Willing to be disturbed...

[fooled again]

EM - I know it is really tough stuff. After posting here last night, I decided to reread some of the "Newcomers" forum. I found this:

Sexuality is a special way that people connect with each other. Although some people have sex simply to experience a pleasant physical sensation, that is rarely all that happens. Having sex leads to having emotions. If someone is doubting his or her commitment to a marriage, experiencing feelings of connection during lovemaking is a good thing and it might increase the chances that the confused spouse will feel inclined to work on the marriage. Obviously, it doesn't always work this way and as with everything else, the proof is in the pudding. But if you're willing/wanting to be intimate, it makes sense to me to do so and then watch the results. See how your spouse reacts and how you feel about it after the fact.

I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."

But not everyone feels comfortable with this solution, and that's okay. You have to feel in your heart that you are doing the right thing. If it feels wrong to you, don't do it. If it feels okay, comfortable or even exciting, give yourself permission to enjoy it.

Sorry for the long quote, but there was just so much in there that related to our discussion. I guess that is how I see it too, as a connection. My H said that to me the first time we were together after he moved out. I don't know if that was the only reason he kept coming back to me during the A, and I don't know if I would have preferred that he just left and not kept coming back. But there obviously was something there that he did not want to let go of. I know I would have preferred his honesty, but what's done is done at this point.

I think for you, b/c it has been so long, you both have built it up so much that it is a very big deal, and you are both very nervous about it, kindof like when we were all virgins. CL has a point, how do you bridge that gap after so long? Bit by bit, like everything else we have to do here. Do you hold hands? Kiss and hug? Scratch each other's backs? Touch is a great connector, and becoming more comfortable touching each other is probably the first step.

I have the physical connection, but not so much the communication connection with my H. Which is better? I envy your position, only because it is I am not satisfied with in my M right now. But I truly believe that if you can communicate with each other, it the physical part will come (pardon the pun). And a really good bottle of wine!

FA

BTW, thanks for stopping by my thread. Your insight is very helpful.