New to Piecing -- again

[peaceful_spirit]

Lissie,
Always great to her from you. Thanks for stopping by!

CL,
You make all very valid points (as usual). My H actually has been doing everything I've asked. There was a time when he wasn't, but now he is. He calls when he's going to be late. He leaves his cell phone out in the open (most of the time), he shows affection, etc... But my brain still goes to those dark places. If I DON'T see his cell phone out in the open, I wonder where it is. If he isnt' affectionate with me, I wonder why. If I try to call him during his lunch break and he doesn't answer, I wonder where he is.

So, at this point, I do think a lot of this is my issue. And I know that these thoughts are potentially destructive. My H has always had a problem with lying. So among all the other marital stuff we're working on, the honest thing is at the top of the list. And it's been getting better. He is more honest with me about things that he would have lied about before (i.e. betting on a game, etc...).

And as for my thoughts being "future-oriented" you're dead on. I have ALWAYS had a problem with anticipation anxiety. I am working on it. But I do worry about the future. I look for guarantees in life, which of course there are none.

Now, onto my update for the past week or so...

Christmas was very nice. Then on Thursday, we took the kids up to the Catskills to go tubing. On the way up, I was thinking how I was feeling disconnected. Then I decided not to say something (despite my strong urge to). So, we just enjoyed spending time together as a family. We came home yesterday. And at one point, somethign came up about my brother which is a touch subject for me (another post for another time). And I felt myself getting angry at something H said and I was SO close to starting an arguement over it. I stopped myslef and bit my tongue. I'm so glad I did.

Later last night, my kids went to stay with my parents. H and I were getting ready to go otu with some friends. As soon as I got back from dropping off the kids, H initiated ML. This is always my gauage for if H is feeling connected to me. So, after that, we listened to the URI game, then went out to dinner. Stayed in bed this morning. And I feel like we're back on track now.

SO, there were like 4 times over the past few days when I almost initiated talk, and I'm glad I didn't. Instead, I tried to turn things around with my actions.

I need to work on so many things. But I do still feel good about the progress I've made over the past few years. As long as I can remember that I am a work in progress and I am learning everyday.