First of all, I'm so sorry for your hurt. I hear you saying the things you are doing and saying and yes, you seem like you're a little too nice, getting scared of another fight, etc., but I commend you for really trying. Esp. the purchase of books, videos, doing things that are romantic, your most recent explanation to her, all sounds like you're a....well...NICE GUY! I might get flamed for saying this, but I can actually imagine how she is feeling. I don't know that I really can help you, but I have been her. Now, this was NOT 6 weeks into a marriage, but more like 10 years, and we also had our moments in our first 2 years (like you guys) where I was just feeling tied down and dumped my then boyfriend/now husband. I'm sorry she rejected you on your birthday. That sounds pretty bad. She was hoping the meal and the gift would show you she cares but she's having a very hard time not feeling like the sex is...I don't know how to describe it, kind of dirty?? Somewhere she is not feeling the love or you are annoying her and her attitude has done a 180 from the "teddy and thigh highs" stage.
I don't post a whole lot anymore, but lurk more than I post, so if I can help, I'd love to, but I would keep talking to her. I would definitely get counseling, maybe a situation where you each have individual sessions as well as joint sessions. I doubt she'll be really honest if you're sitting right there.
Best of luck to you, you sound like a great husband and you definitely deserve to be happy, so try the 180, don't bring it up and make her feel good by being as genuinely sweet and thoughtful to her as you can, I'd say for 2-3 weeks, at least. TRY REALLY HARD not to get resentful and let it show through.
Well I appreciate the advice Zuzu. Its interesting that you say that, in our conversation last night she said something similar. She has to sleep with a CPAP machine for her apneia (sp?). She tried to put in in my nose and I was kinda grossed out by it. I said eww its been all up in your nose, I dont want it in my nose thats gross. Anyways, long story short, the topic segued into bodliy fluids and how I didnt want to go down on her or touch her after I, how do I say, left a deposit. And how it was a turn off that if I thought my own stuff was gross why would she want it in her. I assured her that I may have had an adversion to it in the beginning, and maybe it was a little wierd on my part but im past it now. I cant say that I would be ok with going down there afterwards, and i think thats true for just about evey guy, but id be ok with touching her afterwards. I am willing to bend a little and maybe do it sometimes, but honestly, the thought of licking up my own stuff is pretty gross to me. I cant explain it, it just is. But really all Im hearing is more reasons for her not to have sex. Just another hoop I have to jump through to prove I love her. None of my other g/f's, my ex-wife, my fwb's ever thought i was weird because I wouldnt go down on them after finishing. I am going to try and continue the conversation from last night when I get home this evening.
If I could suggest something, I would not go home intending to pick up that conversation where it left off. I would go home and try to talk about something else and just have an enjoyable evening, and if she brings it up, then talk about it.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
Maybe youre right PF.. Were supposed to go to on a romantic trip this weekend as a Christmas present. Maybe I need to just let it sit and see how the weekend unfolds. When we talked last night we talked about reading the SLM book together. I read it last week, hell I even offered to read it to her. She used to tell me how much she loved my voice and how it made her melt. SO maybe tonight we can read it togehther and it will open some conversation.
Whoa, I never recall having issues in the sex department until well into the marriage and the ONLY reason why I was not more sexually active was because I was TIRED. this was when we were with newborn #3. other than that I have never seen sex as a chore. many new moms are not in the mood often but for me and I think most others it is not about the desire it is about being sooo tired. I mean you literally think I can have sex or get some sleep while the baby is asleep. but in yoru case you ahve no children so I don't understand that. From a womans perspective I will say that maybe like the others have said if you act not interested maybe it will make her wonder why and maybe she will initiate just to see if you still desire her. From reading this it made me feel awful from the times when I reject my H. I have never rejected him for thinking I wouldn't enjoy myself because he is perfect in that area but I did make mistakes in the past of rejecting him just out of exaustion. we have 4 kids by the way so I don't understand this with no kids.
and about the BC I don't know if maybe it's a hormonal thing. I am on antidepressants and I am still okay with sex... I have been on BC in the past and it never affected me but I guess it can happen to some.
I only suggest that you talk to her and find out if maybe there is something that has nothing to do with you that is making her reject you... or if she is tired... good luck. I am sad to see you here in such a new marriage.
me:29, H 33 Bomb- 11/06/2006 I came home from work to find that he had moved out into an apartment. next day he says he wants to work on our marriage but will not return until he feels right. kids-4 m-10 years T- 13 years another Bomb-Sept '07 OW confirmed...
This doesn't make any sense to me. If you can't start the race, why are you arguing over what you do after the finish line? Just offer to do it, and see where it goes. You can cross that bridge when you come to it.
You are getting good advice here. There are a lot of weird things that happen to people that can change a R when the ring is on, or when the first child is born. Suddenly the R changes from a R between two friends to a replica of the parents M. Since each partner had different parents there is usually a mismatch of expectations. Sometimes it is a small mismatch and sometimes it is rather a big mismatch. My H suddenly decided (when our son was born) that I was to turn into a replica of his mum. Now my MIL is a lovely person but two more different people than she and I you couldn't hope to meet. I was sitting listening to her talking about this and that while she was here for the holidays and thinking to myself "what planet does this woman inhabit" and "I wonder what it must be like to have a mind that works that way".
So your W doesnt' want sex with you because all kinds of childhood crap that she's probably not even conscious of has raised it's ugly head the second the ring went on the finger. You have two choices.
1. Run
2. Tell her you will run in exactly 6 months' time unless SHE sorts this problem out.
I put SHE in caps because it is important that you don't buy into her "well if you did ____" crap. If she starts that up you just say "No, things were fine and then YOU changed. If you want to stay married it's up to YOU to figure out why you changed and deal with it". Then don't mention sex again.
BTW I think there is a chance there is a problem with alcholism in her family.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I might get flamed for saying this, but I can actually imagine how she is feeling. I don't know that I really can help you, but I have been her. Now, this was NOT 6 weeks into a marriage, but more like 10 years, and we also had our moments in our first 2 years (like you guys) where I was just feeling tied down and dumped my then boyfriend/now husband. I'm sorry she rejected you on your birthday. That sounds pretty bad. She was hoping the meal and the gift would show you she cares but she's having a very hard time not feeling like the sex is...I don't know how to describe it, kind of dirty?? Somewhere she is not feeling the love or you are annoying her and her attitude has done a 180 from the "teddy and thigh highs" stage. 