Lo-o-o-ong post; please bear with me here

[still hopeful]

More history:

I didn't mention this in the my first post, but I do still love my XW very much and I want her. But I recently read an article about men sometimes ignoring their own needs in a relationship and being blinded by their wants, which ultimately compromises the man's happiness and satisfaction in life. I am wrestling with this concept in my own head, and I welcome your thoughts at any time on this subject.

October 2007- The Sunday following DV#2, XW asked me to help her move all of BF3's belongings from the home and into the garage for his friends/family to pick up. XW was afraid to move back home because of her recent experience with BF3 and she and her mother devised their plan that I was to move back into her home with her and the children.

XW thought about that for a very short time and decided that she was going to move in with me, which I was fine with with me (again, I know!) as I wanted to help her to feel safe and I wanted my children to be safe after being subjected to living with BF3. XW ended up staying with me until the end of November.

November 2007- I attended the hearing for the restraining order with W. BF3's lawyer (family friend) and twin brother show up, but BF3 is (supposedly) in re-hab for his addictions. XW begins himming and hawing about not knowing where BF3 is in re-hab to serve him with the judgment granting the restraining order. I logically understand what she is saying, but I am having serious difficulty understanding this woman at all. My thoughts are the same as when she wouldn't get the restraining order back in July. She was weighing whether or not to see him again, is my thought. I hoped not, but SICK!

During the month of November, I communicated semi-regularly with BF3's brother to retrieve all of BF3's stuff from the house. Mind you, I offered to do this back in July after DV #1 when when she was on vacation with our children and while he was in jail for 2+ months, but XW was still 'hooked' on BF3, even after calling the sheriff on him for DV #1.

Mid-November- XW comes to me with her new plan, which is for me to move back into her house with her and the children because she still didn't feel safe and having me there would help her to feel safe. I agreed. Then I listened to her b*tch, moan, whine and complain about the shame crap I had to listen to while we were married. I stopped her and told her that all of this change was affecting me too and that couldn't take her changes of heart regarding MY living situation in the days leading up to the move.

December 2007- She finally relented, but on the first evening in the house, I made dinner for the children and we were in the middle of eating dinner when she came home. She then proceeded to clean up the kitchen and make it obvious that she was pissed that the kitchen was 'dirty.' After my not engaging in her storm, I approached her calmly and told her that (1) I had gotten home late and was focused on getting dinner ready for our children, NOT tidiness, (2) I intended on cleaning the entire kitchen after the children had been put to bed for the night, (3) I never intended to piss her off nor did I expect her to clean up the kitchen, (4) some of the 'things' she was upset about had nothing to do with me using the kitchen, and (5) I would greatly appreciate being asked questions rather than having her making assumptions and then storming around in her assumption-filled huff. When I stayed calm and didn't match her anger, she came down and was able to talk and we made some agreements that would serve us both better going forward.

I asked her about serving BF3 with the judgment from her restraining order hearing OR finding out from her consultant from W.E.A.V.E. how long the 'stay away' order lasted and XW basically told me that that is HER business and she would appreciate if I didn't hound her about the issue because it had all been such an emotional situation for her. My 'hounding' consisted of asking her ONE time! I've let it go for now.

XW came home and was had a very serious look on her fa ce. She proceeded to tell me that she was pregnant with BF3's child and that she had elected to terminate the pregnancy. I accompanied her to the doctor for support. Sad situation from all to experience.

November and December 2007- Child Protective Services (CPS) visits. XW had a visit after DV #1 and with DV #2 we have had more and now 'a file' has been opened under her name in their department. Interesting department and process, but scary nonetheless.

Xmas Eve- Took XW to my family party. XW was drinking (not really a problem) and was flirty with male members of my family. She really only caused me minor concerns with her behavior, but she caused major concern with my SIL, who hosted the party. I read an e-mail from SIL on 12/27 detailing what SIL witnessed.

Anyway, on the way home, XW and I had 'relations' and did so again when we arrived home (she initiated all). XW told me that she was embarrassed and that she didn't remember much. My thoughts on this, and correct me if I'm wrong ladies, are that she remembers fine, but the alcohol makes it easer to claim 'not remembering' vs. owning the decisions she made that evening.

Christmas- Very nice day. Lots of fun with the children and with her family. I spoke with XW a few days later regarding this and I told her that THAT wouldn't be happening again with 'us' unless everything was radically different and much better between 'us.' We'll see. I'm not the best DBer and I'm pretty certain I wouldn't stop 'it' from happening again regardless. Honestly, I want it to, but fear that that will cause her to shut off completely from me. Again, your thoughts are welcomed and encouraged.

I look forward to 2008 being a better year than '06 & '07 for me and mine. It's up to me to make it that way. Sadly, I am terribly perplexed by my XW and her incessant 'need' to lean on my for stability and support. Perhaps, even though we are already divorced, I should DB in earnest. I also know that living with her ATM will make DBing much more difficult, but not terribly so. However, she does have a propensity to make 'rules' for me, and of course, make her own determinations that she has no 'rules.' Ah well, I tangled web I have woven and chosen.

If you read this far, I thank you. Bye for now. Pretty sure my future posts will be MUCH shorter.