Trying to Cope, but It's Too Hard

[stacy22]

well christmas is over and the next holiday is our anniversary, can't say that I'm exspecting anything. I just wish I new what to do, where to start. I don't know if I should pack his stuff up, and put it in boxes or leave it in the closet. I don't know if I should stop caring, because he doesn't seem to. I just don't know what I need to do to see me. I wrote him a text message asking him what he needed to see, and he never text me back, because he's said he has made his choice and thats that. I know that I deserve a second chance at making our marriage work, and he states he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, or end up where we are again in a couple of years. I don't either, but I don't know what to do to make it better if he won't give me a chance or go to counceling. He asked me who else do you want me to see, and I don't know who we could go to. I live in Montana for crying out loud we don't have to many choices when it comes to therapy.

[boobear]

I can almost see your story playing out like mine has. My W has been acting basically the same way, except when I found out about her new BF a few months after S, she began to flaunt it around her family. They are very happy that she is happy again - they say they thought I was a good provider but not a good friend to W and to just leave her alone for good. The calls to my wife from BF now come to a new cell phone she didn't tell me about until last week so when I thought things were settling down, they were just going offline without my knowledge. There is a whole life she leads without me and our 2 kids (S16,D14) and its tough to keep smiling all the time after 20 years of marriage. I miss W so much my heart feels like its going to burst. She has no responsibilities and I don't think she ever will again.
My advice is pray. Then cry. And then pray some more. Repeat as necessary.
God will help protect you and your child from harm and He loves you both. But you may have to show unconditional love to someone who doesn't deserve it anymore. Its so hard to keep the faith when it hurts to breathe. Talk to God like a friend and tell him what hurts. I did and it didn't solve anything for me but I am feeling far stronger than I have in years. Your H may be acting like a spoiled child and God will deal with him according to His plans, but you can't ask H to be someone he's not. Its not up to you to dictate that. God wants you to be happy. So, maybe like me, you need to think less about how to get your spouse back and more about how to live my life to the fullest. Your H may never be the same again and my W never will either. But we can both be happy and protect our kids with all our strength. H will see your strength and he will be amazed you can do it without him.
I hate the pain and the crying - I feel so out of control. But when I pray, I feel Him giving me hope that regardless of what happens, I will be strong and loved and am a great person even if I have no S anymore.
Good luck - I'll pray for you too Stacy22.

[stacy22]

Thanks boobear, I honestly am falling apart. The more I pray the more things seem to fall apart. I have a deep belief in God and I am working on my relationship with God everyday. My husband did finally confess some lies that he has been holding in for a while now yesterday. He kept telling me he had freed me by his past affairs and I could move on. Well yes my husband has had 3 affairs one of those affairs included 3 different people while he was at the academy. Well yesterday he told me that he has had many affairs and it's all been within the last 3 years of our marriage, so this does not include the 3 I had already dealt with in the past 15 years. I truely forgave my husband and thought we were on a good track.

I can honestly say that I feel so sick to my stomach I feel so small and rejected it's not even funny. I remember asking him over the last 3 years if I had a feeling something wasn't rite. I asked him several times if he was sleeping with someone and he would say, no, I would never hurt you like that again, and I don't have time. My spirit was feeling things, I thought that my mind was bringing the past so I believed him. Well yesterdays news let me know that I was not completely crazy. It's so hard to give yourself completely to someone who makes you feel like their not fully committed to you. I have been blamed for so many years with regards to him not feeling love and passion from me and for not meeting his needs exactly the way he needed them. I literally thought that something was physically wrong with me, but I understand now that my spirit was trying to protect me from him in a way. He would be with someone else and them come home and make love to me.

I don't think I can ever reach his expectations, especially if he continues to be given the opprotunities to cheat, and then not resist. I could never live with myself if I did that to someone. I'm having a hard enough time looking at myself in the mirror, because I feel so used and so worthless. Like our marriage was nothing to him absolutely nothing. My H was able to eat his cake with having me be there and love him unconditionally and cheat all at the same time. I feel like I'm so emotionally screwed up, and I don't know how to deal with this person I thought I new.

How is this salvagable? How will he ever turn to GOD again? How will I ever be able to look him in the eyes and trust him with everything again? I dont want this person he has become, I want the man I married back, and I don't know if that is possible. SO SCAREY AND SO PAINFUL!!

[seekpeaceofmind]

I live in Montana for crying out loud we don't have to many choices when it comes to therapy.

It sounds like maybe both you and your H are in law enforcement? If so, isn't there an employee assistance program available through your work? I also live in a rural state, but our EAP program is a 24/7 place to call and get hooked up with a local counselor and there are actually a lot of choices. I never thought I would use our EAP, but I'm really glad I made that phone call. Counseling hasn't "fixed" anything, but it's great to have a place to go for support in coping with these strong emotions and thinking through the ways that I want/need to change and grow.

It sounds like the best thing for you right now is to try to let go of any expectations involving your H. You just need time for you to absorb the shock of the last days and weeks without the pressure of dealing with him or worrying about what the future might bring. Today is enough to deal with.

Take deep breaths and do those things that calm you and help you feel centered. Exercise, read, talk to a friend, go for a drive, clean the house, make a voodoo doll. . . . I have found it tremendously helpful to read the posts on this site - the wisdom of people who have been there/done that and the success stories really work for me.

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi Stacy22 our stories are so similar that I find myself wanting to ask you if we are married to the same guy. And believe me at this point it would not surprise me. I have been seperated since NOV 1 and it hurts like hell. My H too comes over daily to see our 5 year old son. The daily visits make it so hard, but if I ask him not to come I am keeping him from his son. I too get the same response from my H that you do. He is very cold, he gets mad about any sort of relationship talk which I don't do, but if I happen to be too nice then he gets mad because maybe he thinks I have a hidden agenda and he thinks I am trying to get him back. He acts like he does not care and to sum it up he is mean and hurtful. I just don't freaking get it. My H is also in law enforcement (Sheriff). I have also dealt with infedelity. Because of the holidays I have let down my gaurd. I had gone dark and it was working. I also did a 180 and that worked as well. Since our situations are so similar let me tell you what I did- the first thing I did was stop the crying around him. I started dressing nicely every day (especially when I knew he was going to see me), I started loosing a bit of weight, I started keeping the house clean and I did fix it up a bit. All of these things were noticed. Keep all contact very professional. Don't call him, let him mke all the contact. Even when you think you need to call him about your kid don't. I you can possibly handle in then do. Act as though things are fine without him. Do make him responsible financially and do let him know if it comes up you will go for everything you are entitled to as his wife for 15 years. Don't be Mrs. Nice lady. Be tough and hard just like him. Right now you are not friends. What he did to you you don't do to a friend. You don't want whoever this man is back. You want a changed man back. As hard as this is going to be start approaching life like you are single and as though you have accepted divorce from this man. You do want to be divorced from THIS man, and if you show him you don't want the man that he is now maybe he will do some changing. He expects you to fall apart and I urge you not to give him the satisfaction. I was doing very well and I started to see results. With the holidays I had a moment of weakness and I started back with the R talk and the "I love you's and I want you to move back." Needless to say it backfired. I will be going dark again starting tomorrow and I am going to start having my H drop my son off with my mom so I don't have tot see him (at least for now). Those daily visits are like ripping a band-aid off. Also, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[boobear]

Stacy22 - Just a note from boobear - I called my W yesterday at 7pm. Earlier in the day we had talked about taking a walk with our dogs later in the afternoon and I had asked her to go to a movie with me in the evening. Needless to say, by 7 it was dark and too late for dog walk and too late to catch a movie. I left a stupid message for her to call me if she was able to find the time in her "social calendar". She was either out with her BF or her parents - both of whom do not care for me. I couldn't stop from calling her. I tried the prayers and asked for His strength and I still gave in and called. Its easy to talk but hard to do the walk I guess.
I don't understand why prayer helps me at the moment I close my eyes but then I give in to temptation so quickly. I guess He's either laughing at me or knows I am weak so He pities me.
I really don't know how someone who has lived a whole life of lies can ever change. But you have to believe its possible, even when it doesn't make sense. I think your H and my W will see the light - maybe too late for us to save our marriages - but you have to believe that the people we married are still living inside the aliens our spouses have become. God won't give us more than we can handle (not a quoter so don't have a reference for that) but He does want us to know He loves us.
My W comes by for several hours a day (except yesterday) and I help out at her house sometimes too. She barely speaks to S16 and D14 for days at a time - even when I travel on business I called everyday and spoke to each of them, if just for a minute.
I hope His plans are revealed soon though - I am having terrible self-loathing issues and nightmares. It is scary and painful and I wish a few prayers would make our situations get resolved.
I don't know how I will ever trust W again either and she doesn't have your H's track record. I hope God will give both you and I the strength to forgive (not forget) and we can become whole again. I will pray for you again and hope that your H will realize that the life he is leading is not what God intended. Same with my W - I pray for her everynight and ask God to bring her peace and happiness. Maybe He knows best and our spouses were not meant to stay with us. I don't know. My heart hurts so bad I think I have a car parked on my chest. I have lost almost 50 lbs in 2 months (not trying just can't eat anymore and I could afford to lose another 20 lbs) and I love my W more today than I did when I married her 20 1/2 years ago. I HATE THAT I DO MOST OF THE TIME!!!
Keep praying and let things continue to fall apart if they must. I am going to do the same. Remember that even if our spouses don't love us, God does and our families and friends do too. I can't replace my best friend in the world like I thought I could but maybe we were meant to walk alone with our children for a while in the wilderness while things get set up for a new stage in our lives.
I bought the DB books yesterday (online) so maybe some of the DB things will help keep me from calling her and making a fool of myself when they arrive. Doubt it though ;-) I am very good at making a fool of myself. I think that's one of the gifts that God gave me.
Keep praying and love your child like there is nothing left in the world but them.
Remember - pray. Then cry. And then pray some more. Repeat as necessary.

[seekpeaceofmind]

I don't know if I should pack his stuff up, and put it in boxes or leave it in the closet.

You don't have to do anything right now except take care of you and your child. I would try to focus on actions that feel positive to you. Some changes might be very positive and help with your sense of control and independence. hope2wrkitout has given you some good suggestions. I think I was also reading suggestions from other posters on this site about changing your environment some - rearrange the furniture, paint, get new bed linens, etc.
One of the books that was recommended to me after my H left was "The Secret." It's about the law of attraction - "like attracts like." It's very consistent with a lot of the advice in DB. The one thing that struck me most was in the relationship chapter and the caution to make sure that your actions don't contradict your desires. The example given was of a woman who wanted a relationship but was living totally as a single person - room in the garage for only one car, all of the closet space totally in use, and sleeping in the middle of the bed - there was no room in her current life for another person. She made space and, low and behold, after she took action to behave as if her perfect partner were already in her life, along he came. This story has helped me to resist my impulses to pack up all of my H's stuff and put it in the garage. By leaving it where it is, I am hoping to signal both to him and to me that we'll work things out and he'll be able to step back with a minimum of fanfare - which I think would be hard for him. Also, when he left, he made a big point of leaving clothes and possessions behind so that it would be as if he still lives here. Over the months (3 so far), he has taken more things and most of his clothes are now gone, but not all and I like seeing his things when I look around. I know that eventually, probably in a few weeks, I will need to move him out but it won't be in haste or out of anger. . . . That's just what is right for me, though.

You don't want whoever this man is back. You want a changed man back. As hard as this is going to be start approaching life like you are single and as though you have accepted divorce from this man. You do want to be divorced from THIS man, and if you show him you don't want the man that he is now maybe he will do some changing.

This is a good point and one that I have also been trying to use in managing my own reactions. This weekend I found myself thinking that I need to accept that whether we divorce or not, my first marriage as I knew it is over - and there are some positives in that because it obviously had problems. I hope we get back together, but I definitely think of it in terms of starting over in a "second" marriage in which we are both better partners in a new & improved R.

[ms ladybug]

boobear, the saying that God will never give us more than we can handle comes from this...
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" (1 Corinthians 10:13).

The Message Bible gives a loose translation of that verse, but I like it....
1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

Boobear, after you pray for strength to not call your wife, come here and we'll hold you down until it passes!


seekpeaceofmind, great post! Thanks for the reminder! My first marriage IS over whether or not we reconcile. That's one reason I took off my wedding ring yesterday. I don't know my h anymore, and I hope that he'll change, and we can start our "second" marriage both better people.

Oops, forgot to address OP...
Stacey,
You WILL get through this. Your daughter needs to see you face this head-on with dignity. She needs to know that her daddy needs to turn back to God in order to come home, and that you have self-worth enough to know that NONE of this is your fault. (And, very important, at age 11, she needs to be told that NONE of this is HER fault as well). She needs to see you in control and holding yourself together, so she can be allowed to be the weak one here. All this I gathered from my own parents divorce when I was 13.

[rbyzell]

hi. hey, that's great advice. i have a walk away wife. i've been doing the same thing u are. God Bless and hang in there. i sure will try myself.

[stacy22]

Thanks everyone I appreciate all your help and prays, because boy do I need them. I ruffled some feathers this week by calling my husbands girlfriends husband, and told him about the transactions my husband was having with his wife. My husband continued to lie to me telling me that he was not talking to this woman anymore, and well I found out differently from my phone records on my verizon wireless bill. I felt in my heart that she was probably to the one thing I hate about my husband is sneeking around and playing a secret life. I talked to her husband, and he was thankful I called.

Well this put the motion into play and my husband was angry, very angry, and he has started filing for a divorce. He canceled my name on everything we own, and cancelled my credit cards all in approx, 1 hr.

He told me that he has everything figured out and we can either agree or i can spend thousands of dollars in court, either way he does and will never ever be with me again.

Today, he stated that he was upset about what I did last Wednesday, because he really liked this girl, but he stated she and her husband decided they were going to work things out. He also took his number off my account so that i can not look at who is calling anymore. So whether she is being truthful to her husband or not I don't know.

Well so here I am praying that God will do a miracle, and if not, like ladybug I hope that someday we can start anew.

Keep praying for me, because this is so hard to deal with, and the last thing I want right know is a divorce, but I don't really have any options.

Letting Go, and Letting God.

Stacy