Why do you bother? It would probably be easier to cut the rope, run, and start over with someone new. Think about what you want and why you want it, and then you'll know if it will be worth the bother.
I agree that it is incredibly hard to have no expectations or not to get excited when your H seems loving and attentive. I have no idea how to do it myself. It's the hopefulness that keeps me going, the positive signs that make me feel like it will be OK.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
Sorry, forgot to ask: How do you keep DR and other books hidden? I feel like I am sneaking porn when I read them. I would freak out if my H knew that I was purposely acting as if and all the other stuff. It would completely blow my cover and cause more problems, I think. I have the books in my closet, tucked away--but I am completely paranoid that H or my kids will find them.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
My H doesn't live here so when he comes to the house he rarely goes upstairs to my (our) bedroom. I ordered the books on line and they came in a large envelope. So, I keep them in that on the floor between the bed and night stand.
My kids have seen me reading the book-but they are little yet, D7,D11 and have not said anything. When they come into my room while I am reading, I always put it down.
Sometimes I think that i WANT him to see what I am reading so that he knows that I am still trying. I told him the other day (Christmas when we had our big talk-see above) that I read all of the time. I try to learn as much as possible about what helps couples in crisis. Of course he didn't have any comment. If he saw it-what problem would it cause?
Me:45 H: 45 M: 14 yrs T: 16 yrs D's: 7/11 Bomb: June '07 Moved out: Sept.'07
I told him the other day (Christmas when we had our big talk-see above) that I read all of the time. I try to learn as much as possible about what helps couples in crisis. Of course he didn't have any comment.
Yes, of course. And that tells you where his head is.
Quote:
If he saw it-what problem would it cause?
I don't know. I don't know that it would cause a problem. I really don't think it is worth the effort to try and figure it out if it does. This room is your domain and you are free to do as you choose there.
Back to couples in crisis. W when I moved into my current place (as opposed to my first place which led to my name, inmyplace) I had a banana box filled with relationship and couples in crisis books. They had been in storage for a couple of years due to my living situation. I tossed them realizing that I spent so much time with those book but not enough time really finding out the problem. (I read a book called separate to save your marriage or some such thing. Probably works in some cases, not mine) And the problem always lies within. I do however understand that you are 6 months into this and are still reeling. It is tough.
My suggestion thought is pretty simple. Don't spend so much time reading. Get an understanding. If you think MLC applies, find out what it is by reading Conway. But I always came back to Divorce Busting and still do for thinking in matters unrelated to intimate relationships. Example. If your relationship with a boss or a coworker that isn't what you want it to be, change your approach in dealing with that boss or coworker, i.e. do something different. And since the name of this board is Divorce Busting and is here because the book was written, that seems to be the way to go. Sometimes too much informations garbles the message. (I learned that by reading a scholarly article by an MIT economics professor.)
But the real key in all of this is you. DB tells us we can't control another. DB tells us that we can only do things which we control. DB tells us to see where we need to change (because we can't make others change). But DB also tells us to seek out destructive patterns as well as patterns that work. We have to change because what got us to this board obviously didn't work as we intended.
A couple other books I recommend. * There is a Spiritual Solutions to Every Problem by Wayne Dyer. * Excuse Me, your Life Is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn * Today Matters and thinking For a Change by John Maxwell
These books will pull you out of that relation ship focus and look at the greater picture of your life. And to be honest, these books back up what I read in Divorce Busting in one way or another.
Finally, dating. If you want to date, that is ok. Just go out and get that divorce first. But seriously, your state of mind will show. If the man is decent, he will say thank you for a lovely evening and never call back. If the man is not decent, he will try and get in your pants or let you get in his. However, you are here and do want to save your marriage so don't. Also, if your husband did notice that, perhaps it would just drive him further away.
All in all, be true to yourself. If you can identify patterns that are destructive to your relationships, change them. If you have things that woerk stick with them. And by all means, do what Michele says and make yourself happy. What do you want to do for you. That is extremely important. Things we do for others, do not stick. Things we do for ourselves, do stick.
(Pease note how little I actually thought about your h in all of this. This is about you.)
You know - my therapist told me to ditch the books - it helped. You get too much conflicting advice and at the end of the day it is ALL about you. My therapist, (who is a cognitive behavioural therapist) helped me more than any book, (and more than any pills). Everything we did was based around me - what made me behave the way I did in certain circumstances - were my assumtions correct,could other interpretations be placed upon things, was I projecting my views / behaviours on others or judging others because they didn't act how I either wanted them to or expected them to. It was extremely enlightening and I use these lessons EVERY day.
Good luck
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
