All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[Jen_Jam]

Hi E and hope Xmas was good under the circumstances

Your txt - seems fine to me, OK it hasn't got a reaction but in my case I found that I would say things to H, no reaction, then a while later (could be weeks, could be a couple of months) he would come out with more or less exactly what I'd said previously - I knew then he was absorbing what I'd said.

The D2 toilet tissue thing - it would make me mad too, I'd come out with a few "grrr's". it's Ok to feel angry/stressed etc, but it's how you deal with it that counts. OK, you like a tidy house, but do YOU think maybe you do stress over it a bit much? Has it caused any problems in the past? Would it hurt to let it all go for a day or two? I ask because I used to be very fussy over the house, I let that drop during the crisis but now I have reached a halfway house - I accept that I cannot keep it immaculate all the time, and I will dedicate a few hours to it at the weekend but if I don't finish everything I wanted I'll be Ok with that. I used to make long "to do" lists, and get upset if I didn't finish everything on it. I still make these lists, but now I divide them up into "things which have to be done" and "things which would be good to get done". But to sum up, if you feel that you are too stressy and it's having a negative reaction on those around you then yes, do something about it.

180's and depression. OK, 180s I did were:
old me - get upset about minor problems like H being late back from work
new me - understand sometimes busses are late, let it drop. I always think "if I fly off the handle, how will that help me get what I want?"
old me - didn't go out much, always wanted to save money
new me - I budget better and in my budget keep some money back to spend on nights out/fun stuff.
And one case in point I can think of - we switched mortgages earlier this year. H had to send off our marriage certificate to the lender by registered post. The lender called me and said they didn't have it. H was adament that he'd sent it. I was in the process of arranging a duplicate when H called and said he'd found the M certificate - he'd forgotten to send it. Old me would have shouted and told him how stupid he'd been. I remember clearly thinkin "here is a chance" and I took a breath, said it was good that the cert hadn't gone missing and alsed H to post it that day. H actually said he was expecting me to get angry and shout.

Depression - September 2006, we went to a festival and H really came out of his shell and enjoyed himself. He still hadn't told me ILY or said our problems were behind us. I felt really isolated .... I felt like he'd come out of his shell and he was starting to cure, but I was scared I'd be left behind. He'd spent summer 2006 being really low, then suddenly he was starting to look and behave more like his old self. But I got nothing out of this - a big fat zero. I felt like saying "I did all that work, you're now better and I still get nothing!". Also mixed up in this was feelings about my childhood - I was bullied a bit, then fell out big time with my parents, I felt lonely and unloved as a teenager, I was going about seeking approval and someone to love me, getting hurt when I felt that love was being withdrawn. I felt like sh*t. I had individual C sessions, spoke to H about my childhood and it helped he listened. I realised I didn't NEED anyone to love me as long as I loved myself.
Also here I wish i'd read the sticky at the top of the piecing borad - that when the WAS recommits, the LBS can feel like they are unsure about the whole thing. I've since realised this is quite common, and it's at that point when you realise when you were making changes and hoping WAS would notice and appreciate right away, that it takes time to feel changes stick. The WAS at recommital time is changing, it's hard to trust that they won't run off again.

Ok - doing what works. Seems H was angry that you don't answer the phone every time. Going dark is good advice but it doesn't always work. I think the best way to find what does work is set goals. Read the bit in the DR book in Step 5 Experiment and Monitor results, where it's headed "how can I tell if what I'm doing is working?". This is solid gold advice Also the bit after about the method backfiring - Michelle says it's comon for the was's initial reaction to be anger. I can't say for sure if going dark will or won't work for you, only you can decide on that, but setting goals helped me a GREAT deal. I would have very simple ones like "H will smile at me".

Well - phew! Sorry it's a little long. I hope all is going Ok and hang on in there - you seem to have the patience to go the distance on this, and believe me it will be a LONG distance. But all in all, so far things are looking positive at the moment, but be prepared for things to get worse before they get better.

Right - better go now, stomach rumbling so I'm off for a bacon buttie