New to Piecing -- again

[cat03]

I go out with the girls still. I can't say I blame them, but it makes me feel badly that even now, with H moved back home, we don't get the "couple" invite.
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Don't they know how YOU feel now about your H? that you accept him and that you want to be happy with him? Perhaps back then you had girl talks/vents and they were all horrified at what he did and hated him *for you*. Do you talk about your H in good terms when you are with them? do they sence some unhappiness and that's why--maybe-- they think they are siding with you by not including him?

I personally would take offense at him not being invited, I would mention that you really miss doing the couples thing again to your girlfriends, in passing, not to put them on the spot but to let them know how alianating your H makes you sad, that you'd love to be included again.

My cousin (and confidant and crying shoulder during my separation) taught us (exteded family) how to treat her H. A few yrs ago he cheated on her while she was out of the country, runned up a huge cc bill, left the home to live with ow and wanted a D. In the end she forgave and took him back, sold her home and moved to an appt so they could pay his debt. We all thought she was right down crazy, what a stupid thing to do we all thought at the time, even her mom warned that she would not speak to her again if she went back with him. The first years it was ackward, the A and the whole mess came right up to our minds the moment we laid eyes on him when she invited us to their kids' b days. But what struck me was her attitude, she didnt' act contrite nor ashamed, she hugged him, was sweet and acted like nothing was wrong. And that made me think, if she can forgive him and move on and accept him there was no reason why I couldnt'.
It took a while, but eventually everyone put behind them what had happened and now we are all just fine with him. Because of what happened to her I was careful not to tell my family when my H left and had the 2 As, I knew my family wouldnt' forgive him in years if ever, to the 2 people I confided I was still careful of what I'd say.

I hope they are able to, in the future, accept him.

Glad you are pushing the snooping urges away, it will pay off, in the long run, you won't even feel like doing it anymore. Keep up the PMA, let it be your permantent state of mind.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
I told all my family and friend what had happened. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so it's hard for me to keep anything inside. I've since learned to keep my marital problems inside. But during this time, H had moved out and we were going to mediation and planning on getting a D. But it's nice to hear that story about your cousin.

I am feeling icky today. Every once in a while, I start to feel anxious, scared, insecure... etc. Nothing in particular happened. But I guess it's just me. I wonder when/if I'll ever feel really safe in my M again.

Every few weeks, I "check in" with H. He had agreed that we can do this since we're not in MC. Basically, I ask him how he's feeling about things... if anything is bothering him... how he feels things are going. Then I tell him about the struggles taht I continue to have from time to time. And although I try not to, I do end up asking about OW. I know, I shouldn't. I guess i just have this need for reassurance.

So, last night we had another talk. I told him that he knows how I'm feeling all the time because I express it. But with him, I need to ask him from time to time if anything is on his mind.

Anyway, last night's talk was okay. I learned a few things that irritate H that I've been doing. Minor things, but at least something I can be aware of.

I did ask him about OW. He said he hasn't had contact. But I don't even know why I ask because he has said that in the past and did still have contact in the past. I told him that I still think about OW and that it still hurts. He said he udnerstands.

I asked him if he's making progress with his C. He said he doesn't know. He said that he does like giong to her and likes talking to her. But is he "getting better" because of it? he doesn't know. he said it's just living life that is making him better.

I had said that I feel scared sometiems that he can fall into the same trap again, and what's to prevent him from diong it. He said that sometimes you have to go through the bad stuff to learn what not to do. He said you have to get burned by the flame to learn thta you dont' want to do it again.

I only let the convo go on for about 20 minutes. I know he hates them, and I acknowledged that. But I told him that it's important for me to have a sense for how he's feeling and thinking.

But for some reason, I'm still feeling insecure today. When will I jsut feel safe in my M?

[Concerned_Listener]

PS,
When you say feel safe in your M, what do you mean? What kind of a mental state are you striving for here?

CL

[Aud31]

Oh hon,

I so know exactly how you're feeling and that need for (unprompted) reassurance that comes and goes like the tide.

But I don't even know why I ask because he has said that in the past and did still have contact in the past.

I find myself feeling this exact thing often. I need some voluntary sharing of information! For them though, 1-it's not in their natures, 2-they don't want to keep going back to it, they want to move forward and forget the whole crappy deal.

I also have those feelings--it happened before, it can happen again. How do I know he's not lying?

Trust. Sometimes it seems like Mt. Everest. But you know what? People climb that mountain all the time. So can we.

((hugs))

[cat03]

I wonder when/if I'll ever feel really safe in my M again.

You will, it will just take lots of will to let go of the "what ifs", in time you will learn to say "ok, so if he is cheating again this is it, he goes, I only loose a liar and I can be happy on my own". Knowing that you will be ok if he leaves will help you stop freeting, I know my H's life would be a mess if we were to divorce, he'd have bigger internal issues in his hands, I, on the other hand, will have the peace and knowledge that I gave it my all and that I can be happy with my kids--of course I'd be sad and it'd be hard, but I won't be a wreck, I'd have no regrets.

I can see the shadow of the ow still weights heavily on you, I still think of the ow too, everyday, but without anger or for long periods of time, I am blessed that those times are far and appart. Master the art of shortening the time you think of her, force yourself to think something else, don't say her name, dont' give her power. If I ever have to refer to the A time frame with my H I say "during all that mess" or "when we had that problem", devoid her of a personality, she, "it" will loose power over you.

I asked him if he's making progress with his C. He said he doesn't know. He said that he does like giong to her and likes talking to her...

I learned a few things that irritate H that I've been doing. Minor things, but at least something I can be aware of.

HA! my H is teh same, I think quite a few sessions are useless, but the big picture is that they are doing something about it, trying to address something they know isn't right.
It is awesome that he is able to voice what is bothering him, I see that as a very good sign, I have asked my H to do the same but he is unable to do so, dont' know exactly why, so I see that as a positive in your sitch.

Ah, the R talks, how men hate them, my H and I haven't gone to C in ages, we barely have an R talk, so it is good that at least your H agrees to have them, giving them a short time (20min) is the best.
I think you are doing great,

[peaceful_spirit]

CL,

What kind of a mental state are you striving for here?

That is a good question. And this is the very thing I'm struggling with. I guess I just don't want to always feel like i need to know where my H is at all times. I hate that feeling, yet I can't stop feeling this way. IF he's not a work or somewhere where I know he is, I find myself wondering if he's seeing or talking to OW. And I find that these thoughts are almost uncontrolable.

But I AM working on it, but MAN it's hard.

Aud, it's nice to feel someone relate to my feelings. It's hard to stop these insecurities. I find myself going in cycles... i will go a few weeks feeling great about things, then I'll hit a patch where I don't.

Cat,
I read what's going on in your sitch, but have been unable to post (my H was sitting right next to me). And you are right... kjnowing you will be okay without H is very empowering. And I've been there. But now after so much progress has been made, I am feeling much more vulnerable.

Cat, I am going to post on your thread in a minute...

[Concerned_Listener]

PS,
It is true that feelings have a life of their own. Thoughts are a different matter--we do have influence over what our interpretations of our feelings are.

Try breaking it into feelings and beliefs. For example, when you don't know where your H is this creates fear. What are your thoughts, interpretations, or beliefs about this? This isn't conveyed in yours posts.

Once you're able to articulate and clarify what your beliefs are about your feelings, you can then decide whether or not they are valid, or not accurate. You can then modify them to something more accurate.

This may or may not tame the feeling, but at least you won't add to your own suffering, by adding your own layer to the event. The goal is to be able to face and experience what is happening in our lives and respond in the healthiest way possible. It doesn't mean that we necessarily get to be comfortable.

The other piece of advice is to make sure that you're keeping some balance in your life--recreation, exercise, hobbies, connection.

CL

[peaceful_spirit]

CL,
I need to work hard at handling my emotions. I struggle with this every day.

So, that said... will I ever be able to trust H again? Will I ever be able to let my guard down? Even though things have been going relatively well over teh past few months, which was a HUGE improvement over the year before that, I still struggle with trust.

I know I make matters worse when I question H about things. I know we're not supposed to do this. But how do I handle the suspicions? HOw do I handle the thought that OW might have TMd or called H to wish him a Merry Christmas.

I know that I could sabotage our efforts by always asking him questions. And this is where my internal battle comes in. I think to myself... do I really want to feel better about where he was by asking him questions that I know annoy him, or do I want to let it go for the sake of keeping things peaceful in our home? I struggle with this ALL the time.

There were a few occasions over the past weekend that I initiated conversations that were not productive. It was around me being suspcious... then bringing up the past and throwing it in his face. BAD... I KNOW! Then I went on to tell him that I was sorry that I said those things and that I am still working on dealing with certain triggers that conjur up those passionate emotions in me. Then after that conversation, I felt disconnected from H. So, of course I had to bring THAT up and tell him taht I dont' feel connected to him and that I felt he was disinterested in me. This conversation did not go well. This all happened on Christmas Eve.

So, later that night, when H came to bed, we ML. So, I just left it all there. I kind of saw that as a peace offering.

But even today, I continue to have fears and concerns about KNOWING that H is being true.

I need some guidance here (and maybe a 2x4 or two).

[Lissie]

Hiya mamma.

I hope you and the kids had a wonderful Christmas.

I know things get hard at time, but the peeps here are giving you such wonderful advice.

I miss ya.

Hug those boys from me.

Here is to a very Happy and healthy new year.

[Concerned_Listener]

PS,
I would think that both you and your H have something to work on. I haven't reached this yet in my Piecing efforts, but I would think that the WAS has a responsibility to do what they can to rebuild trust in the M. Is there something that your H could be doing or saying that would be helpful for you? In my situation, it would be that my W would cease sleeping elsewhere activity, unless I knew where she was staying.

Once your H is doing what you've asked to help build trust, than any difficulties you have are your issues to deal with. I think the first step is acceptance of where your R is in the Piecing process. You need to accept that rebuilding trust will take time, and that it will be natural to have some thoughts of doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty. You will need to accept the discomfort of this. Even when things are getting better, it doesn't mean we get to be comfortable all the time.

It's good that you are aware of your thoughts/feelings and when they are creating suffering in you. You will have to experiment and find what works for you, and practice consistently. In my case reading, dancing, writing, and yoga are all helpful. Reading self-help books gives me ideas to practice with to counter distressing thoughts and emotions.

All my activities seem to help me in getting centered again in the present or changing my interpretations so that I can manage difficult emotions. Your thoughts and fears that you described are future-oriented.

The book "Everyday Zen" by Charlotte Joko Beck talks about the
"razor's edge." By this she means that we need to be aware when our thoughts and feelings take us away from living in the present moment of our lives, and over the edge into suffering. It's a constant practice.

What helps you or has helped you in the past to manage difficult emotions?

CL