Miss Ic - I know I'm kinda late with weighing in here, but I'd like to say this: I would have been THRILLED if my H's reaction to his infidelity had been ANYTHING like ICs. Honestly. My H screwed up twice in our marriage. Both times he was depressed, and a woman set her sights on him. If my H had just succumbed, and then been overcome with guilt and a determination to fight for our marriage - that would have been SO sweet! Instead, he had to convince himself he was "in love" to justify his actions, and put us both through several months of BS before he woke up to what he was doing.
I'm not saying IC didn't mess up - he did. He put himself in a situation where such a thing could happen. Marriage should mean you don't PUT yourself in those "near occasions of sin" IMHO.
BUT - given that he DID make that all-too-human mistake, I just want to point out that his behavior following it was almost everything you could hope for from him. Any one of us might be susceptible in the right circumstances to a ONS; it takes guts to slap yourself after and commit to working on your marriage. I admire that. I wish my H had more of that.
I've had a little time for this to sink in and I've been afforded the time to reflect on just how bad things were for us back in April. I think the intial shock was dealing with this in the here and now...."how could you do this, when things have been so good" kind of thinking.
I'm not condoning that IC did...but reflecting back to that time, I can see how it could happen. We both were in danger of this happening to either one of us without us realizing the danger we were in.
I'm struggling with trust issues...big time! The least little question of his whereabouts triggers anxiety and questioning of him. I don't know if I am doing more harm than good to our relationship at this point. He has not made any mention or have any of his actions indicated that my questions have irritated him. Is all this questioning going overboard? Or is it reasonable on my part?
I'm still just feeling very very lost in this whole scheme of things. I know I come on here and vent and I'm sure my emotions seem petty to some but.....
Miss IC - I don't think I've posted on this one before, but I read lots of the threads you and IC write. Especially back and forth. You guys are a great couple, problems? yeah, but the love there is obvious.
Ask as many questions as you want. IC gets to deal with it. I had an EA. It was a mistake, i've forgiven myself for it, but it will take lots of time for me to earn the same from H. When my H asks those questions, i just keep reminding myself that had i not done what i did, he wouldn't have any reason to be asking. You just ask as many questions as you need to start feeling comfortable again. It sounds like IC is more than willing to do whatever it takes to help you trust again, so that's good. It won't be easy for either of you and it'll take a lot of time, but I know you both can work through this together.
I hope you both are doing ok after the loss of family. That can be so hard. You are both in my prayers.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
I was posting as you were... His actions after the event IS what is making things so difficult for me. My normal reaction to his infidelity would be "you're gone!" And I can't speak for IC, but judging my his past moral actions and just who he is, I feel he would have the same feeling towards me if the roles were reversed.
But now here we are and things are not so clear cut for me anymore. 6 moths ago, without certainty, we would be in divorce preceedings by now if I had found out then. Now, with having seen how he has acted in trying to make our relationship good and with how good it was before he revealed...I'm probably 60/40 towards divorce. It's that 40% that says "things were good for you guys...is it possible to get back to that?"
Yes, it's possible to get back to that - and even better than that. And while I would have thought, before my H's infidelity, that that was an absolute I wouldn't tolerate - now I know that things aren't quite so black and white, and that throwing out a mostly good marriage over an episode is not necessarily a good bargain.
Think about this - IF you divorce and start a new R with someone else, what guarantee do you have that THAT guy will always be faithful? Seems to me you have a much better chance with IC, who immediately saw that it was wrong and took steps to correct it, than with some new guy who may have worse problems. I think going forward, IC actually looks like a better bet to be faithful from here on out than most guys.
I think going forward, IC actually looks like a better bet to be faithful from here on out than most guys.
Yes, I'd totally agree with this. Both of you know now to watch your fences. Do not put yourselves in dangerous situations = almost the whole ticket.
But it's normal to be where you are, MissIC. It's just really soon. Emotions are bound to be up and down. Give yourself time, and if you feel like grilling him about his whereabouts, grill away. That, too, is normal.
Miss IC - I think he'd be surprised if you were not questioning him on his whereabouts right now. Over time, I would expect that would change, on both sides. I don't thin it is bothering him. Actually, it is helping him to see that you care.
Venting, journaling, cursing...whatever you want to call it.
I don't know if it was the increased drama or if I felt I had something to prove....I don't know. I wanted and needed sex! My intentions were to iniate, rough him up a little for my needs...a revenge or anger f*ck. Satisfy my need for a while and hopefully relay a message "Think about this the next time you entertain thoughts of sleeping around..or..or..did she, can she f*ck like this" I made sure the room was all dark, I was pissed and didn't really care to see him...this was for me!
Damn-it! What does IC do? He turns things around and with the heightened senses of touch due to the darkness, makes the sweetest love to me that I haven't felt in years....F*CK!!! I want to...no I need to feel anger towards him for my own sake. How do I do this when he pulls things like this?
I ended up siliently crying myself to sleep..not out of hurt, or anger, but because for the moment...I'd never felt so loved! Throws a whole new wrench into things.
You can feel anger and love at the same time... in fact, it's extremely beautiful when you can do this. Very liberating.
Think about how you can feel anger at your kids and love them at the same time-- not that it's exactly the same-- but the anger does not cancel out the love.
Just feel what you feel, Miss IC-- you have a tendency to OVERTHINK things... (and this is coming from someone similarly afflicted!). Stay in the NOW! The NOW is all that exists.
