It's not that I feel violated, I actually enjoy sex with my H very much, always have, which is probably why I never suspected a thing. But I do see what you mean that if I was dating him I would not tolerate a relationship with someone who was having sex with someone else. My intention never was to tolerate this kind of relationship - it was always unwitting on my part. My H said to me that he always felt that he was cheating on me when he had sex with OW, but never felt he was cheating on her with me. I honestly don't know if that's the truth, but knowing him, it probably is. OW was pretty upset when I told her this.
I don't know if he is still seeing OW. He maintains that he is not, but I have become so programmed to expect another bomb after this happening so many times that I am second guessing everything now. No, I don't trust him completely, maybe I only trust him a little bit - I see trust as a continuum, not as black and white. But I just wish he had been honest with me about OW like your H. At least you knew what was going on when he was confused and trying to figure out what he wanted and you were given the choice about what you were going to do with your sitch. I was always left to wonder, left to suspect, left to snoop and play detective and every single thing I found out was because of my own detective work. He never admitted anything until his back was up against a wall and he knew that I knew the answers to the questions I was asking.
Now I am second guessing myself once again. Are my instincts correct or are they out of control, like some cancer eating away at any fledgling trust that may begin to grow in my heart. Tonight I talked to him a little bit about this, calmly, about how I can't even, at this point, control the first thing that pops into my head when he does anything vaguely suspicious. I hope he understood, but then again, I have so many times tried to explain this to him, but it never sunk in, mainly b/c he was still involved with OW. I suppose time will tell if he will ever "get it" and be able to do what he has to do. I suppose eventually I will walk away if he does not.
But the more I think about sex with him, I don't mean to use it as a weapon, more of an indicator. Sex between us has always been about him wanting to please me, his own being secondary. I always thought that unusual, and asked him about it, but I did read something about that and I suppose it's not so uncommon. A couple of months ago when I was not having sex with him, it made him feel very insecure b/c he worried that I was looking to get it somewhere else. As I said, I honestly don't understand men, so this notion was quite confusing to me. I suppose I will just have to play it by ear when it comes to sex with my H for the next while.
It's interesting that our timelines are so similar. My H's A began Jan/06 and ended (finally, I hope) Oct/07. However we are S and I know that this is a huge impediment since he enjoys a freedom that I believe he is loathe to lose by moving back home. But I take it as a good sign that he wants to spend time here, and he calls this house "home" but he calls where he lives his apartment, never his "home". I know my sitch does not belong in the "piecing" forum, but I'm hoping to get there someday.
Thank you for your thoughts.
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
