Not really sure what I should be doing now. W keeps making baby steps and moving closer, even when I'm pulling away. She doesn't push, but without an answer or commitment from her I don't know what to do.
It didn't help that when I was going through this anger this week, I had to confront some financial issues. I was able to handle everything but it makes me really upset with her, that she doesn't acknowledge it or something. But what can I expect. I don't tell her how bad it really is, and she doesn't know. In fact tonight she asked if I could pitch in to buy some pull up pants for the S for potty training, and I said sorry I couldn't, I had to figure out how to pay January's mortgage. She asked if I needed help, and I declined. Nice gesture on her part, but also she is tied to it, so who knows.
I called about half an hour prior to picking up S tonight and asked if she could have him ready. She said no problem. When I arrived, nothing had been done. Reason is she wants me to be around. She tried to get me to smoke with her, but I said I was in a hurry and needed to run. She stalled all she could. She gets all done up each time I stop by, I could tell she just got done doing hair and makeup for my arrival. She was wearing the necklace I got her for x-mas and anniversary. That is a couple of times now. Hmmm???
I was pretty quite and she didn't push. Told me her plans, and I was pretty indifferent. Really in may cave right now just thinking. She is being so nice, and I get none of it. I know she wants me there so she has her back up net, but then again I think W isn't like that, but that is old W, new W, had an A, left me financially screwed, clubs all the time, etc. In all actuallity I have watched the clubbing starting to slow down as well. It's almost like I'm requesting a semi to stop at 80 in the next 5 feet, and she is showing me the reality that it takes a lot of distance to stop.
The crapy part is as things seem to be getting better with W and I my family is losing patience with me. They think I have lost it. I'm starting to lose connections with people I love, and for what? Not really sure. They all still love W very much, but say this is crazy and it's time to move on, etc.
Well it will still take time to get the settlement agreement written and then presented to her. So I guess I keep watching and listening. Then even when I deliver it, she may not sign it, who knows. I think I need to realize that time is still on my side, and maybe the awakening will happen.
I did get asked out by my potential date for this weekend, but I had my S. Which is good because after some real thinking on this, I'm not ready, and it would be a disaster I'm sure. No reason to ruin someone elses night or feel like crap the whole time. I really think it will take me some major time there if it goes that way.
New this week, while I haven't started my quit smoking program, I am back on the bike (with the trainer). Sucks to just sit there in front of the TV on it, wish I was outside, but too much snow and ice. Keep that up and I'll be ready to lift again when the shoulder feels better. Fitness has always been important for me and it has gone out the window lately, so I need to do that to feel better. It really does help.
