Stuck in Neutral - MN Man's 5th thread

[MinnesotaMan]

I've started a new thread because...well, the title describes it all. I honeslty don't feel like I'm making too much forward progress in many ways.

My experiences of the holidays are here at the end of my last thread.

In part I feel stuck because right now, GAL is still so hard to do. It'll change some in Feb, when I start my graduate program and can shift my busy work schedule some.

I've made some progress (some, not all) in my anger/control issues. I think simply waking up to where I was in my life with those helped a lot.

Another part is W - and my ability/willingness to detach. Seeing her two days a week at work complicates that, for sure. I need those hours at the moment, though - we'll see what Feb brings.

She's also seemingly determined to be friends - to be kind and open to me, at least, which is difficult to say "no" to...to resist. Because I'm a nanometer's breadth away from 100% certain she only wants to be friends. But, how can one claim that you emotionally abused them and hurt them enough to make them want to divorce you, but still want to be friends? What the hell?

Whenever I have a small, positive interaction with W is bouys my mood for a good couple hours. Then I dip, or crash.

I feel that in spite of the emotional harm she caused me, I still want her back. But with what I did to her (both the real wrongs and the supposed ones), I don't believe she'd have me.

Which is something else I'm pondering:

When, if ever, is it time to bring up R-talk again? We haven't had an R-talk since mid-October. More than two months since either of us have mentioned _anything_ beyond our tentative "we're treading on eggshells friendship" stuff. Nothing aobut her leaving me, or how things went wrong.

She seems more open and receptive to me, now. She called me to say Merry Christmas, and she seemed OK with the idea of seeming a movie together on the premise that we both wanted to see it but had no one else to go with (my proposal).

Oh, and from all quarters (various people inquiring; not on my behalf) it sounds like she doesn't have an interest in B in terms of an R - which I take with heavy, heavy skeptecism, but still weigh in.

So.

I'm trying to detach. I'm trying to make those steps. But this woman was such a key person in my life. A lot of my daily tasks and pleasures remind me of her a tiny bit - and these are things I don't want to give up, because they're a lot of things I enjoy (sci-fi in general, for example). My life got saturated with her at my side.

And now here I am, stuck in neutral, trying to move on but, some days I feel like I'm just spinning my tires.

[MinnesotaMan]

Well, I did it.

I called my therapist today. He told me to call my family doctor/general practitioner, and I've got an appointment on Wednesday to get on the path to some anti-depressants.

I'm not a fan of pills, usually, but I've been feeling soooo f**ked up, so depressed, that I think I need a little help.

It took a lot to make that call and ask about that. But I'm glad I did it.

[Gone Dancin']

But, how can one claim that you emotionally abused them and hurt them enough to make them want to divorce you, but still want to be friends? What the hell?

It's called guilt.

Whenever I have a small, positive interaction with W is bouys my mood for a good couple hours. Then I dip, or crash.

Don't let these interactions be what makes you happy. Find happiness within yourself, and these pleasant interactions with W will be icing on the cake -- not the cake itself.

When, if ever, is it time to bring up R-talk again?

When/if you feel the time is right. I personally don't think you should bring it up if she hasn't filed yet. Just be happy, cool, confident, calm, collected, attractive, etc, when around her. If/when she's ready, she'll let you know. Doing anything now will most likely severe the closeness you are gaining of late. Just be her friend, show her your changes (and make sure you are being consistent with them), and let her take the lead on R talk. If she files for D, don't fight it -- this will likely only make her dig her heels in more. Give it to her, but that might also be a good time to bring up the R talk. I wouldn't before that, though. Ride the wave until then -- or until you are willing to throw in the towel after one last shot.

GD

[Heimlich]

Glad you were finally honest with your therapist and yourself about the depression. No stigma attached to getting the help you need. Be kind to yourself, eh?

BD

[MinnesotaMan]

Don't let these interactions be what makes you happy. Find happiness within yourself, and these pleasant interactions with W will be icing on the cake -- not the cake itself.

And the finding happiness for myself's the toughie. I'm managing day-to-day, but I'm just muddling through. nothing quite yet that makes me go "this is good".

But the positive interactions aren't so much what makes me happy, as something that gives me a window into how things used to be. Which is nice - and happy - but ...urk.



As for R-talk and the like: I think you've got the right of it, GD. I'll just let things go along as they have been, as they are - and if/when she files for D, I'll take one last stab at saving this M.



Heim -

Ah, but for me there was the stigma of anti-depressants being...over-used? So many use 'em when there's no geniune need. But I think I -do- have a genuine need. So. Made the call.

[phbear316]

MM

I know how you are feeling, the person who means everything to you, has been ripped from you and you have no clue why. I am in the same boat as you.

I am glad that YOU made a good decision for yourself to get help and speak to a doctor.

I was at a point a few weeks ago i was going to stop going to therapy, felt i was getting no where, but there are lots of layers to get thru to find yourself and find your happiness. I am not totally there, but moving in the right direction. I also decided to stay in therapy when h told me he was going to start going to therapy.

Keep you chin up, for we are all here thinking about you.

P.S love the pictures! especially the kitties, have one of my own who is a royal princess.

phbear

[MinnesotaMan]

The "ripped from you" comment - yeah, that's pretty much how it feels. And damn if it isn't a slow-healling wound.

Therapy is helping some, I think - but alot of this is still fresh enough that it's still tough to work though. I think it's important to keep going, even if things don't feel like they're moving quite as fast as wanted. It took me long enough to admit I needed therapy, longer to realize that I may actually need meds of some sort. Not easy admissions, either, and not something I want to give up on quickly.

Oh, and thanks for the comments on the pictures

My kitty's been helpful in getting through this, too. Hugging a kitty when you're distressed is calming - even if he doesn't much care for it. hehe

[MinnesotaMan]

Another "Late Night Freak-Out" post. Feel free to ignore if you want. I'm posting here because everyone I know is asleep (incld.online friends) . . .

Oh bloody hell I'm so messed up.

Whenever I'm in a quiet time alone (like now, bedroom, at home, before bed) I feel so f**king alone I think I must be unwell.

And, numerous times a day, "self destructive" (s-word) thoughts bebop through my head. Nothing I'd act on (oh, it'd f**k up my parents way, way too much and I've got this fear of Hell), but I won't deny that they bounce in and out.

I was definately using W as a sanity/anti-depression bouy. I relied on her too much to make my "happy" in some way. or I at least used her to shield the worst of something.

Hell. I dunno. I'm not going to actually do anything, but these thoughts popping into my head more than a dozen times a day are scary.

I realize that I desperately crave human contact. I don't want to be alone. But the second i part from that, everything seems hollow. Last night i went to a local pub for some food and a beer - we parted at their apartment (a block from mine) and 20 feet after I'd gotten past where they live -- BAM! depression came rolling back in, even though I'd been having a perfectly fun time with them.

And why the hell do all these "relelations" come late at night, not when I'm in my therapist's office, or somewhere where these thoughts will help?

...further, hell, why am I scared to bring things up like this in person with someone, but OK with posting it here on this forum? Where I've subjected too many people who read my threads to these f**king-emo postings where it looks like I don't want ot help myself?

aahhhhhh!

[phbear316]

MM

I hear you about the self destructive thoughts, i have also had them and i am sure lots of folks here have had them to. You like me need to stop with them. Immediatley.

I am new at this, and barely and i mean barely keeping my head above up from drowning, but someone had pointed out to me a while ago, you come first.

You have to start thinking positive and bringing that into your life every day. I know you are saying its hard, i agree, it is hard. But you need to break this funk you are in. Start doing things you like when you start to have these down feeling come upon you, You have to say to yourself STOP, picture a stop sign, yeild sign caution sign big orange cones, STOP. Immediately, and i mean immediately think of some thing good. And something that makes you happy, and try not to make that thought about you & W, think about something that the kitty did, something funny you did, something funny you saw on tv, a funny movie part, a comedian.

You hold the power to make yourself feel differently, happy, etc. I am not there yet like others here, but i find sometimes if i stop, think of something happy, or funny it helps. I will ask do you have an ipod or mp3 player? listen to upbeat music, not sad songs, not songs your wife liked things like that. I know right after the bomb h dropped i could not sleep i found a whole bunch of free podcasts for helping me to relax to get to sleep. And you know what, it worked, i never make it to the end of the session, out like light.

Do you have a hobby or hobbies? If yes, do them if not find one. I found going back to crocheting helps me keep my mind and hands busy. I find i have purchased more yarn and word find books in the last few months that i will have a blanket the size of 6 king size beds and i don't care.

Here is an idea, write down these feelings you get, and then go over them with your therapist during your appointment. It may help you both work on things. It may help you to write them down, to journal them. This is something i am going to start for new years resolution.

I do also crave time with my h, but you have to start making time for you. I'm telling you go join a gym, go for walks, get some weights, cook, clean the house, ride a bike, do crosswords, volunteer,take a class in something you have always wanted to do. Golf, do something, go on vacation Get my drift! (gosh i should really listen to myself and take my own advice sometimes anyway rambling

IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP YOURSELF!! Don't say that you don't want to help yourself. NOT TRUE! you do you just don't know how yet, you will know, I know it hurts i feel your pain, trust me. I feel your pain right with you.

Come here, there will always be someone here.

you can send me private message if you feel you need to, i am worried about you MM. But i know you like me, you will find strength, things will start to get better, you will have good days and bad days. I am proud of you for going to md to discuss anti depressants, it take a STRONG person to admit they need help, and you are STRONG!..I have thought about going to my md and talking to him about it, but i am not there yet, not strong enough yet

hugs

phbear

[sgctxok]

Hang in there. In a few weeks (after the meds), you will be amazed at how bad you don't feel. It just lets you cope. And some of them let you feel actually good. But mostly, it takes away the overwhelming bad.

It will be ok. And then it (your life) will be great.