Did I Screw Up?

[Jen1967]

My H took me out last night to dinner to talk and be open with me. Right before I went I got a letter in the mail from my attorney that attached a letter from H's attorney that said "my client is not interested in reconciling. We look forward to seeing your response to the settlement offer."

We went out, he's been lying all week about going to work when I know he took leave and has been with OW. At dinner he downed 3 gin and tonics before he could start talking about R. He said he just thought since he sees changes in me for the better that he should tell me where he is emotionally as to why he's not moving back home. He said "I still want divorce." He said he's afraid of coming back and things reverting to the way they were, he wasn't happy with me at all. He said he is having affair with OW. I asked "sexual?" he said yes. I asked "Do you love her?" He said, "I care for her. I thought I loved her, but I don't think so. She's a good friend. She listens. She's kind. She is on my team. She is easygoing. We have frequent sex."

Punch. OUCH. I asked if she expects a commitment, he said the issue has never come up and he's not ready to make a commitment. He said he doesn't see a future with her, but wouldn't say why. He said he's not willing to stop seeing her because he feels so good with her.

He said he's really missing our family and our kids, but he's not hopeful about us. But then he started talking "ifs" and what we would do differently. He was bargaining with me, negotiating. I asked what needs of his I fill. And he said "none." I said, "I have to fill some, you come over to the house to see the kids 4 times a week. I have to at least be filling the mom/family need." He said yes.

A lot was said, but basically I came up with the idea of him starting to take the kids to his apartment on weekends instead of seeing them at our house. That would possibly make him see what he misses in me. But now I'm worried I screwed up because he was opening up and it may look like I pushed him away for it. Am I doing the right thing to have him spend less time seeing me? He's having his cake and eating it too. He's been gone 3.5 months.