How are you? I'm sorry after all your work and commitment that you've arrived at a place where you're just not happy. I think Ellie might be right about the depression. Have you seen a Dr. about it?
I just want to share with you that you're feelings are probably not that unusual after weathering a marital storm. I've had them over the last year and have times of being very unhappy and doubtful. After the first bomb 8 years ago, J ended up where you are and this is what led to our most recent troubles. I was happy and hopeful and he was spiralling in hopelessness unable to deal with his feelings of hurt, anger and resentment. I didn't have a clue. You talk about not dealing with our feelings as a past issue. This isn't a past issue.. it's a present problem. The time to do this has not passed for you. That time is now.
I also wanted to pass on some advice from my C. We came through the bomb and I became depressed and didn't think I'd ever be happy again. J is being treated for depression also. We'd always heard that we have to love ourselves and be happy with ourselves first. I knew that but couldn't see exactly how this works in my life. I can say I love myself, but what does it really mean? What he told us chanced my life. First, apart or together, we're going to have to deal with our feelings of regret, bitterness and hurt. Getting out of the R after the major storm has passed will not lessen the past hurts. We've both been hurt, abused and unloved and that leaves scars.
To deal with this he said we have to love ourselves. Actively love ourselves and create an environment that is nurturing and peaceful. This starts with taking care of our physical health. We need to get plenty of rest, exercise, eat right, take vitamins and see our Dr. for a complete physical. We need to see a C regularly. Not every week, but enough to check in and know that we have a source of support for our mental health. We need to nurture ourself spiritually and take time to do whatever it is we do to connect to our spiritual side. The C described the atmosphere we should strive for in our home as peaceful, nurturing and open. He suggested that we have weekly family meetings so that we all stay connected and can share our feelings freely. He said this will help all of us (the kids to) to be heard and to work through problems so they don't fester.
The C asked us to answer these questions throughout our days: Is this healthy for me? Is this nurturing me? Am I doing this because I want to? Am I doing this because I want to earn someone elses approval? Is this loving and encouraging? Is this building me up or tearing me down? Am I giving more than I should? Am I allowing others to solve their own problems? He said when we're feeling low we should question what we're doing and the effects of it, especially to determine if it's loving and in our best interest.
I don't know if this will help you. Since we've put this in action I feel completely loved. It's not something that can be taken away from me because I know that I'm loving and forgiving of myself first. I try not to let my expectations of myself be bigger than what I can give. I know it's difficult to be where you are. I also know that it doesn't have to be permanent. We ignore our needs in a time of crisis, but there does come a time when we need to heal. That, like DB takes time. I started last April really loving myself and I'm more content now than I've ever been in my life. I can see now how it doesn't come from others, but from within. If I start feeling bad I know that I'm not taking care of my needs and it's time to do that.
Hugggggs.. I so hope you get to a better place soon.
