Did I Screw Up?

[Jen1967]

My H took me out last night to dinner to talk and be open with me. Right before I went I got a letter in the mail from my attorney that attached a letter from H's attorney that said "my client is not interested in reconciling. We look forward to seeing your response to the settlement offer."

We went out, he's been lying all week about going to work when I know he took leave and has been with OW. At dinner he downed 3 gin and tonics before he could start talking about R. He said he just thought since he sees changes in me for the better that he should tell me where he is emotionally as to why he's not moving back home. He said "I still want divorce." He said he's afraid of coming back and things reverting to the way they were, he wasn't happy with me at all. He said he is having affair with OW. I asked "sexual?" he said yes. I asked "Do you love her?" He said, "I care for her. I thought I loved her, but I don't think so. She's a good friend. She listens. She's kind. She is on my team. She is easygoing. We have frequent sex."

Punch. OUCH. I asked if she expects a commitment, he said the issue has never come up and he's not ready to make a commitment. He said he doesn't see a future with her, but wouldn't say why. He said he's not willing to stop seeing her because he feels so good with her.

He said he's really missing our family and our kids, but he's not hopeful about us. But then he started talking "ifs" and what we would do differently. He was bargaining with me, negotiating. I asked what needs of his I fill. And he said "none." I said, "I have to fill some, you come over to the house to see the kids 4 times a week. I have to at least be filling the mom/family need." He said yes.

A lot was said, but basically I came up with the idea of him starting to take the kids to his apartment on weekends instead of seeing them at our house. That would possibly make him see what he misses in me. But now I'm worried I screwed up because he was opening up and it may look like I pushed him away for it. Am I doing the right thing to have him spend less time seeing me? He's having his cake and eating it too. He's been gone 3.5 months.

[Hurtin4certain]

Jen... you need to let him chose his destiny. I know how hard it is but the only way to get him to come back is to let him go (does that make sense?).

You're not giving him a chance to miss you. Stop ALL relationship talks, they are only pushing him further away.

Start acting happy, show him you dont need him to survive. Go out with friends when you dont have the kids. Only then will he start to think about you.

I refer to detaching as being simliar to a shot at the doctors office. You know you dont want it, you know its going to sting, but its for the best. You have to venture outside your comfort zone. Show him you are an attractive, confident, deserving woman (because YOU ARE!!).

You can do this, I promise you.

[Ohio_Mark]

...He said he's really missing our family and our kids, but he's not hopeful about us. But then he started talking "ifs" and what we would do differently. He was bargaining with me, negotiating...

He's sniffing the bait. You need to pull it away from him.

Just like H4C said, you need to demonstrate to him that your happiness is not contingent upon his love and acceptance of you. Because it's not!!!

Show him that you have moved on. I know, I know, it's completely counterintuitive, but it's the only way to go from here. You need to show him that you do not need him at all. Because the more you need him, the more he will pull away.

I would love to write more, but my wife just got home, and I am headed out. Got things to do...

[Jen1967]

Bad news... I went on his Fidelity account and before dinner last night he sold all of his stocks from his retirement IRA (17K). This does not seem like he's confused about his decision to me.

I am wondering if he lied about his plans with her. Maybe they do love each other and are making plans.

[Jen1967]

Ohio Mark: What should have I said when he said he missed the family?

Also, if he says he wants to open up to me and talk about us again, what should I say/do?

[SueS]

Jen-

I've just been following your thread, but haven't posted. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

My question is.....Can he do this??? I mean, legally, can he? That's a lot of money. I'd find out. Isn't he taking money away from your children too? I'm sure a good deal of that was accumulated during your M.

Just curious!!

SueS

[Jen1967]

Hurtin 4 Certain: Thank you. Awesome advice. I will try to actually heed it.

[Yoyowife]

Jen,
I was wondering the same thing. If the IRA was acqiuired during your marriage it is supposed to be split 50/50. Talk to your attorney soon!

[Jen1967]

SueS-

When I noticed he had done this (today I noticed) I tried to call my L but they were closed. I think what he has said before is that I can only freeze accounts if I file for D. My name is not on his Fidelity account, so I can't do anything with it. I'm scared. It doesn't seem like there would be a good outlook for me now that he's done that. I feel like he is scamming me. Like the dinner talk was a smokescreen so I wouldn't look over there while he lined his nest.

[Yoyowife]

In most states it is still marital property no matter whose name it is in. I've heard of spouses getting half of their spouse's retirement benefits during a divorce.