Absolutely 100% correct. Take care of yourself first. "I want us to stay family?. WTF...over? What color is the sky in her world. Probably drank from the same Kool Aid snifter as my W. I'll say it again, just as I alwyas do. I signed up for better or worse...not "if I'm not satisfied" or "if you don't work as hard as I do at the marriage" or one of a million reasons they have to use as a lens to do what they're doing. I was not happy either, but I would never do this to my family. If we had to live as brother and sister I was OK with that. We had no sex for three years. I wasn't happy or "satisfied", but didn't look elsewhere. Life IS NOT fair, my friend.
My FIL sent me pictures of my kids rom Thanksgiving, along with some of them as little kids. It ripped my heart out. How can it not do the same to them? It will be three years when I get home that she told me she wanted out. It's gotten easier, but the feelings when I saw those pictures was like someone poured salt into an open wound.
You know, FLTC, sometimes I think the worst thing that has been inflicted on all of us is this mistaken belief that life should be fair! Let's face it, that's the biggest load of crap that is ever been invented. We teach our kids that everything needs to be "fair" and guess what, it ain't and never will be! Maybe we should teach them how to live with the fact that this friggin world isn't fair, and then maybe those lessons will sink into our thick skulls. Umm, am I sounding a little negative here? I hope not, I really do think that we inflict a heck of a lot more pain on ourselves because we refuse to accept the fact that what has happened to our M's may not be fair, but so f@cking what, what is is and we have to live with it (or away from it, in my case).
OK, my W just called and she has invited me to go with her and the kids downtown on the weekend to look at Christmas lights, I told her I'd love to. Now so far this Christmas season she has invited me for a dinner out with the kids, Christmas eve dinner, a get together at a friends on New Years Day and now this. Interesting that she is issuing all these invitations, I'm inclined to decline the New Years get together as I don't want to be too available although I'd like to see our friends but... I also had to return a Christmas gift I had bought her and replaced it with a necklace. She thanked me warmly for the necklace tonight and told me how pretty it was, which was nice to hear. So all this probably means sweet piss all but it seems like a step in the right direction. Maybe all my distancing the past few months is paying off or maybe she'll just shaft me as she usually does when I get a little glimmer of hope I'll just take this for what it is, some nice times with my family, I do miss being a family and when we spend time together it feels damn nice. We'll see where this goes...if anywhere. I'm not holding my breath besides she's still a self centred...well, you know the rest!
Certainly some big time mixed messages, which makes it even harder. Jus when the door is open a bit andyou see a glimmer, you get your fingers slammed in the door, so be careful...no expectations. I don't know about you, but night time is the worst. 2AM wakeups with all the old "family time" plays through my mind like one big continuous loop feedback. Ugh...
Actually, the past three days have been difficult. I am out of my regular work routine so I have plenty of time to sit around and let all sorts of thoughts go through my head! I have the kids this week and they are quite content to sit and play their games all day but that don't work for me!!! I make sure we get out and even just hit the malls for a bit, do some grocery shopping or whatever. What made it harder was that D10 had two full days of training to do over the week so it made it impossible to go anywhere or do anything much. Physically I am a mess, my body is so tight it's incredible. Now, most Christmas's I get tied up in knots with all the running around etc but this Christmas it's worse. I'm trying to stretch and took some meds to release the muscles but it's tough when you feel physically exhausted and you still have to get yourself going. At times I start to feel like it's a never ending rollercoaster and I'm the only passenger in the car! Christmas is so busy too that noone calls to check on me, so it's just me and the kids and, sad enough, my W appears to be my best friend through all this! I mean she's the only one who has invited me to do anything. Today I feel a little more energetic and less anxious. The kids and I are going to catch a movie this afternoon. Just a few more days and I will be back on the job, a regular routine that has some adult contact again. I think when things are back to normal I will feel more normal. Wow, I'm not used to feeling so run down and, I admit, it scares the heck out of me. I just have to keep in mind that this too shall pass and that I will be the old Whatis again, I need to be patient and just accept where I am right now, what is is!
Just some thoughts on the year that was! When I look back at what this year has brought I'm pretty amazed at my stamina. In November 2006 my Dad got sick and it wasn't until late January that he was diagnosed with Cancer. After the operation he was hospitalized three more times for abcesses that kept recurring. I will never forget rushing to the hospital to visit my Dad in emerg when my W called my cell saying "you should stay at your mom's tonight as I will be sleeping out" Can you imagine! It took all my strength NOT to call back as say "when I get home, you better be gone!" Yup, it was an incredibly difficult time. In June I told W that the party was over unless she dumped OP and committed to our R, so the party ended! I watched my W go away with OP for 10 days in July and went through the turmoil of that pain. I then went through 4.5 months of "separating" and dealing with the lawyers etc. And to top it off, just when I separated my Coffee Buddy, who had been a support to me through this, bailed on me too. And now, Christmas is upon us, another stressful time. Wow, what a f@cking horrible year it has been! Now, on the plus side I still have two amazing kids, a family that supports me, a W who at least wants a positive R, a wonderful apartment, a nice big bank account balance, friends that are there for me, activities to keep me busy, and a father who is on his last rounds of Chemo (and doing great!). It's been one hell of a rollercoaster ride, 2008 should be a breeze
My Dad died last year as well. W. was miserable and totally unhelpful. Then in January, I got mobilized to deploy to Iraq. I told you the story about leaving. She was misearable. It seems when it rains, it pours. Check this article out. It's from Mens' Health, and this happens to guys who are seemingly doing everything right. It speaks to guys like you and me. It happens to women too, but after 40, mostly it's women who initiate this. Hang in there.
Interesting article, FLTC. I've heard my share of horror stories and not just from the male side! The article fits well with Michelle's theories as well, guys think that when the R talk stops it means the W is finally content. I know I thought that when she stopped bitching at me it meant she'd finally decided to accept that life (and me) is not perfect. WRONG! She'd found someone else, a female, who made it her life's purpose to listen to and please my W, she even said "this R is all about you!" I figure one day that b!tch will get what's coming to her but it won't be from me. Now, did I do everything right? Did Paul in the article do everything right? Have you done everything right FLTC? I'd dare to say NO. Obviously needs our W's had were not being fulfilled by us. Maybe I was too busy serving and protecting her from the stresses of everyday living, trying my best to be what I percieved as a loving caring H. She thought otherwise. I think it's dangerous for us to sit back and say we did everything "right" because no learning can take place if we take this tact, just repeating more of the same elsewhere! Hell, maybe the next woman would love it, who really knows. Did I do lots of things that were right? YES, plenty of them. But, when a R breaks down it's not just one individual who is at fault, the dynamic between the couple has broken down. Now, my W IS totally responsible for her actions in starting an A, I am not. She will have to live with the lies she told herself about "doing everything possible to save the M" cuz she didn't and I listed all the things she could have done but never did. In hindsight, I also should have been much more forceful in evaluating and opposing some of the career choices she made e.g. going back to school for a Graduate degree while holding onto a f/t stressful managerial position while she was also in the midst of a full blown depression. Instead, I just said "whatever makes you happy, baby" and then worked my ass off to help her through. I let her put my needs aside almost entirely and become a self centred, uncaring b!tch by excusing her behaviour as "she's under so much stress". I allowed her to put her needs continually in front of mine with barely a whimper of concern. I was the H the world loved, but she didn't. Did she lose respect for someone who would allow such behaviour? Who knows, but I do know the person she is with now makes me look like a rank amateur! So did I do everything right? Not a chance, I helped make the bed I am lying in, just as we all have.
Now, just to add to my last post, I'd like to blow my own horn! I did do alot of things right. When W told me I wasn't romantic I got my butt in gear and started romancing her. What I got in return was "you're only doing this because you know I like it, it's not really you". I persisted for two more years before saying "to Hell with it", it began to feel demeaning. When W complained that it was her job to come up with weekend family activities, I came up with a list and began initiating activities. When W complained I didn't listen well, I told her I would try harder but would also need her to help me by bringing it to my attention when I screwed up, and her response was "If I need to teach you to listen then obviously you can't do it" So yes, I did do alot to turn things around but it was just too late, she was not interested in turning anything around. She complained endlessly to justify what she'd already decided, that I was toast!
I'll just take this for what it is, some nice times with my family, I do miss being a family and when we spend time together it feels damn nice. We'll see where this goes...if anywhere. I'm not holding my breath besides she's still a self centred...well, you know the rest!