I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[ediemarie]

I just dont want to surprise her because the lies previously were surprises and they didn't work for sure.

What do you mean by this? I'm thinking that you mean you don't want to surprise her by coming out to see them. I wasn't suggesting that you surprise her, I was suggesting that YOU make a plan to see your kids on a regular basis. Don't just show up. Tell your W that you want to see your kids X amount of times each month and that you are going to do so by flying out X amount times. It shouldn't be a surprise. It should be something that she can DEPEND on. You need to operate like clockwork - every action of yours has to be deliberate, consistant, and reliable. Make a plan to be apart of your kids lives.

My h has said the same thing. It never felt good, but was something that happened and then once in the midst of it all couldn't get out of it.

Up until this point in my H's life he had never lived a life of lying and deceit. It wasn't in him. He was active in our church and a very trustworthy person. While he did relate well to OW and enjoyed the companionship she offered him, he knew what he was doing was wrong and sinful. But he was mired in it. Did he make these choices? Yes. Did he cause his own pain? Yes. Is he to blame? Yes. But the fleeting moments of pleasure were far outweighed by the distress of the guilt for living a double life. He was miserable. I remember him being miserable. It wasn't until I allowed him to handle this problem in his own way that he started to become un-miserable and begin to heal himself and our R.