Yeah, there's a lot of people telling my WAW the same thing, but it's not what she wants to hear. She probably sees it as control and people TELLING her what to do, which is exactly what she does not want right now, even if she believes them.
Let's just hope it sinks through at some level at least.
Your situation is tough on this. Is she stalling, inactive, or doing something on her end of the D stuff? I'm not sure if you're not talking about it together, or not talking about it at all.
Me:37 WAW:35 M:10 T:15 Ds:9, 5 She Dropped Bomb:9/02/07 Both still at home
I got papers on 11/19. We met to talk about them on 11/28. Since, then she just throws it in my face about me talking to my attorney. She said she would meet to talk about them again three weeks ago and I told her that the last time we talked but of course no calls. She is not doing anything except I suppose trying to control me. So, I'd say more inactive than anything. She has a relative that can finance the untrue fault papers, but I do not think she will just burn money. So, she really has two reasonable choices...1) try to work on R(not likely at moment) or 2) work with me hoping I'll sign something. If all I am asking for is equal time with 5D, I just do not see why she would not do that if she really really wants a D. Of course this could be more control...wants 5D and her cake and ice cream to boot.
Sure do wish I could just remain dark and let time go by...I just do not see how I can avoid contacting her so as to not slip into a worse sitch. If I do nothing, WAW will perceive it as more of the same. Need to do something...just do not know what.
Well, she's not going to get everything she wants, that's just not realistic. She'll realize that in time, and that might work in your favor.
If she's not pushing hard on the divorce, maybe it's more of a statement than an action. I have heard of a few on this board who only started to see real hope and reconsidering AFTER the papers were filed. I'd like to think that's where you are...
Me:37 WAW:35 M:10 T:15 Ds:9, 5 She Dropped Bomb:9/02/07 Both still at home
I'd like to think that too. I always banked on the thought that after she put every bill in her name, got different car, and drew up these papers then all of her anger would be released. In part that is true. She rarely contacts me and has only brought up lawyer two or three times since 11/28. But with her calling her attorney to find out if I have done something perhaps I need to do something. I just do not see how I can avoid talking to her about it unless I send one page of changes, plus conditions before I will sign, by fax from my attorney to her attorney that she will easily agree to except the conditions before signing. It shows some some action but does not get into matters she will definitely disagree about. It will also keep her attorney busy awhile. Then I could remain dark knowing I have done something.
She is still calling lawyer. I could contact her regarding what I am doing. What if she is having an EA...do I ask...confront or just ignore it? I ask this because their is no reason she should be contacting her boss during a two week vacation.
Well, I called her and left message on cell phone. I said I needed to talk to her a moment, talk to you later...bye. My thinking is if I address lawyer thing this would be better than doing nothing. Especially since my lawyer is apparently not going to return my calls
We are playing phone tag now...she is it. She sent me a voice mail returning my call. I am just going to tell her I am trying to contact lawyer to send some things. If she asks what I will say what changes and may mention about a condition of me signing. I then may tell her about my vehicle in the shop and will cost a lot more than I thought and would like to meet regarding other details. Don't think this is saying or asking to much. She was very pleasant replying to message...I guess that is a positive.
Well, WAW and I talked. I told her that I wanted to let her know that I was trying to contact my attorney I sending few changes and my 1st condition to signing to her attorney but she has yet to return my three calls. She said something to the effect of it hardly matters. Which tells me that it doesn't really matter what I do. She wants what she wants. I think she knows she is stuck. I do not believe this is some sort of I've already filed fault crap.
Anyhow, I then said I need 5D dressed to do something outside at 9:00am when I pick her up. WAW apparently just completely ignores what we had agreed on. She thought she was getting 5D for another 4 day rotation, which would be like 8 days to my two and got angry about it. I just said it was unfair and finally was able to illustrate it after she started counting the days. Although, she was most aggravated about it, she said she would have 5D ready to do something outside at 9:00am.
So, a few positives, 1) she talked 2) a noted change in her behavior, when she gets really angry and starts talking over me, she was hanging up on me. Now, she does not. This is at least a change. 3) Brief attorney talk. This should validate her choice. Even though I don't want it, I am doing something. 4) From a fairness point of view, she relent on 5D schedule. This could be bad but at least I was able to point out that it was not fair and she changed her tune. 5) From a communication point of view, we worked out 5D schedule. We actually solved a problem.
Negatives 1) Almost lost it when discussing 5D. Mentioning fairness calmed me down. I guess this is really a positive but I did almost get angry. 2) She was most aggravated. Knew conversation wasn't going to be to pleasant when I asked how is your day and she said something like "why".
Undecided 1) Her comment about me sending stuff to her attorney...something to the effect of it does not even matter. This like I said could be really bad or just mean that she will not consider anything except getting it all and having her cake and ice cream to boot. It might just illustrate her confused state. It also might mean the moon is made of cheese...who knows.
Decided 1) Now, I know I can leave her alone for as long as necessary. I do not have a reason now to contact her. 5D schedule set and I do not need to fear lawyer crap over my period of darkness. Thus, I can do for 5D and myself. GAL and PMA. I hope this darkness knocks the anger and fight right out of her. She really just doesn't have a reason to be this way.
Once again, sorry about the length, more of a journal I suppose...Insight of course always welcome...
I read some of your situation after what you wrote in trying's post. You situation is different in the fact that your W is still extremely angry and is not treating you fair. The only thing you can really do is try to control your anger and be as friendly as possible. Sometimes people get tired of being angry at someone that is being nothing, but nice to them. She also appears to be moving really fast with the D and everything. She has not even given herself time to get a grip on her anger. Try to not burn the bridge, but also do what is right for your Daughter this is one thing you have to fight. It seems like your W will probally not put down her guard until after a D, and after that who knows maybe then you will have more opportunities.
Me - 34 W - 33 S - 5 D - 4 M - 14 years Bomb 1 Dec 06 Bomb 2 Aug 07 Separated - Aug 07 WAW Renting own place - Dec 07
Yeah, she is extremely angry. And in trying sitch he is still at home, big difference. Her mother even told her months ago she is moving way to fast. I am very pleasant, calm, and never get angry when communicating with her despite her actions. My entire family and supportive friends now say to just be done with it and move on. But I do not want that. She cannot get a D without me signing so this is probably something that makes her even more angry. Regardless, I am going to do for 5D and I. I am thankful I can leave her alone for quite awhile. I am sick of feeling the way I do about her and then get stabbed again by her anger.
Going to get 5D in about 4 hours. Taking 5D roller skating in the park. Thought about asking to take the dog too. Of course, she will just get mad, but it's my dog too. Probably should not start something but ... it'll give her something to think about. Also, going to set-up 5D ballet/dance class and take 5D to LPC/LMFT. If nothing else, I am doing what is best for 5D.
