Everyone here is right - you need to BE the person you want your W to believe you are. Words mean nothing, telling her your feelings are not going to convince her and you can easily sound like you are trying to make her pity you and give you a chance b/c she feels guilty or responsible for making you happy. Actions, actions, actions are the only things that matter and the only way you can reach her. And it will take a very, very long time for those actions, if you are consistent and unwaivering, to make a difference. If you truly want to get your W back, you have to work on yourself, be the person she would risk taking a chance on, because it feels like a huge risk to allow yourself to believe in someone who has failed you over and over again. I know this with every fibre of my being.
SPM asked
Quote:
Why the change of heart in you? Why? why did you not put a stop to it 3 months earlier? a year earlier? 2 years and 364 days earlier? Why now? Why this time, when your W already knew about the affair, why did this information make you want to quit?
I know I asked you this question myself before but I didn't really get an answer, so I'm hoping you can enlighten me too, b/c I think that my H is still seeing OW. It's been nearly 3 mos since the last time he told me it was over (which was the third time he said this same thing to me), which happened after I used the LRT. But recently his actions are not matching up with his words and I'm getting that gut feeling that things are not right.
In fact, I would appreciate any response from anyone on this thread about what to do when you think the A is still ongoing, but your S says they want to save the M and MOST of their actions show this too. How do I get him to end the A without coming out an accusing him, since I have no proof, just little clues that point in that direction. I don't want to make him feel that I will never trust him or believe anything he says - I know that I could get there if he could only show me CONSISTENTLY that he is trying to regain my trust. I know I shouldn't bombard him with my feelings or tell him what to do. I have asked him for proof that it's over but have not been given anything yet. I fear using the AFTER the LRT because I don't know if I can follow through. I don't really understand what I need to do in this case.
Peter, what made you FINALLY give up the OW and sincerely want to save your M?
FA
Thank you for this response. I know I need to be the person that I want my W to believe I am. I know her my words mean nothing and truly am being the person I want her to believe that I am. In fact, since I got your post yesterday I have been trying to not act guilty or upset. I am dropping my W and kiddies off at the airport today for them to go see her parents. I am staying in our house for three extra days so I can go to my doctor. I am sure that this makes her uncomfortable, but I need to see my Dr. I have NO intention of doing anything other than being in this house and watching TV. I have worked too hard to screw anything up. I know with every ounce that I am that I want to be a husband and a father in this family.
I thought I answered the question previously, but I am will try to do so again. Why the change in heart?? It never was a change in heart. I wanted the affair over from the beginning and have been tormented by guilt. I took my W for granted, no doubt about it. After the Oct. blow up I had my ah-hah moment that enough was enough. I had lost my own family and my W and kids and I wasn't leading a life of integrity and honesty that I wanted to. I was living a lie. The A was dieing but I didn't step up and do anything about it. I was scared to take a risk. The A was wrong and it was wrong from the day it started. I made the decision to have one. My Xmas wish last year was that at the end of this year the A would be over, I would have a new job and we would have moved. Well, all of that happened. It was ugly at the end. A year ago I would have told you that was exactly what she would have wanted too. I believe that to still be the case. But, as DR and DB say, the lying hurt her. No MORE.
On Xmas eve service I asked to pray with a minister to help me find forgiveness for myself. I am taking ownership of my life and I love it.
I am scared about how I will be when I drop W and kids off today at the airport. Just being honest. I leave on Monday to go back to the east coast. there is a fare sale right now and I would like to ask if I can get a couple of tickets to come home to see her and the kids.
Anyway, I hope everyone has a great day. I am going to back to my kids as I only have another four or five hours with them:-(
