Time for honesty & truth for a new beginning pt 2

[phbear316]

No its ok silly old bear is what i am, so its ok if i am called that. I have been working with my councelor about being so concerned about what everyone else thinks. Its a hangup from childhood. Always had to be perfect. Long story. I hate when people are mad at me or upset with me. I go out of my way to make it better. That is a issue with h, i feel that this is all my fault, and i need to fix it. I have to start to change my feeling and thoughts about that, it is not all my fault. I will take 100% responseability for 50% of this. I just back slide, thinking i can fix it all. my half and his half. And i cannot.

H came home at 3am. Well he made it to the gathering. He did wake me up with the garage door, i did not move out of bed. H comes into bedroom lays out on the bed and says are you awake. Yes i said, but did not roll over to face him right away. H starts talking about how this flight was, and nonsense about the gathering. I roll over to face h, put my hand on his back rub his back and say i am glad you are home safe. Trying to give him the hint, i want to go to sleep, shut it please. H keeps talking for like 10 more minutes, then my bladder decides to wake up and now i have to get up myself. (gosh darn it) So h gets off of bed, i then use bathroom i step into kitchen because the cat is now up screaming and meowing for h to pet her. I stand there h comes over and gives me a big long hug. I just kinda stood there hugging him back not as hard as him, like ok, i am dreaming what the heck is this. H then stops hugging me and heads towards the couch, presents are still under the tree i say not one word. H says he is supposed to be in for 8am but could i wake him up before i leave. Sure. I say good night and go to bed. Woke him up, at 830 and said i talk to you later, h says absolutely you will. Ok.

I know what everyone is saying about the gifts. I have this plan for now, I took back the card, i took back the gift cards, I put the one hot sauce in the fridge, like it has been there for months, the other i will give to my dad. I want to take the tree down this weekend, needles are dropping and its making me crazy with constance clean up. If he does not open his gifts, I will open them and put the long johns in the laundry, put the chocolate away, put the shadow box on the entertainment center. I will say nothing. I will carry on like any other day. I have a bunch of gift cards my parents have given me, and i will use them to buy myself something nice, stuff for me.

bear