Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 2

[sgctxok]

silly old bear

Well, I don't think it was necessary to insult our dear Bear...:) lol!

It's not an insult, it's a term of endearment...from Winnie the Pooh....from her name, phbear.

[ediemarie]

I know...I was just kidding.

[phbear316]

No its ok silly old bear is what i am, so its ok if i am called that. I have been working with my councelor about being so concerned about what everyone else thinks. Its a hangup from childhood. Always had to be perfect. Long story. I hate when people are mad at me or upset with me. I go out of my way to make it better. That is a issue with h, i feel that this is all my fault, and i need to fix it. I have to start to change my feeling and thoughts about that, it is not all my fault. I will take 100% responseability for 50% of this. I just back slide, thinking i can fix it all. my half and his half. And i cannot.

H came home at 3am. Well he made it to the gathering. He did wake me up with the garage door, i did not move out of bed. H comes into bedroom lays out on the bed and says are you awake. Yes i said, but did not roll over to face him right away. H starts talking about how this flight was, and nonsense about the gathering. I roll over to face h, put my hand on his back rub his back and say i am glad you are home safe. Trying to give him the hint, i want to go to sleep, shut it please. H keeps talking for like 10 more minutes, then my bladder decides to wake up and now i have to get up myself. (gosh darn it) So h gets off of bed, i then use bathroom i step into kitchen because the cat is now up screaming and meowing for h to pet her. I stand there h comes over and gives me a big long hug. I just kinda stood there hugging him back not as hard as him, like ok, i am dreaming what the heck is this. H then stops hugging me and heads towards the couch, presents are still under the tree i say not one word. H says he is supposed to be in for 8am but could i wake him up before i leave. Sure. I say good night and go to bed. Woke him up, at 830 and said i talk to you later, h says absolutely you will. Ok.

I know what everyone is saying about the gifts. I have this plan for now, I took back the card, i took back the gift cards, I put the one hot sauce in the fridge, like it has been there for months, the other i will give to my dad. I want to take the tree down this weekend, needles are dropping and its making me crazy with constance clean up. If he does not open his gifts, I will open them and put the long johns in the laundry, put the chocolate away, put the shadow box on the entertainment center. I will say nothing. I will carry on like any other day. I have a bunch of gift cards my parents have given me, and i will use them to buy myself something nice, stuff for me.

bear

[phbear316]

That's right SG

From winnie the pooh, my favorite books!

Although some days i feel like eeyore. LOL

Love eeyore too!

phbear

[ediemarie]

I have been working with my councelor about being so concerned about what everyone else thinks.

I too had to address that with my C. Growing up, agreement equaled acceptance. That has led to many an argument between H and I - he would disagree, I would interpret that to mean he didn't accept me, I would get defensive and an argument would ensue. So troublesome. I have explained all of this to H, so now when we have a discussion if I'm feeling like he isn't accepting me, I just say, I feel like you're not accepting me, right now. And that usually brings me around to listen differently and H to phrase things differently. Agreement = Acceptance is still something I struggle with, but just recongizing it makes it easier.

i feel that this is all my fault, and i need to fix it.

This is something that is really common. Because there are two people in a marriage both are responsible for the problems within the marriage. However, there isn't ONE problem in any marriage that warrants an affair - NEVER. So while you may have contributed to issues in your M, his A is NOT your fault. It never has been, it never will be. His choice, his bad decision, his fault, his mess, his to clean up. His affair has NOTHING AT ALL to do with you. You are the victim. This was done to you, not because of you. The sooner you wrap your arms around that concept and own that concept, the better off the both of you will be. DO NOT make this about you and what you've done in your marriage. His affair and your marriage are two separate incidents all together. They are not one in the same. Don't muddy the waters by thinking you can do something to fix him or end his affair. You can't.

I have a bunch of gift cards my parents have given me, and i will use them to buy myself something nice, stuff for me.

And lots and lots of stuff that makes you feel good. And a trip to the spa for a facial or massage. Get a mani/pedi, a new hair style, clothes you love, new dishes for the kitchen, a new bed set for your room - anything that YOU want. And don't ask H, don't tell H, just go about your business like you are roommates.

Bear - I think that you need to give your H what he is asking for. Space and freedom. He has made it clear to you that he is not interested in being married to you. I am not suggesting that you move out or begin D proceedings (even though in NJ when an A occurs you can get a D immediately - the courts consider it abandonment)I'm just saying give him space. It's not OK for him to come into your room at 3 AM and demand attention. He should have respected the fact that you were in bed. He is giving you leftovers because you allow him to. He should be giving you everything you want on a silver platter - stop accepting the scraps he's throwing your way. How does his coming in at 3 AM make you feel? Is this really how you want to be treated by your H? Is this what you imagined/wanted your marriage to be like? Don't hug him back, don't rub his back, be clear about what you want and deserve - a faithful spouse. Demand it. Settle for nothing less. You aren't asking for too much - it's what he agreed to at the altar.

[phbear316]

EM

I have done something/somethings to push my h away. H blames me for a lot of things, like being unable to have his children, having no friends, not going to school and getting a better job for more money. I feel and i am working on changing my feeling about this, if things were different and h and i could communicate about the issues that bothered him so much, we would not be where we are now. I see know there are things that i should have spoken up about, but was afraid, terrified to talk to him about. We to this day don't argue, never did. So this is why i struggle with all this.

I did miss a point about h coming in to my room at 3am. For as long as we have been married if h would go out, he would anytime come in want to talk about what he did. H would always wake me up to tell me he was home. This has been ok in the past, i have had no problem with it, but here is a difference in last night, in the past i would have woken up completely, sat up in bed and talked to him for like an hour. This did not happen last night, I showed no interest in the conversation he was having. I only got up because nature was screaming at me. About the back rubbing, it was not what you think i just brushed my hand up and down his back once. How do i feel, honestly right now, glad he come in to talk to me, because and i say because it was like the way it used to be, in the past.

So was i to throw him out of the room last night, i think h picked up really quick that i was not going to talk to him. I did not stay in the kitchen after the hug, i picked up the cat and hugged her, more and tighter than i did h.

Yes i know i can demand more, but baby steps for me right now, baby steps

hug
bear