My husband and I have been separated for three weeks. I asked him to leave for several reasons all of which were legit. He doesn't work, was injured on the job before we met and has been trying to get disability, but hasn't been able to. He smokes pot and I caught him looking at porn (he claims that he only clicked on something that was sent to him on Yahoo email). I have a 16 year old daughter who lives with us (I also have two other children who don't). So I told him to leave. The whole thing was very calm, no yelling nothing.
In the meantime, I have looked at my life and seen that while what he is doing isn't ok, I wasn't putting anything into the marriage. I ate dinner with him at night (dinner that he cooked) and we slept in the same bed. That was it. I either spent time with my daughter, on the computer, reading, doing school work (I'm in grad school) etc. Our relationship was not always like this. We use to have fun together, went places, did things, talked etc. I did the same thing in my first marriage.
I do not doubt that my husband loves, me. I never have doubted it. And I love him. We started talking to each other again a week ago and we have said more to each other in a week than we have in the last six months. So what do you guys think? Am I crazy to try to save this?
So does he want out of this marriage too? Or did you just kick him out to teach him a lesson? It seems like the things you kicked him out for are things you could have worked on before you asked him to leave. Have you read Divorce Busting or the Divorce Remedy yet? I think that there are a lot of good things in there to help you get your marriage on the right track. If you still love each other it should be a matter of just putting the effort in. Good luck and keep us posted. Everyone likes to hear a happy ending around here.
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
No he doesn't want out of the marriage at all and has done everything right since I asked him to leave. The reason why I asked him to leave was because I wanted to find out exactly what he was doing on the Internet. I created an email and sent him and email asking him if he was lonely and wanted his smile back. Didn't take him long before he asked this woman to meet him for sex. "She" didn't initiate anything at all. When I confronted him, he was full of lies, pretending he didn't do it, saying it was someone from his past etc, etc. I was tested for STDs and everything came back negative. He swears he has never cheated on me. I asked him how he would feel if I cheated on him and he said like he was doing something wrong. That's what got me started thinking about my part in it (not that cheating is ok). My daughter tells me that if he comes back, she's going to leave. So I am in a predicament.
I have started reading and that's why I decided to post here.
I know when you read posts around here people will tell you that an A is not the reason for the break up but the reaction to something going on in the M. You need to figure out what would have put him in the place to start this internet stuff. Do a time line for the last little bit and see where it takes you. As for your daughter you need to find out why she would leave. And maybe a little less information on your M to her. This is between you and H. I know it is hard. i have a S14 that can pick up on everything right now and I just keep telling him this is not about him. We are very close and if I am crying he knows why. I just keep telling him that he can't take it out on my H. (H is his step-dad)
Keep posting. the more you do the more things you will see. Even if it looks like babbling it all helps.
This is just my opinion. Keep smiling and do things for yourself.
{{{{{wordweaver}}}}
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
Thanks. My daughter came home yesterday after being gone for a week. I told her that my husband and I started talking and were talking about going to counseling. She immediately told me that if he comes back she is going to go live with her grandparents out of state. She didn't even want to listen to any more of the conversation. My husband is not back living here.
When I told him what she said, he said give it time, we'll work it out. He's remaining so calm. Meanwhile my daughter and I are fighting. She says she won't change her mind so matter what I say and she won't go back to living how she was. She and my husband do not get along, simply because neither one of them tries, they won't talk to each other. Before I asked him to leave, she spent all of her time shut in her room. She isn't even willing to see if he will change.
So now, what do I do? How do I choose between my husband and my daughter? If I choose to work on my marriage, my daughter leaves. If I do what my daughter wants, I lose my husband.
Meanwhile, I have thought alot about my relationship with my husband. Basically I was doing things with my daughter and not him. I hung out in her room with her, went shopping with her etc. He and I did nothing together. I don't know if I mentioned it, but she is not his daughter.
Maybe make it clear to her that right now he is not coming back. And maybe one of your goals should be that you have to work out the stuff between them before he does come back. Let her know that this is not going to happen over night. Time is one your side. You do need to know where you are at with H before she really needs to worry about all of this anyways. And keep doing stuff with her. The more she sees you happy the sooner her guard will come down. I know that my S14 wil take on my pain. And I am discovering that our S8 is taking on a whole lot of hurt too. I spent an hour the other night trying to get him to stop crying. He said he should have asked Santa for his family to be back together instaed of toys. It broke my heart.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that all kids react different to our hurt. So I think that if you show her happiness she will start to feel that too.
That's just my opinion. Take Care!!
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
My older daughter and I were talking on the phone last night (she's a senior in high school in another state and very mature for her age, always has been) and we think the younger daughter has issues with either men in general or me (her mother) with a man. She was six when her father and I separated (I won't go into details, but there was a real reason for divorce then and all my kids have thanked me for it). There was only one man of the men that I dated from the time her father and I divorced until now that she liked. That was because he was too young for me, too immature and played video games with her. Any other man she has disliked before she even got to know them. She has always been happy when any relationship ended.
Everyone just keeps jumping to conclusions when I say I am talking to my husband. I'm loosing lots of support.
Well you have support here. It's good that you are talking to H. And I know how hard everyone can be on you and jump to conclusions. Everyone that cares about you wants the quick fix. Wants to see you happy and usually that means get rid of the H. Well you do what is right for you. Only you know how you truly feel. And I think maybe your girls might need someone to talk to about what's going on inside their heads with this. Just a thought.
Happy New Year!!I hope your 2008 gets better for you!
Me:32 H: 34 T: 12 YEARS M: ALMOST 5 S: 8 D: 4 S: 14 (OTHER R) SEPERATED: 03/09/07 (but wanted to work on it) NEW SEPERATION: 27/11/07 (doesn't know what he wants) MOVED HOME 12/01/08 I'm acting as if this blue sky is never going to rain down on me....Sara Evans
So now, what do I do? How do I choose between my husband and my daughter? If I choose to work on my marriage, my daughter leaves. If I do what my daughter wants, I lose my husband.
well, here's something to think about.... your children are SUPPOSED to leave
obviously, you should try to make things as positive between your daughter and yourself as possible. At the same time, though... out of the choice between your husband, and your daughter... which of them is supposed to stick by your side for the rest of your life, and which one is not?
Last edited by Dom R; 01/02/0809:50 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom R, exactly what I have been thinking. But friends and relatives say I need to stick by my daughter. They say either get rid of the husband or put the marriage on hold for two years until she is 18. The thing is both my other kids left at 14 to go live with their father so they could go to another school. So it is difficult to think of letting her go, but I did it with the other two, I let them make their choice.
