Trying to Cope, but It's Too Hard

[stacy22]

Thanks boobear, I honestly am falling apart. The more I pray the more things seem to fall apart. I have a deep belief in God and I am working on my relationship with God everyday. My husband did finally confess some lies that he has been holding in for a while now yesterday. He kept telling me he had freed me by his past affairs and I could move on. Well yes my husband has had 3 affairs one of those affairs included 3 different people while he was at the academy. Well yesterday he told me that he has had many affairs and it's all been within the last 3 years of our marriage, so this does not include the 3 I had already dealt with in the past 15 years. I truely forgave my husband and thought we were on a good track.

I can honestly say that I feel so sick to my stomach I feel so small and rejected it's not even funny. I remember asking him over the last 3 years if I had a feeling something wasn't rite. I asked him several times if he was sleeping with someone and he would say, no, I would never hurt you like that again, and I don't have time. My spirit was feeling things, I thought that my mind was bringing the past so I believed him. Well yesterdays news let me know that I was not completely crazy. It's so hard to give yourself completely to someone who makes you feel like their not fully committed to you. I have been blamed for so many years with regards to him not feeling love and passion from me and for not meeting his needs exactly the way he needed them. I literally thought that something was physically wrong with me, but I understand now that my spirit was trying to protect me from him in a way. He would be with someone else and them come home and make love to me.

I don't think I can ever reach his expectations, especially if he continues to be given the opprotunities to cheat, and then not resist. I could never live with myself if I did that to someone. I'm having a hard enough time looking at myself in the mirror, because I feel so used and so worthless. Like our marriage was nothing to him absolutely nothing. My H was able to eat his cake with having me be there and love him unconditionally and cheat all at the same time. I feel like I'm so emotionally screwed up, and I don't know how to deal with this person I thought I new.

How is this salvagable? How will he ever turn to GOD again? How will I ever be able to look him in the eyes and trust him with everything again? I dont want this person he has become, I want the man I married back, and I don't know if that is possible. SO SCAREY AND SO PAINFUL!!