It's been awhile since I last posted, and while I seem to have gained great insight as to how things got this way, and the things I need to practice to become a more complete me, my situation hasn't really changed that much. That's not why I started this particular thread, however.
It seems there are a great many lady posters that are at a loss to understand the apparently LD male. Obviously, I cannot speak on behalf of all males, but here, at least, is my story:
I discovered masturbation at a fairly young age (12) and sex shortly thereafter, thanks to a particularly accomodating older neighbor girl (15). Our young romance was shortlived, but opened the door to the wonders of the orgasm for me. After that time, I masturbated fairly often, probably 5 times a week. The act was all about reaching climax, and nothing else. I would work towards that end, and would concentrate on finishing as quickly as possible for fear of discovery. This habit stayed with me until relatively recently (until, say, 2 years ago).
As a result, premature ejaculation during sex has been a constant concern for me. Throughout my highschool years, through college and young adulthood, and on into my two marriages. It was only recently that I have managed to confront this issue head on, and admit it's effect on my relationship issues.
To say that this problem was a constant concern is, I'm sure, to mild. In my type 5-ish way, I couldn't bear to be thought of as incompetent in any area of my life. In those areas I lacked, I simply ignored as not important to me.
As life went on, fantasy gave way to dirty mags which then gave way to internet porn. It was easier to imagine fantastic sex with some unknown bimbo than it was to face and deal with my own (as I saw it) utter incompetence and failure. I had, by this time in my life, become very good at hiding my addiction to porn masturbation, and so my wife really had no reason to think I had much of a sex drive at all. I actually have a very high sex drive, but was unable, through my own insecurities and our inability to communicate honestly and openly, to share any of this with her.
I am now reeling from the results of this reality. My wife, I believe, has fallen out of love with me, convinced that I didn't love her at all. I believe her primary LL is PT, so I have truly drained her love bank, and probably taken out third, second and first mortgages by now.
This is truly the "Elephant in the room" issue for us. Early in our marriage, she brought up being dissatisfied with our SL and I reacted (over-reacted) very poorly. She has not made any attempt since to discuss it, and whenever our conversations began to drift toward her satisfaction with our SL, she re-directed the conversation very quickly. We have discussed all sorts of problems including money, kids, housework, etc. but have never really gotten down to brass tacks, as it were. It is as surely my fault for allowing the deflection to occur as it is hers for deflecting.
As things stand today, my very high sex drive has been tamed somewhat by the AD medication. It has allowed me to completely break my porn addiction, I am happy to say (kind of like the patch for smoking did). I do still masturbate, about once every two or three weeks when the tension gets to be unbearable. My wife is still home, still living with me, and although we have very little physical contact, that is beginning to change also. She is slowly warming back up to me.
And that's my story.
Since my last post on this board, I have read both Deida (The Way of the Superior Man)and Glover (No More Mr Nice Guy)a couple of times through, and each has shed some light on my current situation, but mostly the Deida work. I am convinced that my "Nice Guy" traits were mostly guilty reactions based on my own self-image as a failed lover.
My current impass is the revealing of all of this to my wife. Having been to a couple of marriage conseling sessions and admitting my fault in much that was wrong with our marriage (but niether of us going into sex) she tends to use my admissions as clubs with which to beat me when we disagree. I have not yet become immune to these beatings, and she has yet to own any of the problems that have plagued us in the past. Of course, they could all be related to this one issue, huh?
At some point, I need to give her all of this and see what happens. I know we will not be truly intimate, no matter how much we reconcile, until I do.
Lucky Me, I realized all this before she left for good.
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
What would happen if you told her what you told us?
She is berating you using your own admissions to discharge all the stuffed down emotions she is carrying around. What would happen if you confronted her when she gets nasty. Say "Hey, I don't appreciate the dig but we CAN discuss the issue."
My H probably needs an AD too. I suspect that his issue is probably similar to yours although I am only conjecturing.
Lucky, What would happen if you told her what you told us? Karen
I'm really not sure, Karen. I guess we'll find out soon enough. Again, I don't believe we'll ever reach that true level of intimacy discussed in books like Passionate Marriage without revelation and utter honesty.
Originally Posted By: Lillieperl
Lucky, what was your former screen name?
Hi Lil, my former screen name was LoveMatters. My original posting is Here. I originally posted in Newcomers.
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
[quote]she tends to use my admissions as clubs with which to beat me when we disagree./quote]Yeah, been there, 