It has been a while since I have posted. I am keeping so busy no time for the computer some days which is a good thing.
No contact with H other than a few phone calls about an injured child and txt msg asking him to talk about party details for d's 18th bday in a few wks.
saw him for 30 sec. at his offfice on Mon. had to bring d's SAT scores to fax to college for the collgeboard failed to send them when she took the SAT. He walked in said hi asked if his secretary did it and I said yes. I told him he looked tired and asked what happened to his eye. He answered broken blood vessel and walked away.
so life still goes on and it is ok. I one of the best weekends I have had in a long time and this so far is an ok wk.
d had a meltdown this morning and that is what brings me here.
she is worried about H and misses him suddenly. she said I don't want to come home for it is only you here. then told me he talked to her last weekend and told her he is so sad etc etc and that he is not sure why he is living.
bells and whistles started going off in my head here people....
is he hitting bottom?? can't talk to me for he is still in withdrawal and lost and depressed?
how do I handle him at this point?
I sent him a Christmas card to his condo with a picture of the 3 of us that the kids and I sent out in cards this yr. Yes indeed we took a picture and sent cards... that is a huge step for me to announce my kids and I to the world I thought.
I also sent him an insert that I gave a gift of feeding a family of 4 for a month in his name to food for the poor. I support them regularly and at Christmas I decided this yr I decided that the kids would send this type of gift to their Grandfather who does not acknowledge them but once a yr with a $50 ck. made out by his new wife.
So I did give him his Christmas gift the day we met to discuss the settlement on dec. 8th. and a note with it. He has gone silent since then but for one time to yell at me on the phone about the settlement and I told him that I would have my L deal with it. nothing from him since but one email telling me he sent the info to his L. That was a wk ago so I keep waiting now for a call from my L saying he rec'd it.
so in my heart I feel he can't do this for he still has feelings in there somewhere. but it is so hard to hold on yet keep looking forward and stepping one foot in front of the other some days.
how do I deal with knowing he is sad and depressed and feels like his life is not living?????
thanks
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
how do I deal with knowing he is sad and depressed and feels like his life is not living
You keep your expectations below zero. It is him who has to deal with it not you. Yes I know you want him back (I yearn for my H more with each passing day) but you can't heal him only he can do that for himself. All you can do is be there for him should he call on your help (and I truely hope he does).
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
great to hear from you hope you are doing well. I took a break here and refocused and regrouped and seem to be better.
I saw him last night for the first time in wks. He came to hang out with d for she left today for a 10 day trip and she did not want to go out to dinner with him.
I believe I might have mastered the act as if for I was in the living room going through a plant catalog taking notes and watching a movie when he got here and he came in to see me and say hi. I was nice talked about d's trip. Offered him dessert when I was on my way past family room and he declined. I didn't say a word. he was playing a game with the kids. I was back in living room when he left and he came to say goodbye. I said goodbye told him that I hoped he had a good day tomorrow.
he has not been here this yr at all with the house decorated.
he looks sad but he has to work through this
he spent Christmas eve with friends and someone's mother. but at 10:30 he sent s a txt msg. goodnight..?? the kids and I were at church so he did not get it until later.
Christmas day i did not call him this yr. he did not call me either. At 3pm I sent him a txt msg. all it said was. Merry Christmas. immed. I got one back like 30 sec. later. same to u.
so he was alone? he spent time with the kids at his condo and they ate and played WI which he really liked had never played before.
d told me he had lots of beer in fridge and that bothered her. TV dinners in freezer. Boxes of cereal and his stuff is all over. so she thinks he is living there.
I am in redecorating mode..... painting tonight !!
I have a weird feeling inside at times that he might be having second thoughts again. Last week I had 3 different dreams with him in it. that is odd for I never dream of him.
the last time I dreamed of him was a few wks before we he wanted to come home.
no word about the D since dec.12th. but I have a feeling the week after New Years I will hear from my L that his L has finally gotten the paperwork together.
off to paint !!
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
ok... my FIL and his new wife who is 22 yrs younger than him have not spoken to me in 2 yrs and today I rec'd a Christmas card from them. With pictures of the 2 of them on their cruise to alaska last summer.
not sure what to think? for they sent the kids cards and cks for Christmas wks ago.
My FIL spoke to d on Christmas and asked her if I was ok and the kids and I were doing ok. She said he seemed genuinely concerned.
very strange when he is with OW I don't think about him when there is a posability that he is not with her I can't stop wondering and thinking about him.
focus... need to stay focused !
bought new nailpolish today and some tulip bulbs. I am going to redesign my front garden this spring and I am determined to have a paradise for my yard.
My tutoring job is not working out so that has me down this week. It was one of the few really rewarding things that I have been doing for the last 4 months.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
the weather is insane for I went to bed it was 35 degrees and it is 70 out there right now....!
going out before it rains plant my new bulbs, rake up the mess from the wind and get some inspiration.
being outside gives me the strength to keep going some days.
way to quiet in the house today
my d's cat has decided I am her new mother since my dog is gone. she is sitting on my lap right now sleeping and purring. This is her new daily routine when I sit down in this chair.
I made it through Christmas with out seeing him or talking to him. This was the first holiday to do that. I realized that all the holidays for the last yr I have given in and talked to him or had him for dinner. This was the first time in 26 yrs not together.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
it was a really weird feeling just can't explain it.
at one point I started running negative thoughts through my head when the kids were at his condo. Like all the lies and stuff... sort of like my validating why he can't come back... but yet.. I will take him back.
just an odd place to be at.
I worked outdoors and once the rain started I came in and worked on drawing out my new gardens and looking up plants and making a dream list of what I would like.
now waiting for some of the online nurseries to have sales !
the widow across the st. brought me a bottle of wine and thanked me for all the stuff i do for her and just for being here. The only neighbor that has looked out for me. She invited me to dinner last Sat. when he kids were all here. It was nice to be around a lot of happy people.
ok tonight I am going to make a list of things that NEED to be done here before d comes back with the girl she is visiting. D's 18th bday is in 16 days and well... need to get this place looking better. I gave up on it for too long now. Time for more change.. time to make this my house with what I want in it. no one to tell me no.
what is so unexplainable is the up and down i am feeling now. I get days and days of feeling good about me and focused and moving forward and getting things done yet the rug gets pulled out from under me for no reason at all sometimes and I don't want to do a thing.
part of me has started to wonder if he might pull back from D again? if he wanted out so bad then why did he put it on hold so that we can do the settlement. Then why has he given me most everything I want. I am serious here... he is paying big time alimony and then agreed to give me 10% of his net job related earnings for life after the 10 yr alimony is up.
initially his L was totally against all of this. So why did he agree to it ??
oh wait... guilt..???
I have stayed with no visual contact with him and only txting or emailing if I have to. But last wk I did have to call him a couple times and he answered every time which is unheard of. He always lets it go to VM.
he wrote me a prescription for antibiotics because my dr. was on vacation and I had a bad sinus infec. was the first time I had asked him to do anything for me but I was sick and took a chance.
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
at times I am at total peace with myself and actually have thoughts of things I want to do and they don't include H at all.
have tons of ideas running through my head lately of things to do in the house and projects I want to start and I want to paint again and need to find time and all my stuff that is packed away.
first I need to de-clutter my house and I believe I will be able to focus better.
stupid things keep getting lost like the bluetooth earpeace for the cell phone. I loaned it to s and now it is missing and I know I had it in my hand and took it from his car.... can't remember where I put it.
stuff like this keeps me spinning at times... that and I got locked out of my online bank acct and have no idea why..oh yeh... I changed the password when my book with all the passwords disappeared out of my desk... large brain malfunctions at times...!
I have gone almost 2 wks with out emailing H anything. have not seen or spoke to him in a week and sent only the happy new yr txt msg on new yrs.
he making no effort at all to be in contact with me again. so I feel a huge hardening area in my heart. I do not want to block him out but it is happening. I thought about it last night I have nothing I even want to say to him anymore.
this sort of scares me for am I giving up?
m24 yrs h 50 me 47 s 21 s 17 left 5-30-06, and 12-4-06 still gone.............
