'll give her time to mull over things, too. Let her get desperate.
