Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

What is the "uncomfortable air of everything going on" that you're referring to? Are the IM sessions with your W lifting your spirits? Does communication with her seem to be better? Any idea where her R with OM currently stands?

The uncomfortable air I refer to is the post bombshell of the things we have been through so far. I cannot help but still feel so screwed up about the whole sitch because I did not see it coming. My whiny word, which will likely annoy most people is unfair!!! I was blindsided to say the least and yet for her, this is part of some plan that is so warped and convoluted I cannot even begin to tell you how jacked up I am.

I cautiously approach every IM session with the expectation to get cussed out for something she has thought about since our last conversation. Although we have not fought in a while, I know she is seething just below the surface. Our contact is limited to IM these days because in my opinion it gives us the chance to think about what we are going to say as we type it. We also do not have to deal with the lag in a phone line that can totally jack everything up. I guess communication is communication no matter what form.

Combine all that with the fact that she dreaded the holidays due to the issues inside of her own family and her dad not being around and you get one big messy can of worms. I am trying to be sensitive, which I am sure has made me seem like a pushover again, but I cannot help but feel as though being stiff and rigid right now will win me any favor. I know I am wrong in that assumption but by trying to be the way I am I rationalize that to mean an extended timeline on getting the damn separation paperwork and more time on the IM to engage her with the issues we are facing.

You would be proud of me, the other day while IM she told me that she was hurting for money because she got a ballooned student loan payment and my transferring money out of the account spoiled her plan for Christmas gifts. A plan that I had no concept of whatsoever and a plan I really did not give a crap about at the time as I thought I was going to have to put a lawyer on retainer and hire a PI. Since then I have transferred all of the money minus what I spent on family Christmas gifts (to include hers) back to the account, to include a $1000 deposit on Christmas eve. She initially told me that things were the way they were and why bother transferring money now as it would not do her any good for Christmas...I simply said that I was not asking for her permission to return the money...she snidely replied "and I guess I don't need to give it" my backbone felt strong then. However, part of me thinks she is going to use this money to pay the lawyer for the sep agreement which I am not anxious to see.

Some of our IM sessions, just aren't. As to my dark status there was no missing me. She said that when I used to call every day she would just get mad at me and when I don't call then she just forgets about me...WTF!!! Early last week we had a blow out on IM in which she told me that I was emotionally removed again from her life and everything that is going on, my response...who removed me? I mentioned the fact that her dad had always said the Divorce was not an option, a mantra that we often repeated to others including her brother and one I hold firm in my heart. Her response...look what happened to my dad. My response, "so all of the good advice and words to remember him by died with him?" She did not say anything on that one.

The only problem with IM is that it gives us both a written record of the things we have said. Not a bad thing for rememberance but not a good thing when stupid lawyers get involved. She has already mentioned that she forwarded some of my emails to the attorney doing the sep and that they said she should just let me keep making the mistakes. The attorney's daughter said that my hastiness in transferring the funds out of our account and cutting off the power of attorney would only make a judge question my motives....BS!!! That is where I am glad that two sides of the story will come in to play if need be.

As to the OM, some of our IM session are noticeably void of contact for minutes at a time which I attribute to her typing him or other friends. We have talked about him, I caved on telling her to stop the A, and again she reiterates that their is nothing going on. Although, she says he is a very intelligent, kind and soft hearted person who would much rather help someone than hurt them. Ok, whatever. I have not locked horns with her because simply, she will just go out of sight, out of mind again and I will be back to square one.

Today is the anniversary of her dad's death and I think she may be having lunch with him prior to going to the mountains...but he is not going with her that is for sure. Whatever, I have had two major realizations in the last few weeks that give me strength 1)Life without her is doable, although really crappy to think about. 2) My kids deserve the best father I can be and the love that I am wasting on my W deaf ears needs to be redirected at the them. I wish there was an emotional bank we could deposit into for them because if this thing goes down the road to the big D then they will need every ounce of comfort and support they can get. It chokes me up every day when I think about having to tell them...which is projecting, I know.

LWB...thanks for the hugs..I need them right now. I never thought I would say this but THANK GOD Christmas is over. I have a tentative flight date for March but W reaction (as always), I'll believe it when I see it. The sad thing is that 99% of the time she is right as the effing Army cannot stick to plans which mean so much.

In the meantime..the job/house hunt continue. Hope you all are doing well...time to start making out those New Year's resolutions!