Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 2

[ediemarie]

I have been working with my councelor about being so concerned about what everyone else thinks.

I too had to address that with my C. Growing up, agreement equaled acceptance. That has led to many an argument between H and I - he would disagree, I would interpret that to mean he didn't accept me, I would get defensive and an argument would ensue. So troublesome. I have explained all of this to H, so now when we have a discussion if I'm feeling like he isn't accepting me, I just say, I feel like you're not accepting me, right now. And that usually brings me around to listen differently and H to phrase things differently. Agreement = Acceptance is still something I struggle with, but just recongizing it makes it easier.

i feel that this is all my fault, and i need to fix it.

This is something that is really common. Because there are two people in a marriage both are responsible for the problems within the marriage. However, there isn't ONE problem in any marriage that warrants an affair - NEVER. So while you may have contributed to issues in your M, his A is NOT your fault. It never has been, it never will be. His choice, his bad decision, his fault, his mess, his to clean up. His affair has NOTHING AT ALL to do with you. You are the victim. This was done to you, not because of you. The sooner you wrap your arms around that concept and own that concept, the better off the both of you will be. DO NOT make this about you and what you've done in your marriage. His affair and your marriage are two separate incidents all together. They are not one in the same. Don't muddy the waters by thinking you can do something to fix him or end his affair. You can't.

I have a bunch of gift cards my parents have given me, and i will use them to buy myself something nice, stuff for me.

And lots and lots of stuff that makes you feel good. And a trip to the spa for a facial or massage. Get a mani/pedi, a new hair style, clothes you love, new dishes for the kitchen, a new bed set for your room - anything that YOU want. And don't ask H, don't tell H, just go about your business like you are roommates.

Bear - I think that you need to give your H what he is asking for. Space and freedom. He has made it clear to you that he is not interested in being married to you. I am not suggesting that you move out or begin D proceedings (even though in NJ when an A occurs you can get a D immediately - the courts consider it abandonment)I'm just saying give him space. It's not OK for him to come into your room at 3 AM and demand attention. He should have respected the fact that you were in bed. He is giving you leftovers because you allow him to. He should be giving you everything you want on a silver platter - stop accepting the scraps he's throwing your way. How does his coming in at 3 AM make you feel? Is this really how you want to be treated by your H? Is this what you imagined/wanted your marriage to be like? Don't hug him back, don't rub his back, be clear about what you want and deserve - a faithful spouse. Demand it. Settle for nothing less. You aren't asking for too much - it's what he agreed to at the altar.