I had the affair and now my marriage appears Over

[fooled again]

Edie is right, you must make yourself an important part of your children's lives. They need you more than you can imagine. And in doing so you will show your W that family is very important to you.

When I discovered my H's A, I felt like he had rejected not only me but our family, that he had chosen to begin a new, different life b/c the one he had wasn't good enough. It was a terrible feeling b/c for me, my family is my world, the most important thing in my life, and I believed it was for him too.

My hope is that through our D we can both rediscover the importance of being a family, the comfort, the fun, the security, the acceptance. Children have a way of bringing people together. No matter what happens with your W, you will always be a father - hold onto that, make it special - and you will always have a connection with your W. Buy the ticket, stay in a nearby hotel if you have to, but spend as much time as you can with your kids.

About proof, that is something that I struggle with myself. What kind of proof would you give your W? Words aren't doing it for me, so I doubt they would for your W. That is the problem with so much lying - no matter what my H says, there is always that flicker of doubt, the thought that he is lying to me. A breach of faith is the most difficult thing to repair. It was a lesson my father tried to teach me as a young child, but until my H's A, I never truly realized how deception can destroy everything. I had asked my H for proof, but in my heart I know that any proof can be faked, forged, retracted, like a phone call to the OW saying he didn't mean it, or whatever. So maybe time and seeing the changes in you over a long period of time is the only real proof you can give her.

My h has said the same thing. It never felt good, but was something that happened and then once in the midst of it all couldn't get out of it.

This I don't understand. How do you get into something that causes so much pain and makes you feel you can't get out if it NEVER felt good? I can appreciate the "addictive" aspect of an A, so the A must have felt good in some respect in order for it to continue. It makes me feel sick thinking that my H got pleasure from his A, but it must be true otherwise he would have ended it sooner. I think it's naive to believe otherwise. The thing is to figure out what it was about the A that felt good and inject that into your M. Was it new and/or exciting sex (or more of it)? Was it that the OW made you feel special? Was it that you didn't like who you were wanted to be someone else and an A gave you the freedom to reinvent yourself? I think for my H it was the last two. Of course, your W is not in a position to give you anything right now, but if you figure it out then if and when your W is ready, you can talk about that.

Keep working on yourself and being the best dad you can be.