The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[phbear316]

Hey Jenny

Just checking in on you, just to let you know i am thinking about you. Hope you are having a terrific time with your family.

phbear

[JennyF]

Thanks for checking up on me guys!

Well my brother, his wife and my nepehew left this morning. It was really great having them here for the last couple days. I haven't seen them since before S was born so it was great that they got to meet him finally.
My brother tried to call H to see if he could talk to him. H said he couldn't at the moment, but he'll be travelling to a city near theirs next week and he'll call him to get together. My brother just wants to talk to him to basically tell him he's got respect and and the kids in this process. I tried to talk to brother to let him know NOT to talk on my behalf and to not say anything that pertains to saving the M. He just wants to be a big brother to me and since H has no older male figures to tell him these things, my bro thinks it's his place.
Well, right or wrong, I'm grateful. I know my brother will be respectful and won't do anything to 'backslide' my efforts. Right now H couldn't be any more firm that it is over anyway.

SO, besides that I haven't really seen him since the day after boxing day when he dropped D off. He was in and out of here so quick he didn't come to see the baby. I think he wanted to get out before he could make eye contact with anyone in my family!

We're supposed to take D skating tomorrow...we'll see how that goes.

I'm over the sadness that the holidays brought, I think having my brother here helped with that. I'm ready to put my DB'ing face back on...no more tears in front of H...NONE! He doesn't deserve my tears any more and frankly, I'm tired of crying.

All I know is I'm exhausted from the last 5 days (physically and emotionally) and I need a rest. The house is a disaster...and I don't care! I'm going for a nap.
Hope everyone is doing ok.
J~

[sgctxok]

love the naps

[lizzy]

I'm glad you decided to nap. I'm sure the mess was there when you woke up unless a bunch of elves came in and cleaned up for you.

Congrats on making it through the holiday. I found that being w/ family made it easier. Now we are onto the new year. I am glad that H and I never really did anything for NE Eve. Now I won't be let down that I'll be home alone w/ Ds. I would love to go out, but all my friends are married. Anyway, start gearing up for that and know that the next year will be a better year for YOU! YOU are super and YOU will have a fabulous 2008.

[JennyF]

H came this morning to see the kids. He said he was going to come in the morning and showed up at 11:40...gee thanks.

I saw him yesterday too and it was hard. Hard because he is acting so normal. Having conversations, laughing about the kids, talking about mutual friends. It's so freakin' normal that it's killing me! Especially knowing he's now going away for two days with OW.

I'm starting to feel really angry with him about my situation. A person should not be parenting a 3 yr old and a newborn by themselves!! Not when there is a choice for it to be another way!
I still ask constantly how he can be ok with giving up a close R with his kids just for her?! He probably can't see it this way...hopefully in time.

Anyway, I'm going to try to use the comfort of our conversations to create a new friendship with H. It will be hard becuase deep down I just want to punch him in the nose...but I hope it works. That...and focusing on me.

J~

[blindsided1]

I'm glad to hear that you are staying calm even when you feel like strangling him. It would be hard for me to contain. It's funny that your H doesn't see this as a choice HE's made. My H last night told me that he was sorry he can't make my dream of a family come true. I told him that he needs to use the correct word, it's not that he CAN'T it's that he WON'T. He was quiet. It's strange how they don't see what they have done and probably don't take responsibility for it. I know my H doesn't try to take any responsibility for it. He acts like it was totally normal that he walked out.

Focus on you. Have a good day with your kids.

[JennyF]

I told him that he needs to use the correct word, it's not that he CAN'T it's that he WON'T.

This is SOOOOOO true. They are just taking the easy way out.
I'll use tgis one first chance I get blindsided!
Thanks.
J~

[lizzy]

Happy New Year Supermom! Hope all is going well. Remember to keep your expectations for H low!

How did the skating go w/ D the other day. My youngest is a figure skater and we spend a lot of time together at the rink. I know your H would probably spit at that, but at least they don't smell as bad as hockey players and they have better smiles.

[JennyF]

Lizzy...skating went well. D loved it! H's sisters were very skilled figure skaters. We're true Canadians and love our hockey...even girls hockey! We did get her hockey skates...and they look so cute on her.
You are right though...the odor is much better with the figure skaters!!
J~

[JennyF]

OK...IT'S OFFICIAL....2007 IS OVER!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
While I would love to have a do-over on 2007, there's no looking back. Onward and upward to 2008 an beyond!
That said...the last few days have been up and down. H went away for 2 days up North and although he never where or with who...it was assumed he was with OW. I know what all his other friends were doing and it wasn't going up North. It was hard knowing that...especially when I saw him today knowing that it is what he was returning from. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.

ANYWAY...the great news is that I had a really wonderful New Years Eve.
I went to my best friends house and spent the night with them and their kids. (they also have 2 kids, our oldest kids are 2 wks apart and our youngest are 1 month apart).
A few other friends showed up and we had a blast playing Guitar Hero and I finally got to idulge in a few glasses of wine! It was so nice to get out and have fun like that again. H's best friend was there too. We are are all really close friends and have been for many many years (my best friend is the older brother of H's best friend...it's how we met). I haven't seen much of H's best friend though because he's really been there for H. He's supporting him well...not necessarily agreeing with his choices, but has really been there for H. I'm grateful for that, but sometimes I feel that he has not gone out of his way to speak to me about it. So it was it good to see him last night.

The thing is that it was really obvious that H was missing. You could tell everyone thought it. He used to be such a big and fun presence at get togethers. That's why no one can believe that this is really him because he is so changed.

Anyway, I told H today when he came to see the kids what we did and he asked who was there and I told him. I caught him staring into space a couple times and I wonder what he was thinking. I wonder if he missed being there. Who knows.

When he first got here I couldn't get it out of my head that he had just been with CFB...sorry...that's rude..."OW". So I was a little short and had a hard time making eye contact. But when I started talking about last night my courage came to me and I started to sound more upbeat. D and I were having a blast with eachother and H was noticing.
So...new year...renew DB'ing!!! I'm going to bed early tonight to start reading DR again.
It is hard because as everyone knows there is always that part of you that doesn't want to act happy in front of them because you don't want them to believe that you've accepted this. You don't want them to believe that you're happy with the circumstances. BUT...blah blah blah, I know all the right answers to that so I just have to get up the guts to do it. GAL and make sure he knows it.
I was reading the thread about the "successful strategies of those in piecing" and they ALL credit their success with truly letting go. I'm going to keep reading those too to stay focused and motivated.

Sorry for the ramble...
J~